Downsizing

[Howtotalksoyourparentslisten]

My parents are mid 70’s and until now have lived several hundred miles away. They’re talking about moving closer to us, but are insistent that they need a house the same size as they currently have (massive 5 bed with 1/3 acre garden). In theory this is a great idea - we get to see them more, they see their grandchildren, and there are lots of social groups etc for people of their age where we live so they should relatively easily find friends (although Dad is very antisocial, but my Mum is a keen knitter and so will find a group etc.)
There are just 2 issues - firstly they want to buy a house VERY close to us. We live on a new build estate that is not yet finished. The final part of the estate are really big houses and they want one of these. They’d be less than 100m from us which I don’t really want - we’ve got a lovely group of friends here and are really settled and I don’t want them parachuting into that. I realise that sounds really horrible. There are no shortage of houses where we live that would be suitable for them - even if they do buy one that is as big as they currently have - and money is not an issue, we live in a much cheaper part of the country than they are moving from, so they could easily find somewhere a tiny bit further away but they want that particular new build. It’s not to be near us - they are not bothered about that at all - they just want a new big house and they like this one.

Secondly they are buying in my opinion something that is far far too big. Dad has cancer and there is a reasonable chance he will either be dead or very very frail in 5 years, so buying a massive house and garden just seems crazy, and I am all too aware that I will be the one picking up the pieces in years to come if they can’t manage. Making a smarter choice now would reduce the chance of it all getting too much.

I’ve tried talking to them about it but they just got really angry - they want what they want and won’t see our side. Any advice??

Dig their heels in how? The parents don't need the OPs permission do they.

Might be better if they just stayed where they are. My parents lived in their house for 50 years and died (literally in each case) in their home. I hope I can do so too.

Oh dear, this happened with our elderly neighbours - they moved in a few years ago from about 100 miles away to be close to their daughter in the next road (no idea if she was asked what she thought!).

They're most aggrieved the daughter has moved her family away now and is no longer available for lifts to the hospital etc, although she still seems to manage to pop in a few times a week.

Could you have an honest conversation about expectations? You can't stop them moving but are they aware you're not available everyday for shopping/lifts/socialising because of xyz? Would the house be adaptable ie downstairs toilet, enough space for an accessible wet room, somewhere to have a downstairs bedroom once they can't manage the stairs?

My parents are now early 80s both with severely declining health. They have stubbornly refused to sell (until now) despite DF being diagnosed with an illness at 75 which would eventually mean permanent oxygen. Huge old house with land that they can’t cope with. Struggle to get people (paid) to help. They are now trying to sell but it’s too exhausting for them. They just couldn’t see at 75 that they would get frail and old. I couldn’t persuade them back then, was told not to tell them how to run their life. If your parents insist on a large house, steer them towards something that can be adapted. Stairlifts, downstairs bathroom and possible bedrooms. Also with good bus links to town and amenities for when they can’t drive. Simple garden that’s easy to maintain.

Wanting 5 bedrooms seems like madness when it's just the 2 of them.

When my mum was the age I am now, I remember her complaining a lot about my grandma and her refusal to downsize until it was nearly too late. fast forward 30 years and here we are in exactly the same situation, with mum still in the family house and refusing to move somewhere more suitable. MiL similar.

It seems to me that there’s a universal level of denial and lack of self awareness going on as we age, along with an overestimation of our abilities. Maybe it’s how we cope with getting old? I’m afraid I have no advice on how to dissuade your parents OP. I bet even if you set boundaries now you’d have to have a heart of stone to see them struggle in years to come. The only approach I could see working is if they had similar problems with their parents and a hard conversation reminding them of this could get through to them?

(i did have a friend whose parents downsized and moved across the country to live in the same small village as my friends “to be near their grandchildren” when they retired. My friend promptly moved themselves 60 miles away, having already warned their parents that they weren’t intending in living in that area forever due to job/careers development etc.)

Often it's not the number of bedrooms people want but the size of the living spaces. Houses with 2 or 3 bedrooms usually come with smaller living rooms/kitchens and if you are used to larger spaces that can be tough to accept.

Can you just step back from the discussions? Are they likely to do the move if you don’t get involved? Buying a house at that age after having not done the process for a while, packing up, emptying lofts and garages is a huge and daunting task. If they don’t do it now hopefully those houses will sell and in a few years maybe they will realise that they can’t cope with a huge property and will agree to go into something more suitable.

They probably don’t want 5 bedrooms. They want one or maybe two bedrooms for themselves, a spare, a room for her to do her hobbies, a room to do his hobbies, maybe a study each. They want space for their furniture. And they want the size of living room that comes with a 5 bed house

It seems to me that there’s a universal level of denial and lack of self awareness going on as we age, along with an overestimation of our abilities. Maybe it’s how we cope with getting old? Getting old is a steady process of shedding everything that is important to us, makes us who we are. It doesn’t seem like a golden future moving into a 1 bed sheltered accommodation flat when you’re used to gardening, doing other hobbies which require space. Being free to go out to coffee shops is no substitution.

Added to that your status declines from valued member of the community, perhaps active in voluntary work, to “old person”, seen as a burden and nuisance from all levels, from fumbling with your change at checkouts upwards. Who wants to embrace that earlier than they need to?

@MereDintofPandiculation Add to that the messages that as a pensioner you're a leech on the state, a burden on the NHS and in a charming phrase I've seen on here, 'living too long,' and it's not wonder some people rage against the dying of the light and put off acknowledging it's happening for as long as possible.

I certainly don't feel I would ever want to move but never say never.... there are 90 year olds near me in their family houses and for many it is also about wanting big distances from neighbours, gardening hobbies that are their main activity even into their 80s, wanting space for children to stay which is very common around here - almost every old person regularly has sometimes for months at a time an adult child on a visit from abroad etc and I will be working hopefully into my 80s and need lots of space for my work too.

The fact my parents could afford to die in their house of 50 years with all their familiar things etc around them and I suppose also the status of a nice detached house is a good example with my father working until he was 77 (died at 79).

Also it is that person's life and their decisions. One of my children's great grandmothers died at about 92 in her own house in Yorkshire, heart attack, fell down cellar steps, wonderful way to die in some ways. The other one on that side went a bit demented and was in a care home where we visited her which was perfectly nice but not somewhere most of us would like to be - same with her daughter in due course

I suppose it depends just how blunt you want to be. You could tell them that you are only going to be available to help them with the move, settling in etc to a certain specified level, and that you will not be able to help with gardening, house maintenance , transport again beyond a specified level. It’s bloody hard though, because they will probably not observe the limits and there will be a lot of judgemental nonsense from other people who do not have these responsibilities

I must admit that I actually suggested to my parents (only child) that they moved from four hours away to much nearer, and they did it while they were still active enough to settle in. That worked pretty well ( better than before, anyway).

the only thing I can suggest is that you talk separately to your mother about finding a more suitable house at a more suitable distance, because it sounds as if she is a more reasonable that DF. If she said ‘DD has found this lovely house ….. let’s go and see it’ would that work? Especially as it sounds as if it is going to be her house for longer, and downsizing twice…..😟

I hope you can find a solution