Having mother home- I feel guilty.

[speakout]

My 89 year old mother has lived with us for 6 years, but had a stroke 3 weeks ago, she is still in hospital on a stroke ward, it could have been worse, but looks like she has lost a lot of mobility and strength in one leg. The care is great ( NHS), she as daily physio and taken to a specialised "gym" in the hospital. Her mobility is improving, but slowly and she can't yet walk without a frame and staff, needs help to get to the toilet etc.
I am terrified about the next steps. My family is pressuring me to have her home now as soon as possible but I can't sacrifice my life like this. We have narrow winding stairs and could move her into a room with a toilet next door, but am guessing she will still need supervision including during the night. I will be having to cook, bring trays of food, and I feel afraid of the impact this will have on my life.
I work full time from home, and I also care for my adult son who has severe mental health problems, situautions with him can often mean night wakenings for me ( he is at times at risk of suicide).
My OH sister and daughter feel my mother would recuperate faster at home- and that may be true, but I would worry about her safety, I would need to learn how to handle her, how to help her shower and toilet etc.
Interesting to note that those family members urging me to have her home are not the ones offering care.
My sister lives abroad- long haul fight- and last visited home eight years ago. My OH works full time- long hours and travels a lot, so is gone two weeks out of every four. My daughter lives in her flat 40 minutes away but also works full time, and has a part time job too ( which feels more like a paid hobby than work) but nnot a lot of spare time.
I tried to have a conversation with my OH last night about the situation, but after listening to me said " I think you can get special chairs, you would manage somehow" I was just in despair that he wasn't listening to me at all, and took myself off to bed early where I lay crying for an hour.
It all feels so hard, I feel very alone, and guilty for just not wanting to suck it up.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

I’ve asked MN to split off your post and the responses into a separate thread, but I don’t expect they will - they’ll need you to ask them. Please do - you’ll get more and better answers in a new thread. Lots of people read only the original post.

Looking after an elderly person with disabilities isn’t a one person job. Professional carers have daily time off to relax and recuperate, and to sleep. They get holidays. They can stop work if they’re sick. Full time care needs at least four people - 3 8 hour shifts and the 4th so that everyone can have holidays and sick leave. So you are doing the job of 4 people. Do not feel a failure!

But you can’t carry on like this, for your mum’s sake if not your own. She needs a healthy and happy daughter.

when people say “she’s lucky to have you”, what’s in their head is “she’s doing far more than most people would. I certainly couldn’t do what she’s doing”

With respect, the Op’s mum, if asked, will very likely say she wants to return to OP’s house. The very elderly can often become completely blind to the load they are proposing to place on family members.

For the same reason, the OP needs to be present at any interview with e.g. social workers or anyone else doing an assessment. It’s all too common for the elderly person needing care to say they don’t need any help - their daughter will do what’s necessary. And it’s virtually always the daughter, isn’t it?

The OP needs to be absolutely firm in saying that she just doesn’t have the necessary facilities or resources.

@Lachatt please do start your own thread. I'm so keen to respond! You've got a very tough load there and something needs to change.