FIL, care and how often DH should go

[4899f]

New to elderly parents but would love to get other people's perspective on our current set up. PIL both elderly - FIL bedbound and MIL (who used to be his carer) is now sick herself and has been moved into a hospital (probably indefinitely).

Current set up is that BIL lives with FIL and sort of carers for him though they do have lots of carers coming everyday. This has been the situation for a year with BIL not really wanting to become a carer but no other choice once MIL left. DH currently goes for one/two days per week to give his brother a break and most bank holiday weekends etc. It's two hours away and we have young kids at home so am left with managing that side of things.

It's been a year since FIL has become bed ridden and we seem to have reached a status quo with BIL upset and unhappy to be a carer but feeling stuck. DH feeling responsible for going over every week but doing it mainly for his brother rather than his dad. Until now I have supported DH going over there but am beginning to feel like BIL either needs to get more care in so he feels more able to leave the house and sort of have a life - or try and convince his dad to go into a home. How do other people manage in similar circumstances?

I would absolutely say respite care. Any homes nearby that allow a week or two stay, and it’s a good way to check them out too. At the moment, BIL is getting no proper break and this might help him reset and rethink.

Has POA been set up?

OP I feel for you - I've got young kids and elderly parent and it's shit. Your kids need to be first and foremost in this as they have their whole lives in front of them and need their parents.

I'd have a chat with your husband and sort out what he reasonably can and can't do.

It's not your husband's job to prop up his brother in a caring role his brother doesn't want, at your kids' expense. Definitely look at respite care; FIL needs to be realistic.

The other thing you've said is that BIL seems to think it will "magically go away". It can be grim but nobody goes on forever! This will pass, it's just about figuring out how balance FIL's needs and your family, right now.

Will MIL be fit to be discharged from hospital back home? Or will she need a care package?
I think that will be the crunch point.

Your BIL chose never to leave home.
He's in his thirties and has benefitted from lower rent/bills presumably.
This was fine while his Mum did all the wifework.
Now it's biting him in the butt.
Cannot have it both ways.
He either moves out, property is sold and FIL goes into a care home with proceeds of house to help fund that (if MIL never going to be released from hospital) or he moves out, you sell the property and make an annexe for in-law(s) to live with you.
Either way, you need Power of Attorney and he needs to look for somewhere to live.

initially I got the impression you didn’t care and wanted to step away from it
But reading your updates it’s not the case

FIL will not see the gravity of the impact of his choices
BIL needs to go out and leave him
nothing will change till it comes to crisis point or something happens

4 visits a day for carers they tend to do all the personal care and meals
with him been bed bound BIL on his own can’t really do anything anyway
changing him will be a 2 person job so he would have to wait for the carers irrespective

the last 2 y my dad went off his legs there was only the carers who could change and sort him as the were in pairs

i may be misreading your posts, but it looks like BIL is actively making these choices - to live at home / with FIL, to become his carer, to decide that FIL needs somebody there between care visits: he’s not being forced into this situation by you or anyone else? SS are already providing the max carers and BIL is - by his own choice - filling in all the gaps.

why did he never leave home? What’s his financial / working / relationship situation? he’s very young to have chosen to remain at home and become a carer. Is your DH older or younger than him?

Also (and I'm someone who has had a relative in hospital for extended periods) hospitals do eventually want to get the beds freed up. So even if MIL is in there for a long time it's not a permanent move. Could both of them go into the same home? Having two people to look after is going to be incredibly tough on everyone.

effectively your BiL and FiL are waiting for some kind of health crisis with your FiL that forces their hands on what to do.

you could forgive your FiL for being happy with the status quo if he is warm and fed in his familiar bubble and has reduced capacity to consider the wider situation. But it does sound like your DH needs to have a hard conversation with his brother. Surely your BiL knows more than anyone the hard reality of your FiLs situation, so you need to get to the bottom of why he’s in this limbo and unable/unwilling to change things.

my DB had a hard time emotionally with our mums decline, and was in denial for a bit about how bad she was, but he got there. I’ve done my grieving for the woman she once was. I’m not trying to gloss over how hard that all is, but the urgencies of the practical aspects force your hands.

Have you raised the possibility of a care home? We are in a similar position with MIL. One SIL is currently carrying the biggest burden caring for her with DHs support and another sibling lives abroad. DH accepts MIL probably needs more care than family can offer, she has 60 care hours per week multiple visits daily and respite time as well but she still needs more significant additional input from particularly SIL but DH as well. His sisters don’t accept a care home option yet and certainly MIL never will. It will ultimately next come down to when SIL decides to go the care home route but for the moment she feels the benefits for her of having her mother with her outweigh the consequences. It is very tough emotionally for family members to get to the point of a care home and I think it is pretty usual for the caree never to get there.