Guilt of socialising without DM when I'm her only friend

[NBLarsen]

My mother is alone now. She's elderly, reasonably healthy, certainly able to look after herself, but lives alone and has no close friends. She used to have a friendship group but during lockdown and since, her friends have sadly died. She keeps busy every day with volunteering and hobbies (as all of the advice says!) but has not made any friends through these activities. Which leaves me as her only companion for socialising.

We do a lot together, and I enjoy it so that's not the issue. But I do have friends and a social life, and this is where I have a problem - the guilt from doing anything without her.

Examples,
We go on holiday every year together, we have a trip booked this summer. But I have also just been on a really fun trip with friends. She said how sad she was that she wouldn't get to go to this place now because I've already been and I wouldn't want to go again. She wasn't trying to guilt trip me, she genuinely meant that she was sad, but it left me feeling awful.

I went to the cinema with a friend and enjoyed the film, suggested she should go. But she won't go alone and said she will have to wait until it comes out on TV.

I've been invited to a coronation celebration at a friend's house which I'd like to go to. Mum is sad because that means she'll spend coronation day (a big deal for her) alone, watching by herself on tv, no one to celebrate with.

Whatever I do with someone else, I'm conscious that means she won't get to do it, and it's stopping me enjoying myself.

The answer is not to invite her to join me with my friends, I need to have my own social life. But how do I manage my guilt and her sadness about not getting to do things because I don't want to go on holiday to the same place again/watch a film at the cinema twice/etc.

She has really tried to make new friends and is genuinely sad that she doesn't have any.

[Slimjimtobe]

Oh my god op - your mum is being really really unfair here

mine is similar but I try to take less calls & tell her little about my life as she will just add negativity to every situation

[LadyWhineglass]

That’s very passive aggressive.

[SleepingisanArt]

I think the coronation is a big deal for her (it is for my dad in who's in his 70s and saw the last one as a child) so maybe you could organise a party at your or hers so that she has company for that event.

Cinema, holidays and your social life - it's your life, you only get one so enjoy it! Your mum is lucky you do things with her and you are a very good daughter to include her in so many things.

[Snowontheroof]

Is she fit enough to join a walking group? There are several in the little town where I live catering for various abilities from a "Walking for Health" group which is organised by the council, though to the ramblers and beyond (too brisk for me!). I have noticed that newcomers to our group (middling ability 🙂) quickly get to know people if they come regularly.

[Coyoacan]

If you do everything together you'll run out of things to talk about

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"She said how sad she was that she wouldn't get to go to this place now because I've already been and I wouldn't want to go again. She wasn't trying to guilt trip me, she genuinely meant that she was sad, but it left me feeling awful."
She is trying to guilt trip you. At the very least, she is unconcerned that her saying these things might guilt trip you. But I think she is trying to guilt trip you.

[SixPurpleChairs]

How old is she?

I think she needs to not make these comments, it's not fair on you.

[PerryMenno]

@WhereYouLeftIt

"She said how sad she was that she wouldn't get to go to this place now because I've already been and I wouldn't want to go again. She wasn't trying to guilt trip me, she genuinely meant that she was sad, but it left me feeling awful."
She is trying to guilt trip you. At the very least, she is unconcerned that her saying these things might guilt trip you. But I think she is trying to guilt trip you.

Yes that was my take on it too.

It might be better to share less information about what you're up to.

[FictionalCharacter]

@WhereYouLeftIt

"She said how sad she was that she wouldn't get to go to this place now because I've already been and I wouldn't want to go again. She wasn't trying to guilt trip me, she genuinely meant that she was sad, but it left me feeling awful."
She is trying to guilt trip you. At the very least, she is unconcerned that her saying these things might guilt trip you. But I think she is trying to guilt trip you.

Yes. She did the same with the cinema trip and the coronation thing. Telling you how she gets the sads when you do something in your own life because <sadface> she would so liked to have done/seen it is manipulative.
She has her volunteering and hobbies, so she isn’t alone all the time.

[Snugglemonkey]

@WhereYouLeftIt

"She said how sad she was that she wouldn't get to go to this place now because I've already been and I wouldn't want to go again. She wasn't trying to guilt trip me, she genuinely meant that she was sad, but it left me feeling awful."
She is trying to guilt trip you. At the very least, she is unconcerned that her saying these things might guilt trip you. But I think she is trying to guilt trip you.

I agree. Your mother's social life is her responsibility. Her sadness is her issue. You are not responsible for her feelings. It is not your job to entertain her. You feel guilty, because she has raised you this way. That was wrong of her. A good parent raises a child to be free.

[Mamaneedsadrink]

You sound like a lovely daughter. I'll assume she's not trying to make you feel guilty as some others are suggesting. I'd just keep trying to encourage her to do new things and maybe talk about your social things a little but less if they end up making you feel guilty. Hopefully she'll make some friends soon. Is she in any position to move to one of those retirement villages? That might ne am idea or maybe join some clubs? I've actually seen an elderly person advertise for a coffee group/club on my local website

[suburbophobe]

OP, how old are you both?

You sound far too enmeshed with your mother and that old chestnut FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is taking hold of you.

Your mother sounds selfish too holding you to FOG. She really has no right to demand you to drop your independence to accommodate her needs 24/7.

This is the time you have to forge to create your own life with friends, outings, holidays to not only live your own life but to become independent for your own future. Because she's not going to be around for ever (none of us are).
We all need to learn independence in life.

I'm a single mum myself, my son is an adult. No way would I expect him to take me with him when he goes travelling or out with mates. That would just be too weird. We do go out for dinner together and have met up on separate holidays to the same place for some time together.

[suburbophobe]

I've been invited to a coronation celebration at a friend's house which I'd like to go to.

maybe you could organise a party at your or hers so that she has company for that event.

I guess you skimmed over the OP..... @SleepingisanArt

I do like your username, up at 4 AM. 😊

[Soonenough]

I had this with an elderly relative. If I said I went anywhere without him , I got this sort of comment. Finally I said to him that at my age , didn't he go out and socialise with his own friends? Did always bring his elderly uncle ? He enjoyed his younger days and it is only fair that I did too. Also said that making me feel guilty made me upset and then I was reluctant to spend time with him. He did it to other people too and I explained as gently as I could that behaviour pushed people away altogether.

[Nobsandnockers]

I am in the same situation. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it? Loneliness is a terrible thing. It’s great your mum is healthy; mine isn’t and it’s even harder.I don’t think she is trying to guilt trip you.
It’s really hard but maybe you could encourage her to take the initiative - anyone fancy a coffee style? Book clubs/walking as pp said, church group, even if not really religious.

[wandawaves]

She's guilt tripping you. She's allowed to feel sad, but what is the point of telling you? There's no other point other than making you feel guilty. I would start telling her less of your social life.

As for your actual question, perhaps just try to remind yourself that you are young and have friends and are allowed to be enjoying that, and your mum was equally as young and social once, with lots of friends, but currently, it's your turn to be living your life.

[PotKettel]

My village hall is doing a Coronation Watch-along live stream followed by a bath dance and a hog roast! Book her a taxi and get her to something like that, I’m sure there’s something near you. Imagine how much fun she could have WITHOUT you. Good luck op you sound lovely

[PotKettel]

Aha barn dance not bath dance! Silly auto spell

[theculture]

If you live your life for her instead of you you'll have a lonely old age too!

The PP point about thinking how she was living her life when she was your age us a good one

It's tough though and think the suggestions to keep quieter about your life and be proactive in finding alternatives she can do without you are good ones

[FellPuck]

She is using you as a crutch and if you keep jumping into that role, you are just enabling her to avoid having to learn to e.g. go to the cinema alone, book on to group holidays of age-appropriate peers, etc.

I understand the guilt, I feel it with my own mother as well, who is mostly friendless (although a lot younger than hers), and she has tried to do the same in leaning on my sister and me for holidays, staying over at our places a lot etc but ultimately I had to draw boundaries as she needs to go out and make friends to do these things with instead of expecting her kids to always be available.

Since I started saying no more, she has been on two group holidays and had the most fantastic time, meeting a few people that she has also met up with post-holiday back in the UK.

You have to be "cruel" to be kind sometimes, as her social life needs to become her responsibility. To say that she cannot go to a country because you have already been and won't go with her is ridiculously co-dependent and unfair.

[FellPuck]

*a lot younger than yours

(Although I'm actually wrong about that, she isn't a lot younger than yours at all, only a few years now - how time flies!)

[Seesawmarjorydaw]

My grandparent was widowed in their eighties, the dead grandparent was fabulously anti-social, and never ever had anyone in the house (but would talk to the neighbour through the fence). My surviving grandparent had joined an art class in retirement and knew people but didn’t do much.

sonce being widowed, they joined the u3a and have joined in in all sorts of groups. They’ve even got a group called sociable singles which seems to be an excuse for a good pub lunch once a month. They’re lucky enough to still have their health in their mid nineties but it’s great to see, as they put it, “more social life in the past ten years than in the previous 60”.

[LookAtUsNow]

I'm afraid I don't have any advice OP, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I am in the same situation and it's exhausting. Constantly feeling guilty for having a life and doing things without her. I have a DC who I like to do something with just the two of us (v demanding job so they don't always get the best version of me) but I always feel like I have to/should invite my mother so she doesn't feel left out.

Hoping someone comes along with some pearls of wisdom! for you - I get it.

[merrymelodies]

I'm not yet elderly but my DD still lives at home and we're very close. She has a health condition and tires easily so inevitably we spend much of our time together. I worry that she might feel suffocated and so I insist that she goes out with her friends as much as possible. I'm envious of her social life in a way, wishing I was 22 again 😉 but I'm happy in my own company. I would hate to think she felt guilty about leaving me and resentful because of it.

[thedevilinablackdress]

OP, do you think it's possible that your spending so much time with her means she doesn't have the time or inclination to make new friends?. It's great that she gets out volunteering etc. but if she has you so much for socialising, the incentive is not so great.