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Elderly parents

FIL, care and how often DH should go

34 replies

4899f · 11/05/2023 14:50

New to elderly parents but would love to get other people's perspective on our current set up. PIL both elderly - FIL bedbound and MIL (who used to be his carer) is now sick herself and has been moved into a hospital (probably indefinitely).

Current set up is that BIL lives with FIL and sort of carers for him though they do have lots of carers coming everyday. This has been the situation for a year with BIL not really wanting to become a carer but no other choice once MIL left. DH currently goes for one/two days per week to give his brother a break and most bank holiday weekends etc. It's two hours away and we have young kids at home so am left with managing that side of things.

It's been a year since FIL has become bed ridden and we seem to have reached a status quo with BIL upset and unhappy to be a carer but feeling stuck. DH feeling responsible for going over every week but doing it mainly for his brother rather than his dad. Until now I have supported DH going over there but am beginning to feel like BIL either needs to get more care in so he feels more able to leave the house and sort of have a life - or try and convince his dad to go into a home. How do other people manage in similar circumstances?

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thedogisstaring · 11/05/2023 14:56

Well it's easy to say get in more carers but by the sound of it BIL needs more support than a few hours a week, can FIL financially afford to have a full time carer come in for a full day and maybe a night a week?

Is FIL open to the fact that the time has come for him to go into a care home?

A big one but could you and DH move closer?

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Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 11/05/2023 15:03

Why is it up to BIL to get him to go to a care home? Your husband should be over there helping his brother with those arrangements and helping his father realise that it is time.

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nurseynursery · 11/05/2023 15:06

This doesn't seem like a very fair situation at all. Poor BIL

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4899f · 11/05/2023 15:12

So it's definitely not fair on BIL and my initial suggestion was that he moves in with us - FIL realises he needs more care and moves into a home. However, FIL is not always competent to make decisions so no idea whether he could do something like realising that he needs to move into a home. He doesn't care that BIL is struggling and about to collapse. Legally FIL still deemed competent but is anything but.

BIL is the one who doesnt want FIL (or rather respects FIL's wishes) not to go into a home. DH and I both thing it's more than time for that to happen already. I also offered to move closer but because we all live in the same city - if we move closer to FIL then DH will be a lot, a lot further away from his work so he's work commute will be 1.5hrs each way. We live in London so currently everyone lives at completely opposite ends of the city and DH works in yet another direction.

It's just so hard to know what the right thing to do is

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DustyLee123 · 11/05/2023 15:14

I’d ask social services to do an assessment.

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purplecorkheart · 11/05/2023 15:14

Your poor BIL why does it fall on him arrange more care (which is way more easily said than done) or arrange for his Dad to go to a Care Home. It is equally your dh responsibility to do the same.

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JussathoB · 11/05/2023 15:17

thedogisstaring · 11/05/2023 14:56

Well it's easy to say get in more carers but by the sound of it BIL needs more support than a few hours a week, can FIL financially afford to have a full time carer come in for a full day and maybe a night a week?

Is FIL open to the fact that the time has come for him to go into a care home?

A big one but could you and DH move closer?

Tbh I real don’t think it’s reasonable for OP and her DH and young children to move house in order to look after bedridden elderly relative.

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4899f · 11/05/2023 15:19

@purplecorkheart in a way because BIL/FIL are resistant to more support. They have carers coming four times a day but BIL still doesnt feel comfortable to leave the house. He also doesnt want his dad to go into a care home - not that he can seeing as FIL is refusing to go. So it's not about BIL sorting out the paperwork but more deciding on what he needs. He lives there unlike us. At the moment, it seems like everyone is in limbo hoping the situation will somehow sort itself out which it wont.

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4899f · 11/05/2023 15:20

@DustyLee123 social services have done an assessment. They don't qualify for continuing care and since they have money - the family pays for carers themselves i.e. social services washed their hands of it

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4899f · 11/05/2023 15:22

I guess my question is - how best to support a carer or encourage a carer to stop caring. Whilst DH going over there every week is not much for the family - for us it means he has no time off, doesnt spend any weekends with the kids, is constantly tired and actually how much support is he really providing for BIL with his weekly visits.

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JussathoB · 11/05/2023 15:23

4899f · 11/05/2023 15:20

@DustyLee123 social services have done an assessment. They don't qualify for continuing care and since they have money - the family pays for carers themselves i.e. social services washed their hands of it

Sorry not meaning to press but was the social services assessment recent? And after MIL was already in hospital?
it may be that if BIL lives in same house as FIL then SS will happily leave him to cope with the situation…. Very difficult for all of you

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4899f · 11/05/2023 15:26

@JussathoB yep, SS assessment was recent but from their point of view BIL plus carers four times a day provide adequate care and have no concerns. Not sure there is much they can offer so long as FIL refuses to go into a home and BIL remains there

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thedogisstaring · 11/05/2023 15:36

It does sound tough OP, if BIL doesn't want FIL to go into a home then what is his proposal to sort the problem?

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4899f · 11/05/2023 15:41

@thedogisstaring he doesn't have one, he just hopes it will all somehow magically go away. I think. He didnt move back in - but always lived at home so that when MIL could not longer do the care, he had to take over. So there was never a plan in the first place. I just dont know how to get out of this limbo

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thedogisstaring · 11/05/2023 15:46

Is BIL worried that if FIL goes into care then he will have to find somewhere else to live? If he's never moved out and has been full time carer (so assume not working) he may feel overwhelmed by the prospect, it may be that is whet he needs help with?

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Lottsbiffandsmudge · 11/05/2023 15:48

This is really tough. I think sometimes it's about being the sibling the encumbered siblings can let off steam to..rather than trying to solve the issue
My BIL is on the ground with my FIL (now in a home but its been a long painful and difficult process) we live 4 hours away. My DH nearly killed himself driving up every weekend for ages. Mostly to give BIL support. Costing us a fortune in hotel bills It's not sustainable in the long term tho.
If your BIL does not want FIL in a home and he has the max care BIL will tolerate then really that's his call..I guess your DH needs to make clear that you will help with getting FIL into a home or arranging more care but if that's not wanted what else can you do?
Meantime I think I would set out a more realistic visiting program. Maybe go for longer but less frequently. Full weekend every other week or whatever suits you to give BIL a proper break whilst allowing your DH to also see his DC and get rest too..
Meantime my DH is the one BIL can ring to moan to and ask advice of or give tasks that can be done from a distance to. He goes up once a month . It's the best we can do.

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4899f · 11/05/2023 15:48

@thedogisstaring so i think that wont happen because he's always lived there and MIL is actually under hospital care so I think the house is safe. BIL does have a full time job but has moved to WFH with Covid. Bu he's in his 30s so this cant just go on indefinitely

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JussathoB · 11/05/2023 15:53

4899f · 11/05/2023 15:41

@thedogisstaring he doesn't have one, he just hopes it will all somehow magically go away. I think. He didnt move back in - but always lived at home so that when MIL could not longer do the care, he had to take over. So there was never a plan in the first place. I just dont know how to get out of this limbo

It’s so difficult. I don’t know how people do this …. So exhausting and so much uncertainty about what could/should happen. Wish I had an answer for you.
Perhaps all you can do at the moment is keep muddling along doing the best you can, and somehow ensure you look after yourselves as well, must be very stressful.

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MistyMountainTop · 11/05/2023 16:03

Is FIL getting Attendance Allowance? It's not means tested so he would qualify if he has carers

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DucksNewburyport · 11/05/2023 16:07

It sounds to me like FIL needs to go into a home and DH needs to keep mentioning that to BIL until BIL reaches the point of agreeing.

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TheShellBeach · 11/05/2023 16:11

Would BIL accept a live-in carer?

Maybe on a one week on/one week off basis?

There are plenty of carers advertising in The Lady who do this. I used to do it myself.

Mind you, it's expensive, but probably about the same as you're paying for 4 visits a day.

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perfectimperfect · 11/05/2023 16:36

TheShellBeach · 11/05/2023 16:11

Would BIL accept a live-in carer?

Maybe on a one week on/one week off basis?

There are plenty of carers advertising in The Lady who do this. I used to do it myself.

Mind you, it's expensive, but probably about the same as you're paying for 4 visits a day.

Live in care will be a lot more than 4 care calls a day.

@4899f what additional care does your BIL give to his dad outside of the care calls? You say that he has capacity but that this fluctuates. Do his needs increase when his capacity fluctuates?

Unfortunately there needs to be some really honest conversations between your DH his brother and your FIL. Your DH need to make it clear that his current level of support is not sustainable so alternative arrangements need to be made. If your FIL is adamant that he wants to remain at home but your BIL can't cope with this, he needs to explain to his dad.
If your BIL is determined to keep his dad at home whatever then he needs to accept DH cannot be significantly involved and the family plan accordingly.
Your DH does not have to continue doing what he is, but he needs to be very honest about it not being an option at all.

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Mosaic123 · 11/05/2023 16:55

Perhaps BIL needs to book a 1 or 2 week holiday and FIL will agree to go into respite care.

This would give everyone a break and FIL might find her has better care overall?

(Not as easy to achieve as to write).

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junebirthdaygirl · 11/05/2023 17:23

Does bil have to visit his mom in hospital too? Sounds very busy. Definitely the right time for fil to go into full time care.

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TheShellBeach · 13/05/2023 17:16

Live in care will be a lot more than 4 care calls a day

I think it would be cheaper, actually.
The last time I did live-in care was six years ago and I charged £100 a day.

I imagine four visits a day would be more than that.

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