Having mother home- I feel guilty.

[speakout]

My 89 year old mother has lived with us for 6 years, but had a stroke 3 weeks ago, she is still in hospital on a stroke ward, it could have been worse, but looks like she has lost a lot of mobility and strength in one leg. The care is great ( NHS), she as daily physio and taken to a specialised "gym" in the hospital. Her mobility is improving, but slowly and she can't yet walk without a frame and staff, needs help to get to the toilet etc.
I am terrified about the next steps. My family is pressuring me to have her home now as soon as possible but I can't sacrifice my life like this. We have narrow winding stairs and could move her into a room with a toilet next door, but am guessing she will still need supervision including during the night. I will be having to cook, bring trays of food, and I feel afraid of the impact this will have on my life.
I work full time from home, and I also care for my adult son who has severe mental health problems, situautions with him can often mean night wakenings for me ( he is at times at risk of suicide).
My OH sister and daughter feel my mother would recuperate faster at home- and that may be true, but I would worry about her safety, I would need to learn how to handle her, how to help her shower and toilet etc.
Interesting to note that those family members urging me to have her home are not the ones offering care.
My sister lives abroad- long haul fight- and last visited home eight years ago. My OH works full time- long hours and travels a lot, so is gone two weeks out of every four. My daughter lives in her flat 40 minutes away but also works full time, and has a part time job too ( which feels more like a paid hobby than work) but nnot a lot of spare time.
I tried to have a conversation with my OH last night about the situation, but after listening to me said " I think you can get special chairs, you would manage somehow" I was just in despair that he wasn't listening to me at all, and took myself off to bed early where I lay crying for an hour.
It all feels so hard, I feel very alone, and guilty for just not wanting to suck it up.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

I think you just need to say 'no' and refuse to justify or explain your decisions. I'm so sorry that your family are not listening to you or backing you up. That is really lousy behaviour.

DD and OH are still expecting a full recovery, home and back to normal.
My OHs parents have both passed, he cared for neither of them.
I spoke to the OT at the hospital today and expressed my concerns, although my mother is making great progress with walking she has blood pressure problems when she moves from sitting to standing for instance making her at increased fall risk. They are investigating that at the moment, but if that is an ongoing issue it may mean that she needs a wheelchair for outings etc. She may be safe at home in a comfy chair but it could become isolating, and I can't be there 24/7 to keep her safe at home.
I don't feel heard.
I am having some chamomile tea and an early night, issues with my son too today and I feel worn thin.

OP

Go on a week's holiday by yourself. Send your oh a text saying his pressuring you has driven you to this, then turn your phone off completely for the week.

The business will survive. Everyone will. But they may get the message.

Good thinking. If they all want your mother home they need to work part time and share the kid equally. Two days each full time. The remaining day perhaps you’re all on different tasks together . I’m being serious. Also the person ‘on duty’ has to care for your son at the same time and do housework. I’m guessing all this pressure will stop once you state your terms.

Load not kid! Also, it really isn’t in your mothers interests to be stuck in your house all day with no company or activities.

OP I should say that I am speaking from experience- my dad had dementia my mum was looking after him fine in their bungalow but after a fall it was just impossible- he ended up in a lovely care home amd was much better cared for there than we would have been able to to - once mobility goes often 2 people are needed for a lot of thing. Your mum sounds like the kind of person that would enjoy the kind of busy care home my dad was in.

They all see you as the soft touch of the family, none of them are willing to tolerate the stress and inconvenience of this but they all think they can make you do it.
You must put yourself first and say NO!
don't explain don't apologize just say NO!

Just keep calmly saying No. You can't and won't do it. It's in not in your mum's best interest either.

Anyone who has a problem with that can offer to have her live with them. if your DH says fine, he will, tell him you will be moving out.

I feel that I am drowning in this situation.
No one is helping me fight my corner.
My daughter is already talking to my mother about coming home and how exciting it will be.
I have no fight left, I am tired.
I woke up crying this morning, feeling it will just be easier to give in.

I am in my 60s maybe it is unrealistic to expect much more for my future.
Just do as I am asked, take care of my mother and quit moaning.
My OH isn't speaking to me because he thinks I am being a drama queen, my daughter becomes upset if I gently try to introduce the idea of a facility or residential home, she thinks I am beyond callous for suggesting it.
My eyes are puffy and red from crying, tears seem to be constantly falling, my head is pounding.
This is too difficult, too complicated, I have no one in real life who can see my point of view.
I feel heartbroken to think of the next few years.

OP,

Sending massive hugs. I have been through this with my lovely dad who has Alzheimers and it nearly killed me.

The biggest support I received was not from family or friends but UK | Carers UK

The knowledge and experience of the people on the forum was outstanding. Please try raising a post there and reading through similar posts, they may be able to suggest a solution, or help with forcing an outcome.

💐

OP tell them no. You're not doing it. Stop trying to get them to think like you or have your corner. Just say it's not happening and if they bring it up again you'll see about fucking off and leave them to it. Shout if you have too.

If you don't pull up the drawbridge you'll be doing the shit work the rest of your life.

You HAVE NO SPOONS for any more work. Have the row.

TerfIngOnTheBeach thanks, I will have a look at the site.

speakout I am a bit thrown by your DD who is normally very bright, I thought?
Let's break it down

What does your mum think? What can she do for herself in terms of tasks?

I know the hospital will happily discharge to anyone who is willing. Have you made it clear to them that you can't do it and if so, how did they respond?

You obviously might not want to answer this, but as your mum has no funds, can you (or anyone putting pressure on you) help pay for care?

How does anyone think you will keep working and caring? Is your DD willing to give up work and be gran's carer? If not, ask her why her she expects you to do that?

Is your OH usually useless? I'm just trying to work out if he can made to see sense. Who is the owner of the house btw?

Have you asked them what happens if you fall ill? Obviously I hope you don't but even a bout of real flu would knock you out as a carer. You might recall I had pneumonia last year - my sister had to help mum for a month and mum is mobile. You cannot have a stroke patient relying on one carer.

is there anywhere you can stay for a few days? I think it would be as well to get away from them. What part of no don't they understand?

I’m so sorry you are in this situation Op . But I’d urge you to STOP discussing this with your partner, sister and DD. You don’t need to persuade them , it’s your decision, they don’t control you .

Tell them you are not discussing it anymore, it’s to upsetting .

Tell the hospital and other staff that your mother can’t come home because you are unable to care for her . If your sister wants to move back to the area and take your mother to her home then of course she can contact the hospital to offer that .

Oh OP I am so sorry - I urge you to try and talk to the discharge people/your mums doctor about what is realistic-

It is not your daughter's decision to make.
Keep saying NO.
Move out for a bit, if you have to.
You are NOT responsible for your mother.

I mean this kindly but your mum only had a stroke 3 weeks ago. Stroke recovery is very different from a broken leg or something. It sounds like she is still making gains in the hospital and they aren't talking about discharge yet. I would just wait and give it time. By the time your mum is discharged her abilities may be very different from what they are now. Speak with the physios and OT's, they can advise you on her progress and 'rehab potential' but it sounds like she is doing well. Another thing to remember is if your mum has capacity, and it's her home in anyway, the expectation is she will go home if that is what she wants. You are entitled to say you cannot help. Carers can be arranged if needed. Do not buy anything, especially chairs etc. Wait and see what the OT says she will need and what can be funded. If it's not her house in anyway I guess you can then refuse to have her home.

I do realise that I need to stop discussing this with my family, I guess the hospital was talking about everyone's needs in the family, and so I thought they should be involved.
I can clearly see they won't support me.
Yes my DD is bright, but also sentimental and adores her gran.
My mother has had some cognitive decline brought about by her stroke, and my DD is keeping her spirits up by talking about being home again, watching the birds in the garden, sitting in her comfy chair, nice home cooked meals.
I don't think my considerations have entered my mothers head.
My OH and I own our home, we have a small amount life savings, but that would be quickly depleted if we had to pay for my mother's care home. No other money is available.

tell your daughter and your partner that they are welcome to move in with her and be her carer

My OH isn't speaking to me because he thinks I am being a drama queen
well he can fuck right off, who does he think he is, he cant tell you what to you with your parent, how to feel etc.
C'mon @speakout woman up, you can do it!

Hi OP,
I'm sad for you reading your messages - you sound so wrung out.

I think you should ring or text your daughter "Hi LittleSpeakout - I have been thinking and I think when Granny is well enough to leave hospital she should be discharged and come and live with you. You are young and strong and have the energy to juggle care and disturbed nights alongside work. I'm 30 years older than you and with your brother to care for as well as work I can't do it anymore. (If your daughter doesn't have a spare room) I'm sure Granny could claim some housing benefit/contribute from her pension so you can rent somewhere bigger. Have a think and let me know your thoughts"

I have no doubt your daughter will be completely horrified at the idea that she could work and care for her Gran but it might make her think for even one moment about what it actually means to be a carer beyond watching birds through the window.

How tired and wrung out you sound makes me think you might have already had too much on your plate and too little help before the stroke.

It might boil down to something like this.

OP, your family are being naïve at best and downright ignorant, stubborn, nasty and unsupportive at worst.

I agree that it is interesting that all of those spouting forth about what should be done and even discussing it with your mother are not the ones who would be prevailed upon to do it!! Hmmmm!! I think some people think that it will be no harder than looking after a baby and seem unable to think further than that. It is far from the case as I know from when my Dad was unsafely discharged from hospital. It was traumatic to say the least.

Hold firm and stick to your guns. If your family start criticising you tell them to bugger off or give up work and do it all themselves. You really do have enough on your plate.

I think item 1 is to tell your mum you can't look after her. There will probably tears and accusations of leaving her to "rot" in a care home.

Item 2 is to tell the hospital they can't discuss care with anyone apart from you. Your OH is not home much and your DD doesn't live there.

Item 3 - what's happening about domestics at the moment, so how does cooking, cleaning, laundry work? The reason I ask is you must stop doing this for anyone but you. Really if they think your mum's care is your responsibility, they should be running the household now. I'm just curious to know if they really get what running a home entails.

Item 4 - If there is no loo on your mum's floor, it's a case of getting a stairlift, is that feasible? Do you want that? If it's not feasible, that helps. That would mean she needs a commode.... Then you can say to OH and DD "who is getting mum on to the commode several times a day and night?"

Item 5 - I spoke to carer agencies who wouldn't accompany my father up and down stairs. If they won't do it, why should you take the risk alone?

Item 6 - Do you have Adult Social Care there and have you spoken to them?

if you want, I can edit, copy and paste these as direct questions which you can send your DD and OH by phone. Seeing a list of the top line absolute basics might help get their brains in gear.

Thanks everyone- the information has been very useful.
It's been a hard few days lots of phone calls, visits to the hospital, I am also trying to limit financial damage to my son as he has been sending all his benefits to "friends" abroad, and is in debt to the bank. I have been having meetings with them to limit any more losses he can't afford.

Winter "I think you should ring or text your daughter "Hi LittleSpeakout - I have been thinking and I think when Granny is well enough to leave hospital she should be discharged and come and live with you. You are young and strong and have the energy to juggle care and disturbed nights alongside work. I'm 30 years older than you and with your brother to care for as well as work I can't do it anymore. (If your daughter doesn't have a spare room) I'm sure Granny could claim some housing benefit/contribute from her pension so you can rent somewhere bigger. Have a think and let me know your thoughts"

this is an excellent idea. What does your son think, by the way?