Desperate situation with MIL (trigger warning-suicide))

[Olinguita]

My MIL has gone into a downward spiral since FIL passed away two years ago. She lives alone and basically can't cope with the loneliness. She is 68 and is able bodied. Over the past year, she has started drinking heavily and calling up my DH saying she wants to die and that we have abandoned her. She lives in another country but is also a British citizen so technically she can come to the UK easily to visit and can also live here. We have hosted her for two stretches of 2 months, on one occasion in our two bed flat right after my DS was born. we didn't really have room and she was not an easy house guest but it was the right thing to do, and family is family, so I stuck it out.

DH has also been over to visit her a few times. She refuses counselling or any kind of psychiatric help. She has few friends as she had a very happy but ultimately very codependent relationship with late FIL. She has no interest in making friends or taking up other activities. She has also alienated a number of friends and relatives, I think because of erratic and drunken behaviour.

She wants to either move in with DH, DS and I permanently, or she says she will drink herself to death. She says she drinks because she is lonely, and if she lives with us .... She won't.

The problem is, she is a very volatile and demanding character, and while she can be really sweet and generous at times, she has form for controlling behaviour and histrionics. Her presence in my home has really strained my marriage. I know if she were to move in with us on a permanent basis she would lean on us for her every need and would demand constant attention. I work full time and have a toddler (who doesn't sleep). I literally think I will have a breakdown if I have to live with her permanently and even if I did just suck it up, I'm not sure it would be a healthy environment for my son to grow up in.

She has assets in the country where she lives that could be sold to purchase a small flat near to DH and I. I have suggested the following options:
-She can live with us for two months of the year
-She can buy a small property nearby (we can help her) and we will see her multiple times a week and incorporate her in family life, but we will have separate homes.

• she attends a rehab in the country where she is now (we have found a beautiful place with a very holistic approach that we can afford - it would be financially out of our reach in the UK but we can fund 3 months of this in her home country) at least that would be a start, and then we can work from there.

MIL simply isn't willing to engage in any of these options.

She was found wandering the streets outside her home pissed out of her mind several times. Last week a neighbour found her face down on the pavement. I keep telling my DH he needs to get on a plane and just DO something.

I am sick with worry, DH is permanently angry and on edge, and the atmosphere in my home is frankly poisonous. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem.

I'm so scared the phone will ring and it will be the neighbours saying she has been found dead.
Can anyone offer some words of wisdom or just a hand-held?

Sorry to hear this OP. Is there another option of your MIL getting some kind of help, then buying a place and your DH living with her. You've presented many options, so not sure what else you can do. MIL will wreck yoir massage anyway and DH shouldn't want DC to be exposed to that, so that's why I'm thinking that makes MIL 'happy' and DH not feeling guilty. Chances are he'll get sick of that arrangement. I've had alcoholics in the family, they can only change if they want to change and it sounds like MIL doesn't want to. It won't feel like it now, but it's a silver lining that DH cares about his mum as there are plenty out there who wouldn't. Maybe ask him what options he thinks are feasible saying that the living with you as a family and been tried and proven not to work. If you can get a friend or family who is impartial to mediate. I hope something works out for you

I was thinking what @Devonshiregal has written. I think that sums up
a difficult situation. I’d try to get your DH to have some counselling. If he doesn’t have your back, start looking at strategies that are best for you and your toddler. I send you hugs.

Once someone says "Do as I say or I will kill myself" it's game over. You can't trust them, and you certainly can't give them any power. By saying that MIL has shown you that you must not let her into your home.

Know the limits of your responsibility. Stop engaging and trying to fix this. That's what your DH is doing, and it's probably the best defence mechanism. You do not want an emotionally abusive alcoholic landing on you to leech the life out of you. Just say no. It's the right thing for your child.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime is quite correct.

It sounds like your most immediate problem is actually your DH's state of mind and the effect this is having on your relationship. Would he consider having therapy to deal with his feelings around this whole situation, to help himself but also reduce the burden on you?

Even if she stopped drinking today and never took another drop the answer would still be "no, you're not living with us". It's not your job to turn her life around and make her happy, only she can do that. You are not responsible for her actions or her life choices. Is her ideal living situation never leaving your house? No friends or activities, just you all the time? She's 68, only a year into retirement and it's a different commitment to if she was 88.

Out of the alternatives on the table I would have thought that a small flat locally would have the most going for it. If there is housing for over 60s locally that might work too as often there is a social element built in.

You've given her some real choices, she won't consider any of them if she thinks there's any chance of holding out and getting her own way. If the neighbours call and say she's dead, well they do. Life is formed by the choices we make and this is the life that MIL has chosen. (yes, she didn't choose to be widowed but after that her new life is as she made it)

I really feel for you OP (and your DH). Your MIL is being highly manipulative. You need to be very clear about your boundaries and you are right not to let her come and live with you, esp with a young child in your house.

Your DH must be in turmoil and incredibly stressed, but you need to hold your boundary in the face of this. It may mean your marriage ends. Your DH will soon wise up if he finds himself living with his mother full time, whilst you and your child are living in peace elsewhere. That said, I think your DH deserves compassion because she is abusing him and messing with his head. However, someone ( ie. You) must step up and be the adult in the room. Do not get dragged into their dysfunctional family dynamics. I'd guess that the late FIL kept a lid on her behaviour and now she's on her own, she's unleashed. Take a boundaried approach to her.

Most important thing - Put yourself and your child first.

Your primary responsibility as parents is to your actual dependent - DS. Not a grown woman who makes poor life choices.

Going forward I would just state what's best for DS - and that's not MIL living with you.

This is emotional blackmail and you really need to disengage completely and prioritise yourself and your DC and let your DH follow his own path. Encourage him to put in place boundaries with his mother and, if he is open to it, to have some therapy/support from elsewhere to cope with his guilt etc. Be very clear with your boundaries with DH too. Don't allow him to blame you.

I wouldn't have her anywhere near your family frankly as it will end in disaster. Arms length support when she is ready to accept it is all you should offer.

I say this as someone who had a similar experience with a very difficult and manipulative FIL (complete with DH regression etc.). I effectively absented myself from the (dysfunctional) relationship, my DH did have some therapy (which helped hugely), and I helped put in place a huge amount of support from afar, especially at the (very difficult) end of FIL's life.

Under no circumstances is she to live with you.

For your own wellbeing, such close engagement with an alcoholic will drain all that you gained in your recovery as a child of an alcoholic.

Your DH is now squaring up to the reality of an alcoholic parent as he also grieves for the loss of his father, the realisation that his mother may have been drinking heavily already & the practical frustrations of caring at a considerable distance. Encourage him to seek his own support locally with Al-Anon family groups, & arrange distant support for his mother.

Although this situation is a challenge to your relationship, you may have compassion for DH as he struggles & give him the space to come to terms with this.

All the same, stand your ground.
You have wisdom, experience & common sense on your side.

I am with devonshiregirl.

I would be spending the spare money on therapy for your DH.

When my FIL died i could only get DH into therapy by saying my work were paying for it 🙄

Best moeny ever spent. He know can see all the family dysfunction and has stop all the victim which "side" do i pick nonsense with his mother.

The bereavement is still a factor for your DH and MIL, losing a parent and a spouse after long marriage. The second year is often experienced as the worst. But heavy alcohol use just complicates everything and creates its own problems. This is so difficult.

Did she drink heavily before? There’s some hope, maybe, if she didn’t - many people have started drinking problematically since covid, or a bereavement during that time

The problem is that if she did come to live with you and you couldn't cope, how could you tell her she had to leave? It's far easier if she doesn't come in the first place. Surely your husband can see that?

Huge sympathies OP. i would not have her living in my house. I’m no expert but just a thought. If she didn’t have a drinking problem before her husband’s death is she really an alcoholic? Is it not more a side effect of the depression? And more easily treatable?

Brutally, be glad the problem is in another country, not in your spare bedroom.

Don't delude yourself she's ever going to voluntarily give up drinking (in your house, around your child) . She has refused to address the offered suggestions; so she has to face the consequences.

You could have been talking about my mum OP.

I had exactly the same when my step dad died. They didn't really have friends, so when he passed away she had no one. They were always drinkers, but my mum would get paralytic on the regular.

Your DH is obviously struggling. There is no way you can have an alcoholic in the house with a child. He knows this deep down but the manipulation from his mum makes him feel so small and guilty. I would agree with others that if you can get DH to engage in therapy that will really help.

You are in a lose-lose situation. You have been more than accommodating and very tolerant. I believe your relationship is likely to end over this and that your MIL clearly doesn't care, maybe thats her selfish plan. You need to put this back to your husband, so the choices are his and ask him what he thinks the best option is and MIL living with you is not a option due to your DC. I also think from a selfish point of view she should stay where she is as living close to you will be worse (and possibly not great for her either if she has grown up wherewver she lives now). PP have made valid points that she's still young, and could be around for another 30+ years! Also in my experience people who threaten death, are not nice people.

Hello everyone, I haven't had time to reply to everyone individually but I just wanted to thank you all so much for sharing your insights.
Right now DH's mental health is a huge concern. He did have some therapy last year paid for by his work but I don't get the impression he used it to talk about family patterns, it honestly seemed like more of an opportunity to lick his wounds in a safe space. Which is fine on one level , but I sensed no willingness to reflect on family dysfunction. As one poster said earlier, MIL is abusing him in a way with her behaviour. I hadn't really thought of it like that but it makes sense. He deserves compassion too. I just don't think he is going to engage in therapy, even now. He already vetoed marriage counseling.

@ExtensionAnxiety I think your point about late FIL keeping a lid on MILs behaviour is spot on. I sense there have been some long running issues around her mental health and behaviour that have been swept under the carpet for a long time. This is based on snippets from other family members that I've heard and a few things that DH has let on. DH always says they don't want to put a "label" on her.

What we are dealing with at the moment feels like a blend of grief and genuine undiagnosed mental health problems that may have been there for a long time, with a bit of plain old bad behaviour thrown into the mix for good measure.

@MMAMPWGHAP I hear mixed reports from DH about whether the drinking is a new thing or not. It appears to me she can turn it off and turn it on again. She has never had a problem with alcohol during her UK visits and she didn't touch a drop when DH last visited her for two weeks. And she has spells of a few weeks here and there where she is dry. It doesn't quite match the patterns of drinking that I've usually observed with alcoholics.

Honestly OP you've dodged a bullet. DON'T ever have her live with you and don't encourage her to live near you. Her alcoholism is only going to get worse and it'll ruin your marriage if she's in your home.

It won't be 2 months a year, it'll be 2 months of stress knowing it's coming, 2 months of pure hell while she's around and 2 months mentally recovering from the inevitable fallout from her visit. So 6 months a year of yours, DH and DC lives ruined every year. Realistically, eventually the stress will never leave you and you'll end up dreading her next visit the day she leaves the current one.

She's choosing to ruin her life, don't ruin yours too. Stop pressuring your DH to get on a plane and DO something. There's nothing he can do. It's her choice, she doesn't want help, so she can't be helped.

Support DH in his grief over his father and in his other feelings surrounding his mother. Stop pushing your feelings onto him. Step back from the MIL situation. Stop offering suggestions, especially ones that'll ruin your lives. Stop trying to take responsibility for her. She isn't your responsibility (or DH's). Stop trying to fix her alcoholism to avoid your own feelings. Sit with your feelings, work on them, focus on your own mental wellness and leave MIL to it. She's looking to replace her husband with her son and is trying to manipulate the situation to get what she wants.

She doesn't need to come live in the UK. The solution is for her to attend rehab, apologize to everyone for her awful behaviour, get help with her grief at losing her husband, build her confidence in living alone, reconnect with her friends and make new ones, get hobbies and embrace her new phase of life as a widow (sad as it is), whilst being happy that her son has a successful life of his own.

@LuluTaylor thanks, you are right about backing off and not suggesting solutions.

I guess I was horrified at MIL's total lack of any plan for the future that I wanted to encourage her and DH to start thinking ahead so we didn't end up reaching a crisis (although that's where we have ended up anyway). FIL was almost 20 years senior to DH so it was always going to happen that he passed first. Their only plan was that DH would "look after" her when she was gone, although what "look after" entails was clearly a nebulous concept. She seems to have interpreted it as turning DH into a substitute husband and totally collapsing on top of my nuclear family, rather than, say, accepting a reasonable amount of emotional, practical and financial support... I actually think this was quite wicked of FIL. He basically groomed DH to accept an unreasonable amount of responsibility for a fundamentally unreasonable individual.

But that is all beside the point and I'm rambling now, I am going to reflect on your key message of just backing off from the situation and trying my best to support DH. You are right, even two months of the year would be an almost unbearable upheaval. Every time she has stayed in the past, my relationship with my DH has literally taken months to stabilise again.

I always think that DS and her might have this lovely and magical relationship even if I can't stand her. But a useful rule of thumb is that if I find a family member appallingly stressful to be around, the chances are my child will probably struggle with them too!!! Need to stop my wishful thinking.

Your DH should consider the group for relatives of alcoholics, is it AlAnon?

@Wilma55 that is a very good suggestion. Unfortunately I mentioned this already and he doesn't want to go, because he says his mum isn't a proper alcoholic, she just drinks because she is lonely and has abandonment issues, and it won't help him.

I agree.

She has to be left to her devices to live as she wishes or to sell her property and fund her new lifestyle but both drinking and ordering you how to live so she can live with you is a no way. I cut my mother in law for making silly ( not even stupid ) comments for 5 years, that taught her and now she sees us and is the most angelic old soul. I believe in boundaries and that others have to pick up their messes