Having mother home- I feel guilty.

[speakout]

My 89 year old mother has lived with us for 6 years, but had a stroke 3 weeks ago, she is still in hospital on a stroke ward, it could have been worse, but looks like she has lost a lot of mobility and strength in one leg. The care is great ( NHS), she as daily physio and taken to a specialised "gym" in the hospital. Her mobility is improving, but slowly and she can't yet walk without a frame and staff, needs help to get to the toilet etc.
I am terrified about the next steps. My family is pressuring me to have her home now as soon as possible but I can't sacrifice my life like this. We have narrow winding stairs and could move her into a room with a toilet next door, but am guessing she will still need supervision including during the night. I will be having to cook, bring trays of food, and I feel afraid of the impact this will have on my life.
I work full time from home, and I also care for my adult son who has severe mental health problems, situautions with him can often mean night wakenings for me ( he is at times at risk of suicide).
My OH sister and daughter feel my mother would recuperate faster at home- and that may be true, but I would worry about her safety, I would need to learn how to handle her, how to help her shower and toilet etc.
Interesting to note that those family members urging me to have her home are not the ones offering care.
My sister lives abroad- long haul fight- and last visited home eight years ago. My OH works full time- long hours and travels a lot, so is gone two weeks out of every four. My daughter lives in her flat 40 minutes away but also works full time, and has a part time job too ( which feels more like a paid hobby than work) but nnot a lot of spare time.
I tried to have a conversation with my OH last night about the situation, but after listening to me said " I think you can get special chairs, you would manage somehow" I was just in despair that he wasn't listening to me at all, and took myself off to bed early where I lay crying for an hour.
It all feels so hard, I feel very alone, and guilty for just not wanting to suck it up.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

If you are unable to care for her properly she will have to be transferred to a care home paid for by the state.

The problem with taking an elderly person in to live with you is once they are there it is very hard to find alternatives which are state funded if they deteriorate.

Worth distinguishing between nursing home (nursing care provided) and residential home (support provided, but not medical).

It sounds like it is not enough for OP to say that she won’t provide care, she would have to actually refuse to have her mum home. And the council then asked wouldn’t necessarily look to a state funded nursing or residential home, as they don’t think OP’s mum passes the threshold. They could look to regular or sheltered housing with carer visits.

That’s no good if there aren’t any carers though!

@speakout

"Who would pay for the home?"

OP. There's a host of options in the UK which is why you should talk to an association to find out how it works. No one here can answer that question for you.

If the OP’s mum is assessed as having care needs that cost less to support in the community than a weeks fees in a residential home then the LA will not fund a placement.

As she is currently mobile, able to wash and dress (apart from tights), toilet independently she would not meet the threshold for residential care. The only way this might be possible would be if her cognitive issues meant she required frequent prompting to initiate and complete the task but I suspect they would expect the OP to take on this role.

I’ve also seen patients placed because of disorientation at night (attempting the stairs, falling, attempting to use the kitchen unsafely, violent behaviours).

In regards to the tights, there are dressing aids for tights or pop socks are an option.

“If the OP’s mum is assessed as having care needs that cost less to support in the community than a weeks fees in a residential home then the LA will not fund a placement.”

This.

And agree re pop socks, or maybe trousers/tracksuit bottoms are easier than tights.

Tights are an odd thing to wear at all . Wouldn’t socks be better?

Not-if she prefers wearing skirts.

Many ladies of 89 would not consider joggers to be suitable clothes to church, a day climb or lunch with friends. Many women ( of all ages ) have their own views about what is the right thing to wear and how to have their hair and make up. That’s doesn’t change just because they are what you might consider to be old.

Not being able to wear the clothes you like / do your make up / get your hair done often becomes a barrier to going out, people feel ashamed and embarrassed.

Oops sorry for typos
a day centre not a day climb!

@TUCKINGFYP0 whilst I take your point, if the burden is falling on the OP to dress her mother, or if the LA is assessing care on a needs rather than preferences basis, then the changes may be necessary if OP’s mother is to retain some independence to dress.

Removing control over clothes is an established way in prisons etc to remove a person’s sense of self. It’s a very basic definition of “needs” that doesn’t include the dignity of your choice of clothes.

Care is unsatisfactory in this country on all sorts of levels, but care needs of young adults are deemed to include a social life and interests. The care needs of the elderly are limited to food, washing and occasional toileting. It is deemed perfectly acceptable for an elderly person to spend 24 hours a day in the same room, with a commode for company.

Sorry, that rant has been brewing for a while

Removing control over clothes is an established way in prisons etc to remove a person’s sense of self. It’s a very basic definition of “needs” that doesn’t include the dignity of your choice of clothes

YY to this. If the OP's mother prefers to wear tights it may make life a bit difficult.

It's just taking away more of her autonomy if she is told No, you can't wear them anymore because there is nobody to help you put them on.

The tights issue demonstrates exactly how this is a clash between OPs needs - enough time to carry out her job, not wanting to have to carry out intimate tasks for her DM, ability to maintain her own mental health whilst simultaneously caring for her high needs DS, and her DMs needs - to be treated with dignity, be supported with things she can no longer do and have autonomy over her choices of clothing etc.

OP can only do her best if she is put in that situation. Her mental and physical health is no less important than her DMs.

Agree @rookiemere

the only way that the elderly persons needs can be met is if someone else is willing to sacrifice their needs & wellbeing.
It used to be possible to 'dump' all this on someone and they had no choice, they'd be guilted into it with 'they changed your nappies when you were a baby now you have to do it for them'
But no-one buys that argument anymore, AND there are increasing numbers of elderly people in need of care.

I do think that if a parent has loved and cared for you and done their best for you all their life there is a responsibility to help them when they get older. However the OP has quite enough to deal with as it is and it doesn’t sound like she has the time or energy to cope. Coupled with that the house is not ideal for an elderly person in terms of narrow stairs.
When a parent has been neglectful , even cruel it is hard to find any sympathy when they themselves need care. I think he OP has already done an awful lot for her mother over the last 6 to 8 years. It’s time to think of her own needs.

“I do think that if a parent has loved and cared for you and done their best for you all their life there is a responsibility to help them when they get older.”

Help, perhaps… but that doesn’t mean caring for them personally. OP has other significant caring responsibilities and her DM has been cruel, but even in the happiest of families, most of us now will have jobs and kids of our own and no spare space in our houses or our heads to provide a home and dressing/cooking/cleaning services to our parents and/or PILs for years and years.

a responsibility to help them when they get older
so they start out needing a bit of help when you're in your 60s then as you get older & more tired their needs are rapidly increasing.
In the case of my parents they took early retirement at 55 then lived the life of riley going on holidays, new car every couple of years with no duties or responsibilities to anyone since their parents helpfully dropped dead after short illnesses.

Yes I agree. My own mother is elderly and making increasing demands on me. There is no way I would ever have her to live with me. She was not supportive or loving towards me either so I feel ‘why should I’? I do the bare minimum to be honest. Which makes me feel guilty at times.

I'm glad others have come on to say similar to what I wanted to.
I'm happy to provide practical support to my DPs when they need it ,and my work pattern is set up to support that. This would be in the form of full day weekly visits where I'll do a bit of cleaning or jobs they aren't able to.

I'll also help them to source support - they have the money to pay for cleaners and carers and if the time comes, to find the right care home for them. It will all be self funded so at least the main delays will be staff shortages rather than being unable to get a care package.

I will not be moving them in and nor will I be giving up my job to support them.

My parents are fine btw, still don't want them living with me.

DM had very little hands on care of her DPs as one of the siblings ( male as it happens) lived with them and did that to the detriment of his own ability to live his life and DFs DPs passed away fairly young and were in a different continent anyway so it's not like he would have been caring for them.

“There is no way I would ever have her to live with me. She was not supportive or loving towards me either so I feel ‘why should I’?”

Honestly, @Livingwitheyesclosed , even if she was lovely, you shouldn’t feel guilty about not having her to live with you. It’s very different to parents caring for a child - you know they will grow to more independence as you help them, and you are younger and with more energy then!