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Elderly parents

Not wanting MIL to stay?

47 replies

AlmostThere23 · 29/03/2023 16:26

AIBU? FIL passed away and DH told his DM that she could stay with us as long as she wished. I understand the sentiment behind it but in reality, it’s just not practical. We both WFH, kids and a dog at home. MIL and I get on ok but I cannot live with her. Not for any unkind reason, I really couldn’t have anyone else living in my home. I need my space and peace and quiet which I can’t get with someone else living in my home. For my own well being I NEED quiet downtime when the kids are at school. I also feel like I can’t relax with someone else constantly in my home.

How have others dealt with this issue? As it cannot turn in to a long term thing, which I fear will happen.

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thesockfairydidit · 29/03/2023 16:28

im sorry for the loss of your FIL, a big adjustment. Can your DH stay with MIL temporarily until she is a bit more settled on her own. Moving in with you sounds like it could be too much for everyone, probably her too.

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AlmostThere23 · 29/03/2023 16:36

thesockfairydidit · 29/03/2023 16:28

im sorry for the loss of your FIL, a big adjustment. Can your DH stay with MIL temporarily until she is a bit more settled on her own. Moving in with you sounds like it could be too much for everyone, probably her too.

I do think that we should try to settle her back to her own home sooner rather than later as I think prolonging it only makes it harder. However, DH is set up to WFH here and can’t be accommodated at MILs. He could maybe stay a few nights a week to help her settle and come back in the morning.

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thesockfairydidit · 29/03/2023 16:44

That could be a good option, a few nights a week to help help her find her feet, get a routine but with also support there, she may not want it either…. What does she want?

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Westfacing · 29/03/2023 16:48

How old and fit is MIL, and has she expressed any wish to stay with you and your DH?

She might well be as reluctant to stay with you, as you are to have her!

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RubyRoss · 29/03/2023 16:51

It sounds a bit mean. Your husband wants to support his mother through a really difficult time and you're talking about needing your own space. If my partner responded that way I'd understand his honesty but I'd be very very disappointed and wouldn't forget it.

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SleepingisanArt · 29/03/2023 16:54

When my mum passed away I took a week off and stayed with my dad as he wanted to be in 'their house'. After that we went to visit every couple of months (he is 5 hours away) and he came here a few times. He prefers to be there, surrounded by his things and able to do what he wants when he feels like doing it.

Maybe your husband should take some time off to be with his mum at her house. Then you can see how it goes for regular visits etc.

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MissLucyLiu · 29/03/2023 16:57

if my husband even remotely thinks it is not fine for my mother to stay with me after such an traumatic event I’ll divorce him right away

this is a non negotiable for me

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EL8888 · 29/03/2023 16:58

Did your DH discuss the offer to her or did he just say it? Either way it all sounds a bit much to me. She might have visited in the past but everyday life can be quite busy and like you l need my space. There is also that worry that once that doors open that she might want or think it’s a permanent arrangement

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Rollerpiggy · 29/03/2023 16:59

i think she should be in her own home and your dh should up his visits to her to help
her settle back. I would t want to start the whole living with you routine, just in case she takes him up on his offer and doesn’t want to leave.

you are not unreasonable OP and you are not being mean. Caring and loving someone doesn’t mean you have to move them in to your already over burdened house and schedule .

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TomatoSandwiches · 29/03/2023 17:03

Your DH can go stay at his mothers.
It is your house/home, he should have talked to you first, other people are saying they would be disappointed with you for not agreeing but I'd be really pissed off at having this thrust upon me without prior agreement and I wouldn't forget it either.

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cptartapp · 29/03/2023 17:12

Did DH discuss this with you first? If not I'd be very disappointed in him and not be able to forget it.
Do you work?
Who'll be key 'entertainer', feeder, launderer?
I wouldn't do it btw. And if she's a decent MIL she wouldn't impose herself on you indefinitely in this way anyway.

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OnaBegonia · 29/03/2023 17:13

It's dependent on how recently the bereavement was and if MIL is aware it's not long term, if she's fit and able she will need to adjust to life on her own, if she's frail
perhaps other plans need to be considered; downsizing/ sheltered living.

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SavBlancTonight · 29/03/2023 17:17

What sort of timeline are we talking? Did FIL die two weeks ago or was it 2 years ago? How long has she been staying so far?

I think if both your DH and your MIL felt that this was the best immediately after FIL died, you need to suck it up - a few weeks after a major bereavement isn't that big deal. If it's been dragging on for months, then it might be time to talk with your DH about how to handle this and how to start getting her back into her own home.

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HeddaGarbled · 29/03/2023 17:20

I think you’re saying that she can stay for a while in the immediate aftermath of her bereavement but not long term. Is that right? If so, I think that’s a reasonable stance.

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maranella · 29/03/2023 17:22

Your DH has been very unreasonable to make this offer without consulting you. It's your home as much as it's his home and I'd be furious if my DH told another person they could stay in our home for as long as they liked without discussing it. So no, YANBU and having made this offer your DH needs to rescind it as kindly as he can and agree some other solution with her. Him staying over at hers for a few nights is a good suggestion. I don't see how it's useful really to take her out of her home anyway - it will just make her fearful and sad about returning so create a problem where there wasn't one.

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Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2023 17:24

How long has she been there? That's a huge missing piece of information.

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InSpainTheRain · 29/03/2023 17:29

Please don't do everything and let DH off the hook - otherwise it's too easy for him to keep the arrangement with MIL. Make sure that if you WFH you have your own space to work from away from the family - if he has to give up his space then ask for it. Who does the washing, the cooking, and other "looking after MIL" jobs - I don't mean be harsh but the more you take on the more he will let you. Consider if you need to push back on him. Perhaps he needs to be the one to change MILs bed if she can't do it herself, he needs to take more of a turn cooking etc. You don't mention this in your post but I advise doing everything yourself and resenting it later when you have all the jobs and he notices zero difference.

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AlmostThere23 · 29/03/2023 17:29

EL8888 · 29/03/2023 16:58

Did your DH discuss the offer to her or did he just say it? Either way it all sounds a bit much to me. She might have visited in the past but everyday life can be quite busy and like you l need my space. There is also that worry that once that doors open that she might want or think it’s a permanent arrangement

He told her she could and she has been here since. She seems to want to stay here, although I’m hoping that she does not want this to be a permanent arrangement as it is not feasible.

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AlmostThere23 · 29/03/2023 17:30

HeddaGarbled · 29/03/2023 17:20

I think you’re saying that she can stay for a while in the immediate aftermath of her bereavement but not long term. Is that right? If so, I think that’s a reasonable stance.

Exactly this, she’s stayed here before when he’s been in hospital. I get on with her but I do not want to have it be a permanent arrangement.

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Soontobemumof2x · 29/03/2023 17:31

OP, what does your MIL want? That’s the important question.

Best way to handle this is to have an open an honest conversation with your DH and he has to tell his DM it cannot be long term!

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CandyLeBonBon · 29/03/2023 17:32

How king had she been with you so far op?

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CandyLeBonBon · 29/03/2023 17:33

Long not king

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AlmostThere23 · 29/03/2023 17:33

RubyRoss · 29/03/2023 16:51

It sounds a bit mean. Your husband wants to support his mother through a really difficult time and you're talking about needing your own space. If my partner responded that way I'd understand his honesty but I'd be very very disappointed and wouldn't forget it.

I don’t think it’s mean not to want it to become a permanent arrangement. She lives 5 minutes away from us, sees us regularly under normal circumstances. It’s not that she’s hours away and will have no support. I’ve no problem with her staying short term just to get over the initial shock but longer term it wouldn’t work.

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ozoruk1 · 29/03/2023 17:33

I think your DH was a bit high handed to do this - what does he want? Is he moving her in by stealth? Sorry as this must be a tricky time to confront him whilst he is dealing with his fathers death 😢

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Paloma66 · 29/03/2023 17:35

You still haven't said how long she has been there. It makes a huge difference. When did your FIL die?

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