Not wanting MIL to stay?

[AlmostThere23]

AIBU? FIL passed away and DH told his DM that she could stay with us as long as she wished. I understand the sentiment behind it but in reality, it’s just not practical. We both WFH, kids and a dog at home. MIL and I get on ok but I cannot live with her. Not for any unkind reason, I really couldn’t have anyone else living in my home. I need my space and peace and quiet which I can’t get with someone else living in my home. For my own well being I NEED quiet downtime when the kids are at school. I also feel like I can’t relax with someone else constantly in my home.

How have others dealt with this issue? As it cannot turn in to a long term thing, which I fear will happen.

Do you have a large house?

We have a very small house. It would not be possible to have anyone at all staying with us.

Unless they'd be happy with an air bed on the kitchen floor.

Does everyone else have large houses?

Did he ask you before offering a stay?
How long has she been there alread?
Does you husband expect and want her to stay?

Thanks everyone for your replies, I started trying to respond individually but losing track.

This is a fairly recent arrangement - almost 1.5 months, MIL seems happy to stay at present. Just going by her personality I don’t think she would mind it becoming permanent. She is a nice person, we get on fairly well but it’s just not practical long term.

House wise I currently WFH downstairs which was fine as the kids are out at school but not feasible with a third person pottering around. MIL is staying in our box spare room, which I had been getting sorted to allow me to WFH there but isn’t possible with someone else living in the room and no other available space upstairs to accommodate a desk etc.

DH means well, but I think you’re all right in that we need to have a conversation and discuss steps for MIL to transition back. She’s well about herself so able to live alone, DH can stay if needed to help resettle and we see her a few times a week anyway as she lives very close.

I know some people feel that I’m being selfish but to be a functioning wife/mother I do need to also prioritise my own health and I know that I’m not able to do that in the current situation.

A month and a half?! And she lives just five minutes away? FFS, you need to have a very serious talk with your husband. This is untenable.

I initially thought that you were being harsh but given it's been about 6 weeks and she only lives 5 minutes away then I think your DH needs to have the conversation with her about moving home. As it's so close he could stay a few nights in the early days if needed and then come home in the morning to work. Or pop over during the day.

A month and a half is past long enough, start making sounds about moving her back after Easter so you can start up sorting the box room into an office again, infact get some new furniture/desks paint etc so your husband knows you mean business.

How mean spirited.

To be honest, I find it abhorrent in this country that we just give up on our family as soon as we move out of home.

Could you not all sell up and live in a multi generational household together?

It’s not mean spirited and she’s definitely not given up on her family. What absolutely ridiculous and rude response!

her MIL is a functioning adult who can clearly look after herself. Are we supposed to give up our whole lives when someone passes? No! We help them transition and adapt to their new life, offer support, love and guidance and we all move on with our lives.

Obviously not since op doesn't want to live with her MIL.
Not wanting to live with someone is perfectly acceptable.

6 weeks? and she's just 5 mins away, time for her to go home!
What age is she?

How dramatic. 🙄

You make it sound like the op is making her mother-in-law homeless. It is not mean spirited to not want you mother-in-law living in your home.

The longer she stays the harder it will be for her to return home and get on with her own new life.
She needs to start this process now, evenings are getting lighter and spring is on its way- a time for new beginnings.
Your DH can visit her in her own home after work to settle her in and then gradually lesson the contact so she is used to being on her own.

If she's 5 minutes away, can you move into MIL's house while she's staying with you and leave your husband to care for her and wrangle the kids? Tell them you're afraid it's a security risk leaving it empty.

You need to sort this asap, you are on the brink of having a permanent housemate. You are not being selfish, speak up.

She's been with you for a month and half, if things don't change soon it will become permanent by stealth.

She only lives 5 minutes away, she needs to move back home, start rebuilding her life as a widow rather than one half of a marriage and you need some of your own space back.

Your DH can easily visit her every day with her living so close, there's no need for her to be living with you.

I say all of this as a widow, it's a horrific period, truly hideous, however grief never leaves, it is with you forever, there is no "good time" for her to leave.

But If your MIL doesn't start making her own life from her own home soon, she will be with you forever.

I agree with pp , it’s not at all mean for her to transition back to her own home. Perhaps over the weekend MIL & DH could sleep at her home, and spend meal times/ family time at yours and then get into a few days, where DH sleeps at MIL but she stays home, perhaps comes to your for dinner a couple of times?

I tried to be very supportive when my MIL lost FI , and for my own mum, but this would be too much.

Is her house insurance still valid - many policies don't allow the house to be unoccupied for more than 30 days? That might be a good way of starting a conversation about her moving back. You can't carry on as you are doing.

without wanting to cast aspersions on your DH, I find it interesting that he's happy for his mother to stay with you indefinitely.... but he is not the one being inconvenienced. he has a lovely upstairs, private place to work so he's not disturbed by her pottering around nor is he forced to work in a different room to his preference because she's sleeping in his office.

I have a lot of sympathy in these situations for the bereaved person but I think your DH is taking the piss and expecting YOU to take on all the hardship. Is he at least stepping up in other ways - taking on the extra cooking/cleaning/entertaining tasks?

MIL has asked Dh if we would consider letting her move in with us. There's a whole conversation going on about how that would work, and a big part of it is how I can maintain my privacy and independence if she's int he house ALL THE TIME. DH totally gets it.

It's more abhorrent to foist yourself on your busy family with their jobs and own families and opportunities in the prime of their life.

That she lives so close is perfect, she can move back and visit/be visited lots.

Your DH could always move his set up to her place temporarily too

If she’s five minutes away I don’t see the problem with her going back. I could understand a bit more if she lived 5 hours away but 5 minutes away means your DH could pop in a few times a day if he wanted. Or she could come for dinner a couple of times a week. Your DH could work from hers to keep her company.

Your MIL must be devastated, a lifetime with someone is a big thing and to lose a person who’s been with you for most of your life must be excruciating. But at some point she has to start re-building her life.

She could move back and DH could go round and take lunch breaks with her if she is only 5 minutes away,
The longer she stays the more comfortable she will get there and the harder it will be to move back. There is always going to be a first night alone. You cant put that off for the rest of her life.