Guilt of socialising without DM when I'm her only friend

[NBLarsen]

My mother is alone now. She's elderly, reasonably healthy, certainly able to look after herself, but lives alone and has no close friends. She used to have a friendship group but during lockdown and since, her friends have sadly died. She keeps busy every day with volunteering and hobbies (as all of the advice says!) but has not made any friends through these activities. Which leaves me as her only companion for socialising.

We do a lot together, and I enjoy it so that's not the issue. But I do have friends and a social life, and this is where I have a problem - the guilt from doing anything without her.

Examples,
We go on holiday every year together, we have a trip booked this summer. But I have also just been on a really fun trip with friends. She said how sad she was that she wouldn't get to go to this place now because I've already been and I wouldn't want to go again. She wasn't trying to guilt trip me, she genuinely meant that she was sad, but it left me feeling awful.

I went to the cinema with a friend and enjoyed the film, suggested she should go. But she won't go alone and said she will have to wait until it comes out on TV.

I've been invited to a coronation celebration at a friend's house which I'd like to go to. Mum is sad because that means she'll spend coronation day (a big deal for her) alone, watching by herself on tv, no one to celebrate with.

Whatever I do with someone else, I'm conscious that means she won't get to do it, and it's stopping me enjoying myself.

The answer is not to invite her to join me with my friends, I need to have my own social life. But how do I manage my guilt and her sadness about not getting to do things because I don't want to go on holiday to the same place again/watch a film at the cinema twice/etc.

She has really tried to make new friends and is genuinely sad that she doesn't have any.

Would it be possible for her to move into some sort of sheltered accommodation? I feel for her as obviously she needs friends, but you do too! It sounds as though she would be open to meeting new people. Can you see if there's anything within your local community that she could do?

Sheltered accommodation sounds like a good shout, also can you go on an information diet. Simply don't tell her when you are meeting other friends or going away.

I forgot with my elderly DPs and made the mistake of telling them about a recent weekend away and all I've had is moaning- that must be expensive, it would be nice to be able to go away ( they are possibly too old to travel and DM refuses to go out anymore because of covid) and generally seem jealous of me. I feel sad because they got away a lot when younger and it would be good to have something new to talk about, but hey ho.

You need to live your life OP, you're already doing a lot for her, don't feel guilty about it.

If she's healthy enough to be out and about then she'd isolated by choice. She could go to the cinema alone but chooses not to, you don't have to feel guilt about not taking her when she is capable of taking herself. She could be volunteering at the food bank, out at local craft groups, art groups, reading groups, the WI, chair based exercise, tea dance. The library and any church hall is a good place to start looking for things that run weekly. Life is built from our choices and if she chooses to stay home then she doesn't get to complain about the consequences of that. It's not about being left out or not being included, it's about building the life that you want to live in.

Does she knit, sew, crochet, read? There will be a local group for that although if you're rural you'll be used to the usual definition of "local". She might need support in finding these and maybe help getting through the door for the first time but your life isn't an extension of hers, it doesn't have to be lived for her benefit. You are not responsible for her happiness, as someone has already said, her social life is her responsibility.

This will only escalate massively as she gets older and frailer. I agree with the enmeshment. It doesn't sound like a history of great parenting tbh. And being widowed shouldn't come as a surprise to any of us.
Just see less of her. Her needs towards the end of her life don't trump yours in the prime of yours.

OP,I think you you have to practice not feeling guilty.
I'm sorry for your Mum in that she has lost her friendship group - it's easy to say "so make new friends" but there are always posts on MN with people talking about the difficulties they have with this, and it takes time to replace close friends, if it's possible at all.( I've known my oldest friend for 40+ years)
Your Mum obviously is out there doing things herself,volunteering etc,she has you - I can quite see she may still have some down moments ( because that's life) and I think rather than taking that on as guilt just be sympathetic. Yes,there are activities she would like to do with someone close and now her old friends are gone that's you - and you have your own separate life and are only available for some things.
I'd be trying to support like I would with any of my friends if they were having a hard time in a bit of their life.But you don't have to feel guilty that you can't and don't want to do it all.

Another thing to consider, if you stop socialising with your friends, you'll be in the same position as her when older.

She is trying to guilt trip you
you need to try and let the comments wash over you (very hard to do) or reframe them as not yours to fix
less information as someone else said
you don’t have a child to have someone to socialise with

She could be volunteering at the food bank, out at local craft groups, art groups, reading groups, the WI, chair based exercise, tea dance. The library and any church hall is a good place to start looking for things that run weekly. Life is built from our choices and if she chooses to stay home But she doesn’t choose to stay home! OP says she’s out volunteering and doing hobbies every day

Yes, that crossed my mind too.

Yes, I was thinking that too. (Thought I had quoted you in my previous post, but somehow hadn't).

@MereDintofPandiculation you are quite right, total reading failure on my part.

I'm at a loss then because all my new friends have come from doing things together in groups. It takes a long time to develop when you only see each other for an hour or two a week, it's not like the friendships of youth when you spent all day together. It depends what she's looking at friendship as - someone to go on holiday with and to run you to A&E or someone to chat with when you see them in the street.

There is bound to be a coronation party she could attend. The people who actually want to do something for the coronation are literally that demographic. There are dozens of coronation related activities for the older generation where I live.
Dont let her guilt trip you. There must be a reason why she can’t make friends if she’s attending all these social groups.

Actually the coronation probably has some community events arranged that she could go for. I'd dig out a few and suggest she goes, who knows she may well make some new acquaintances.

Well, first of all you are her daughter so of course you are NOT her friend! Secondly, you are not responsible for your mother's social life. She sounds pretty active so, if she's not willing to do things alone, it's up to her to find her own companions.
If anything, I think you have been way too soft and you need to start putting in some boundaries and living your own life. Also, no need to tell her everything you do!

I wonder if she is waiting for people at her volunteering to ask her to events rather than taking the initiative. She may be nervous of rejection.

I guess it depends what volunteering she's doing, too. I find it's always good to get into the centre of things, take up a role, secretary, treasurer, tea lady - something where people have to come and ask you about things. And hobbies - going to something relatively non-participatory like a language class isn't so good, something active like a discussion groups is better.

As pp have said, her comments sound very like guilt tripping to me.
Can you find out what's happening in her area for the Coronation and suggest she goes along to something?

This is very selfish and unfair of her, I can't imagine ever wanting to guilt trip my children like this, I expect my children to be happier with peers, people of their own age that they have chosen. She ought to realise this but maybe she only has space in her brain for her own needs?
I would just stop telling her anything about my life 🤷
Or make things up👀