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Elderly parents

Small rant about lpa and sibling

31 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 19/04/2023 23:07

Just ranting into the void. Asked my sibling to look at lpa forms last month, two weeks ago and last week. The realisation I'm on my own if I go ahead with it is hitting me. My sibling head isn't in this so I'm.hoping I can add them but not have to keep relaying info to them. It looks like my parent will refuse any treatment to extend their quality of life. Sibling is in total denial. They haven't read parents medical letters either. I know that's siblings choice but I do feel hacked off that I'm dyslexic and useless at forms and on my own with it all. My sibling isn't going to any help going forward are they? I absolutely spelt out that I needed help with it and it's always on the to do list.

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moonspiral · 20/04/2023 07:11

It needs to be sorted while your parents are able to do so.

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SheilaFentiman · 20/04/2023 07:13

LPAs are taking around 20 weeks to register at the moment. Is your parent in the terminal stages?

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IncessantNameChanger · 20/04/2023 08:03

No not terminal. But they have a condition that will result in dementia if left untreated. I know I need to crack on but my dyslexia holds me back as I could make mistakes. I'm going to contact their gp today and start the lpa on my own. I'm going to add my sibling but they won't be making any desisions. They can't even read their Dr letters so how can they make desisions based on their misunderstanding and false presumptions? Mum has told them she is fine and they are happy she is fine. Sent on letters saying she isn't fine, sibling to busy to read them

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MichelleScarn · 20/04/2023 08:05

I'm going to contact their gp today and start the lpa on my own. I'm going to add my sibling but they won't be making any desisions.

you can't add the sibling without their permission. And why would you add them if you don't want them to be allowed to be making any decisions? (That's if I've interpreted your post correctly?)

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SheilaFentiman · 20/04/2023 08:23

It is your parent who specifies their attorney(s) - you can be the only one, it’s not obligatory to have more. Your sibling would need to agree to be one, you can’t just write them down.

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LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 20/04/2023 08:41

Can you afford help to do the LPAs - a solicitor? Or your local Age UK or Age Concern might help you? they are fiddly.

If you sibling isn’t going to engage then having them as LPA will be a hinderance. Get it done asap with just you.

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IncessantNameChanger · 20/04/2023 08:59

I can't really offord a solicitor to do it. In the ideal world my sibling would be fully engaged and help me as 1 they don't have learning difficulties so less likely to FU the form. 2 works in finance! Sibling has said yes lpa is a good ide, yes wants to do it but when? Doesn't seem to belive me that mum has degenerative brain condition or doesn't care. No amount of sitting down to talk or texting is getting them to read things.

I want my sibling doing this with me. What I dont want is them being disengaged but then speaking out when mums made her desisions. Mum is talking about refusing a test, won't talk either about consequences of not having tests which suggests to me she doesn't want to know, let nature take its course. So example if mum was deep in dementia and refusing to eat I would say not to force food. What if then my sibling wakes up and decides yes tube feed mum? Sibling is happy in denial. I don't get that luxury. It's not even like sibling trusts me to do a better or good job.

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SheilaFentiman · 20/04/2023 09:05

Will your mum actually sign the form?

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EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 09:10

Hi again OP

re the financial LPA it will be easier if it’s just you.

re health and welfare, we have it but we dithered a bit because mum felt it would be better for us if the medics made the decisions. Then we realised they might push her to stay alive with no quality of life, so now we have it.

but if you’d rather medics made decisions, then maybe don’t worry about the health and welfare one?

if it’s any consolation, this isn’t necessarily easier with an active sibling. You might not agree.

ultimately, it’s a bloody awful responsibility to have.

Imguessing you’d like a hug so offering one xx

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MereDintofPandiculation · 20/04/2023 09:10

It sounds as if sibling hasn’t understood that you can’t start thinking about LPA when mum has begun losing competence if you haven’t already laid the groundwork by doing the paperwork and getting it registered by OPG.

Which? magazine runs a “check your LPA” service for about £100 per LPA - cheaper than solicitor.

You could choose sibling and you to act “jointly and severally” - but that enables them to take a decision on their own that you don’t agree with; jointly- but you’ll have to get their signature on everything no matter how trivial; or you could set them up as replacement attorney if you couldn’t act. All of these require her signature on the forms

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EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 09:15

Mere “but you’ll have to get their signature on everything no matter how trivial; “

that seems to be a common misunderstanding

I have done finance stuff for mum without my sister needing to sign anything. We have joint and severally. I find it odd but you can act alone or together.

OP didn’t you say your DH was helping with the form?

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mrsbyers · 20/04/2023 09:18

The guidance on how to complete the form is all on Gov website so really no need to pay a solicitor , the tricky part is the order of signing but again this is all explained - I hope you manage to get it in place

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SophiaSW1 · 20/04/2023 09:21

It's up to your mum who she wants as attorneys (subject to them agreeing to act as one). What has she said about it?

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IncessantNameChanger · 20/04/2023 11:14

SophiaSW1 · 20/04/2023 09:21

It's up to your mum who she wants as attorneys (subject to them agreeing to act as one). What has she said about it?

Mum has agreed to it. She might change her mind when it comes to signing. I asked sibling to talk about with mum too. Sibling agreed to but never did. However if mum does refuse to sign it or changes her mind then that's where I will leave it. My sibling could try to then talk to mum but in my mind I'd have done all I could to help. Mum is also in denial but I dint have the mental energy or capacity if she's not on board that her life is changing. I have 4 kids, two go to sen schools so I'm happy to offer help where it's needed or wanted. Absolutely not martyring myself for any adult while they have capacity to choose badly. That's absolutely mums right to ignore medical letters and refuse treatment but I can't watch without trying to help her first.

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SheilaFentiman · 20/04/2023 12:46

The health LPA has a section where the person can put their wishes about end of life care (eg make comfortable rather than feeding tubes or whatever)

I think you have to give up on your sibling taking part, sadly.

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IncessantNameChanger · 20/04/2023 13:21

Phoned the gp and hospital. Gp was helpful and cleared a lot of things up. Gave me the hospital Drs number which I also phoned. Mum has put sibling as NOK so sibling can either 1) add me as additional NOK or 2) ask all if these questions directly themselves. Let's see what happens in the next week on that front. It might inform my next desision tbh.
I'm going to also write to mum. Give her the gp letter yo give permission to talk to me and another to hand to hospital asking to add me as NOK. Again, mum's actions will influence my desisions.
If sibling does nothing and mum does nothing then I can't do anymore. Can they work me on this step? If not then there's no chance of more sharing the load. Frustrating. Which maybe is a sign to let it go

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EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 19:22

I think you might need to let it go

the main concern we had was paying bills if mum became incapacitated

is that an issue for you? Mum hardly spends anything but just her standard utilities would have been an issue if we had no access to her bank. Also, there's an urgent building repair to her home now - neglect, wear and tear, stuff we asked her to fix ages ago, so has become very costly. If that sort of thing crops up when someone doesn't have capacity, money is needed to cover it.

interesting that she put your sibling as NOK.

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IncessantNameChanger · 21/04/2023 00:06

Yes it was interesting that sibling is as good as no contact but Nok. They are the eldest, child free and vastly more intelligent than me which I think are all factors.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 21/04/2023 10:25

EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 09:15

Mere “but you’ll have to get their signature on everything no matter how trivial; “

that seems to be a common misunderstanding

I have done finance stuff for mum without my sister needing to sign anything. We have joint and severally. I find it odd but you can act alone or together.

OP didn’t you say your DH was helping with the form?

I think you misunderstood what I said. You have “jointly and severally” which is why you can deal with things yourself. I was talking about “jointly”

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MereDintofPandiculation · 21/04/2023 10:30

@EmmaEmerald This is what I actually said “You could choose sibling and you to act “jointly and severally” - but that enables them to take a decision on their own that you don’t agree with; jointly- but you’ll have to get their signature on everything no matter how trivial.

You are saying that my conception of “jointly” is wrong on the basis of your experience of “jointly and severally”

If you could act individually under “jointly” there would be mo requirement for “jointly and severally”

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MereDintofPandiculation · 21/04/2023 10:34

We have joint and severally. I find it odd but you can act alone or together. That’s what “jointly and severally” means - you can act alone, “severally”, or you can act together “jointly”. If you have “jointly” on the form, rather than “jointly and severally”, you can only act jointly. You can’t act severally.

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IncessantNameChanger · 21/04/2023 17:14

I filled the form out with a friend. I just have to check some things with my mum then I'm going to print the form and then sibling can sign it. There's no way I'm doing jointly. I fill out the form without help then it can be on my terms. If they wont to do it differently or want us to work together then they have to step up now. There has been zero support and zero reading of medical letters and quite honestly having my friend fill in the form because my sibling wouldn't has disappointed me.
People are alway saying that you need to ask for help, strange however when I ask repeatedly from my immediate family to help me help our mother they are too busy. Its not just that they areng interested or too busy to help mum but its me too, For over a month! I'm also waiting on them to phone up about getting me added as nok but I have a plan to bypass them with that too. I won't be asking for more help or opinions anytime soon. We used to be so close too

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Daffidale · 22/04/2023 17:03

I’m really glad you found someone to help with the forms. I’ve read some of your other posts and it sounds a really hard situation.

There’s only so much help us randoms on the internet can give you. I’ve found both Age UK and Dementia UK helplines really helpful in the past with sorting out my Mum’s care.

Age UK advice line
678 1602 0800 678 1602 ( 8am–7pm) . they are great for practical stuff as well as emotional support for you as a carer

As cognitive decline is a big part of the issues with your Mum I really recommend the Dementia UK Admiral Nurses helpline. As they are trained nurses they can give more help around the medical and care needs side of things.

Dementia UK
Telephone: 0800 888 6678
Monday to Friday 9am-9pm
Saturday, Sunday & Bank Holidays 9am-5pm

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TheSilveryPussycat · 22/04/2023 17:10

While she still has mental capacity, your DM can also make an Advance Decision, in which she specifies the circumstances in which she wants medical intervention to be withheld.

Living will (advance decision) – Compassion in Dying

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IncessantNameChanger · 22/04/2023 22:53

Thanks. I have had a mental health crisis over this. Spelt very clearly to sister and husband that I could not do the lpa on my own as I'm dyslexic. Husband fobs me off with yes let's, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

Sister has a cough, a meeting etc. She is super busy, so important. I have four kids. Three of them have ehcps but of course I'm not busy. I make up that I struggle to read because I'm a snowflake.

Sister added me as nok and told me to phone Monday! Why couldn't she ask while on the phone? Because she doesn't care about mum and she doesn't care about me that's why.

I'm doing the lpa, I'm not discussing it further with anyone. My sister can sign it or not.

If anything ever happens to my dhs family he can go to hell. It's made me hate him. Seeing me worrying over my mum's health, seeing my sister not helping then saying he would help but equally doing nothing. And this is just the first step. It's clear I'm on my own with it. I'm already a registered carer for my son

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