Desperate situation with MIL (trigger warning-suicide))

[Olinguita]

My MIL has gone into a downward spiral since FIL passed away two years ago. She lives alone and basically can't cope with the loneliness. She is 68 and is able bodied. Over the past year, she has started drinking heavily and calling up my DH saying she wants to die and that we have abandoned her. She lives in another country but is also a British citizen so technically she can come to the UK easily to visit and can also live here. We have hosted her for two stretches of 2 months, on one occasion in our two bed flat right after my DS was born. we didn't really have room and she was not an easy house guest but it was the right thing to do, and family is family, so I stuck it out.

DH has also been over to visit her a few times. She refuses counselling or any kind of psychiatric help. She has few friends as she had a very happy but ultimately very codependent relationship with late FIL. She has no interest in making friends or taking up other activities. She has also alienated a number of friends and relatives, I think because of erratic and drunken behaviour.

She wants to either move in with DH, DS and I permanently, or she says she will drink herself to death. She says she drinks because she is lonely, and if she lives with us .... She won't.

The problem is, she is a very volatile and demanding character, and while she can be really sweet and generous at times, she has form for controlling behaviour and histrionics. Her presence in my home has really strained my marriage. I know if she were to move in with us on a permanent basis she would lean on us for her every need and would demand constant attention. I work full time and have a toddler (who doesn't sleep). I literally think I will have a breakdown if I have to live with her permanently and even if I did just suck it up, I'm not sure it would be a healthy environment for my son to grow up in.

She has assets in the country where she lives that could be sold to purchase a small flat near to DH and I. I have suggested the following options:
-She can live with us for two months of the year
-She can buy a small property nearby (we can help her) and we will see her multiple times a week and incorporate her in family life, but we will have separate homes.

• she attends a rehab in the country where she is now (we have found a beautiful place with a very holistic approach that we can afford - it would be financially out of our reach in the UK but we can fund 3 months of this in her home country) at least that would be a start, and then we can work from there.

MIL simply isn't willing to engage in any of these options.

She was found wandering the streets outside her home pissed out of her mind several times. Last week a neighbour found her face down on the pavement. I keep telling my DH he needs to get on a plane and just DO something.

I am sick with worry, DH is permanently angry and on edge, and the atmosphere in my home is frankly poisonous. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem.

I'm so scared the phone will ring and it will be the neighbours saying she has been found dead.
Can anyone offer some words of wisdom or just a hand-held?

At 68 she isn’t elderly and seems to be choosing this lifestyle. I have a friend with severe alcohol issues, unfortunately after several stints like this she eventually went (forced) into a facility for 30 days. She found a way to have alcohol hidden in the grounds and never engaged with the program.

You can’t make your MIL change her ways and by giving in to her it could signal the end of your marriage. I doubt she could stay sober for 2 months in your home. I realise it’s no help, I just want you to know that you are not being selfish protecting your own nuclear family from this in your home.

Please stop pushing your DH, he has no more control over his mother than you do, and you will just make things worse for him.

You have made several generous, sensible offers to her and she has refused them. There is no more you can do. Yes, you may get a call saying she is dead but if that happens it is because of her actions; you have done everything you can to change things for her.

@QuickNameChangeForMeToday thanks so much for the reply 🙏
Honestly my marriage is already in tatters . I reckon we have a shot at putting it right but if I back down and invite MIL into our home I can just see my marriage collapsing. The other thing is during her last visits we were able to devote a lot more time to her as I was on mat leave and my husband's company was cutting him a huge amount of slack due to the bereavement. But we can't replicate that now as we have to work, and she would have to be self sufficient at least some of the time.
I was raised by an alcoholic father (great relationship with him now but took a lot of therapy to be at peace with it) so as you can imagine this is pushing a lot of buttons for me.
I can only imagine how horrendous it is to lose your life partner and to be so isolated. I'm just so disappointed that she can't meet us in the middle and allow us to do something to alleviate this terrible loneliness without basically blowing up my nuclear family. I would have really liked a warm relationship with her, and I am so desperately sad that it's all gone so wrong.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime I sort of know deep down you are right.
My DH has been floundering since his dad died and is like a rabbit in the headlights about his mum, so I have basically defaulted to what I normally do in a crisis, which is to make lists of scenarios and options, and to encourage DH to brainstorm them, but without being prescriptive or pushy (a habit I learned from my mum). You are correct in that I perhaps need to back off now.

Try to cut yourself some slack too, it sounds like a horrible situation. @LadyGardenersQuestionTime is right, if that news comes it’s no your fault, she’s choosing this.

You have offered alternatives/compromises op, you are not the problem. The ball is in her court.
As the offspring of an alcoholic I know they can’t be helped to give up unless they want to give up. With a young child I wouldn’t even invite an alcoholic to live in my home for even 2 months at a time so you are being more than generous.
FIL was also an alcoholic and DH had to race there numerous times a couple of years ago after he’d had a fall and the ambulance had been called. It was a 4 hour round trip. FIL also wouldn’t entertain moving closer to us, the worry and anger also caused stress in our relationship. After one last drunken fall he did end up in hospital and sadly, after several days, he died. It was a sad ending but it also brought an immense relief to all of us (SIL & Bil too) that the constant worry was over. It really does have an effect on you and sometimes, for your own sanity, you do need to take a step back.

This sounds awful 😢. Does your dh want his mum to live with you? You sound incredibly generous with your suggestions but you sadly can’t force her to take you up on it. Just hold firm on the moving in 😢.

@Plethoraofwoo thanks for the message - you totally get it.
I'm really sorry about your FIL.
We have had a few situations with my own dad not so long ago where he collapsed in the street or was picked up by police. Really grim. So sad to be in this same position with MIL.
The strain it has put on my DH (and in turn on our marriage) is appalling. He is constantly tense, angry and unpredictable.

Your suggestions are generous and helpful, don't offer anything else. Mil and DH need to own their part in this and either accept an option or else accept this will not end well. No one can stop mil drinking, apart from
perhaps mil herself when she is in the right mind.
You've done your bit

@KingSpaniel he won't give me a straight answer about this. They don't really get on and the bickering between the pair of them during her last stay was very wearing. I think it would assuage DH's guilt if she moved in. Whether he would actually enjoy it is a totally different question. he has said in moments of temper that he just wants us to be one happy family but he will just have to (grudgingly) accept the fact I can't commit to living with his mum. So I feel guilty. But I think he doesn't really want to live with her either, but has the convenient excuse of his difficult wife...

@Olinguita so so hard 😢. I really feel for you. We have a lot of emotional blackmail from my mum since my dad died but there’s no way I could live with her.

As others have said you may need to just leave him to it for a bit and see what happens but I know that’s much easier said than done x

Personally I would rather be divorced than live with an alcoholic parent, mine or my DH’s.

It’s not clear what the issues are with your marriage, do they precede your FIL’s death?

When my FIL was detoxing he came to live with us-quite frankly the worst time of my life. You unfortunately need to step back.

@Donotgogentle we were pretty happy before but had some niggles about his mum, because she used to come for long visits and totally take over the house and nitpick everything, and DH would regress to being a child again. That caused tension. But other than that we were good. Then we had a baby, then FIL died, and then this whole MIL situation... We have really been through the ringer!!
@MrsElijahMikaelson1 yikes... How long did he stay with you for? You sound like a saint.

A relative of mine had a complete breakdown 18 months after her DH died. It came to crisis point, she ended up being sectioned, and spent two months in a psychiatric unit at the local hospital. She did recover, but it was a long haul and she was never really the same person she was before.

Sounds really tough.

It’s important to protect your mental well being and put in place the boundaries necessary to do that. I think you need to hold your line. You’re not responsible for your MIL’s actions.

No way I'd have an alcoholic in my home with a toddler. Absolutely not a chance. What if she drunkenly leaves the front door open? Or goes to make chips and sets fire to the kitchen? I don't believe for a minute she won't drink once she's in your home. Your husband is caught between a rock and a hard place but you need to protect your child as you know the damage this could do after your experience. I honestly think your marriage is in real trouble whichever way this pans out, but you have offered realistic options, your husband will hopefully see that given a bit of space and you could weather this storm, but your marriage won't survive her living with you

She wants to either move in with DH, DS and I permanently, or she says she will drink herself to death.

She is not elderly, she is only 1 year older than retirement age in the UK. This statement is pure emotional blackmail. Of course you have compassion for her grief, but that shouldn't extend to sacrificing your own sanity and your marriage for someone who can be difficult and controlling. You have offered her some generous options - if she refuses them then she's an adult, you have to let her make her own unwise decisions.

OP obviously I can't predict the future
My guess is that if you allow her to live with you, there'll be more upset.

I have a brief experience worth mentioning. A neighbour, similar age, lost her DH two years ago. I didn't know her much but offered help. I helped with some paperwork and was originally okay to go to the pub with her. That stopped because she drank heavily and talked about her DH non stop. Her other friends had issues with it too.

Her DD is not far but limits visits to once a week since her father died, as understandably, she can't cope with her mum.

There has now been an incident with my neighbour being hospitalised, I think she's got severe intestinal damage from the alcohol - this is about two years of heavy drinking. Her poor DD is now feeling in a bind - her mum promises she'll drink less if her DD is around more!

We are a friendly building but we all distance ourselves from this lady now, and we feel so sorry for her DD.

I think the point I'm making is, having her near is no guarantee she'll stop drinking or even reduce it, so potentially your family life will be spoiled.

I would step back. If something happens, you and your DH are not to blame.

Do not under any circumstances allow her to move in with you and do not feel any guilt if and when she drinks herself to death. Sounds like you have bent over backwards trying to help and accommodate her. In the nicest possible way leave her to it.

stand your ground, dont agree to take her in, this would be a disaster. YOu have made some very generous offers already, if she chooses not to accept any of them, that is not your fault

The ball in her court now, she’s on her own downward spiral and if she comes to live with you she’ll take you down with her, you and your husband.
Be firm that she isn’t coming to live with you, she can buy a flat nearby but she’s not moving in.
Neither of you can ‘fix’ this, it’s up to her, she can accept the offer of rehab or not but it’s her choice and if she chooses not to then she accepts the consequences.

Your DH is the problem. I can also almost guarantee that if your MIL were to die, he will be blaming you. Maybe not logically, but there will be accusations in moments of anger.

if you want your marriage to survive you’re going to have to play the long game and allow yourself to be small/victim in his eyes. Don’t try to fix it, make him feel sorry for you so he’s on your side not hers. Sounds cynical but it’s true…because he is making there be sides. He is not taking a stand against his mother and saying WE believe this is the way it has to be. My wife and I have discussed and… nonono. He’s letting you be the bad guy so he doesn’t have to.

There no point in trying to reason with him either. Adult conversation won’t work because he’s already acting like a coward. If you don’t think you can manipulate him into being on your side, alternative choice is to LTB.

ps wherever her actions take her, it definitely won’t be your fault.

By sorry for you I mean protective of you. Just to clarify my cynicism

I think DH should tell mum that she cant live with you, what she is doing is further damaging her relationship with you all and when she is ready to engage you are there to support her by helping her access rehab, professional help etc.

Your DH cant fix this and he needs to be careful to look after her own mental health. He must be grieving too. Hopefully you and DH will gel together over this and it will help.