Elderly parents
Deep sense of resentment
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:05
Hi,
It's my first time posting and I'm not exactly sure what I'm after. A little understanding or a way to make myself feel better. Like many on this thread, I feel I am at breaking point. Or a little way past that.
I care for my DM who is 74, blind and broke her hip 8 months ago. Her sight loss has caused her to break almost every bone in her body at some point. Her previous frequent and excessive alcohol consumption did not help with mobility either.
I came to stay with DM 8 months ago and the original plan was to share care with my sister. One week on, one week off. But as DSis kept putting her week off, I just sort of stuck around. Things were going ok for me and my Mum. I cook, clean, do the washing and shopping, decorating, DIY all the admin etc. No personal care yet which makes things easier. But it feels like a lot as there is still so much stuff to sort through after she downsized following the death of her partner.
I was working but failing at that - ended up miserable and with the cost of living crisis, decided to abandon failing job, move in with my Mum permanently and rent out my house. It's a small income, around £600 per month but it meant I don't have to pay bills so - I'm surviving.
So, things were going ok but my main issue is that I have very little support from my sister and my relationship with my Mum is becoming increasingly strained as a result. Sister works full time (very well paid job with some status) and moved near to my Mum 2 years ago, ironically so she could offer more support. In those 2 years DM has been inside her house on 2 occasions. Once was Xmas and DSis tried everything possible to get out of that. DSis visits her approx once a month, never takes her out unless I ask her to. Even then I think there have been 3 meals and 1 trip to theatre in 2 years.
DSis refused to visit when we were both ill with chest infections as she didn't want to catch anything. That was hard. Both emotionally and physically.
I told DSis I was thinking of going to a friend's next Xmas as I felt unappreciated by DM and my son. (DM and son never buy me a present, no help cooking Xmas dinner from DS, and I feel like a servant) DSis refuses to have DM over for Xmas dinner next year.
When my car broke down, DSis suggested I just walk to the supermarket (30 mins walk away). No offer of a lift or picking stuff up.
DSis OH thinks DM is too dependent and wants her to get cleaners/meals on wheels etc which my DM doesn't want.
When I ask DSis directly for support, I am made aware of how inconvenient this is for her and how she needs to put her OH first. OH and DM do not get on.
To make matters worse, I'm visiting my Uncle twice a week as he is EOL and being supported at home by DF and other family. Emotionally, it is hard but made worse by DSis now complaining that by taking on care responsibilities, I am excluding her and making her feel bad. Big heated argument followed.
I am so tired and exhausted. My own life feels so out of control and I don't even know what my own needs are any more. I deeply resent my Dsis for opting out and leaving me with all of it. She says it was my choice but also blames me because I have a closer relationship with family. I feel so isolated and alone and I have no one to talk to about this. It's affecting me badly with very dark thoughts indeed. How do I pull myself round.
hattie43 · 26/03/2023 09:18
You are in an awful situation and it's not tenable longer term . I will be in a similar situation when the time comes and I'm not going to put myself in a similar situation.
In your shoes I would regain your own life . Move back to your own home to put space between you and your mum . If then involve social services and caters to see what help is available . Personally I absolutely won't be doing personal care and you may feel the same when the time comes , it'll be easier on mum to get her used to carers now rather than later.
Bottom line for me is you have lost your own identity. A move back to your own home can mean friends visiting and just some quiet time . You'll feel engaged with the world again rather than being in the insular caring bubble .
coffeecookie · 26/03/2023 09:23
Why does she need someone with her all the time? As a social worker I would be putting in some domiciliary care only based on what you say ?
Does she claim DlA or Attendance Allowance and therefore are you claiming carers allowance to top up your income... then you can claim other benefits you should not be living just on the rent.
livinthedreamnot · 26/03/2023 09:25
Didn't want to read and run. Those more knowledgeable than me will be able to advise you further but are social services involved? Have they carried out a care needs assessment? The care of your DM should not all fall on you, it sounds as though it is unsustainable for you and your DSis will not step up. For you own sake please get some practical help, it's too much of a burden to carry alone.
CharlotteDoyle · 26/03/2023 09:28
Have you been in touch with adult social services? My understanding is that it's this exact sort of situation that social services is there for. Eg they can assess your DM's needs and financial circumstances and put in place a support programme such as in-home care or possibly a move into a facility.
Knotaknitter · 26/03/2023 09:29
You need some support. Accept now that it won't come from your sister, she's shown you what she's prepared to do and that's unlikely to change. That may sound harsh but not everyone has the perfect family, all pulling together. You can't change how people are, you have to accept the truth of how the relationship actually is, rather than what you wish it was.
Would your sister pay for the cleaner she thinks mum needs? If so, accept it because it's one less job for you to be doing. You don't have to do all the work, if someone else can do it (more likely paid help than your sister) then have them do it. In England you are legally entitled to a carer's assessment, potentially it's another source of support for you. Has your mum had a needs assessment from Social Services? Your mum is only young yet, how long do you think you can carry on like this before you end up in hospital?
BrainOnFire · 26/03/2023 09:30
OP, I'm sorry to say this when you're obviously feeling so down, but your sister is basically right. You chose to give up your job and move in with your mum, and if she's still working full time while you're not working then it's not reasonable to share your mother's care one week on, one week off. If you're not happy, you need to move back to your home and/or look for another job.
Could your mum move into a retirement living flat if she's not capable of living on her own? My in laws have done this and it's really good. They were finding that maintaining their own home and garden was too much for them.
Don't cook Christmas dinner for people who don't appreciate it. But by the same token, don't expect your sister to do it either!
Ilikewinter · 26/03/2023 09:35
From experience the more you give, the more people take. You really need to be strong / get angry, do what ever it takes to say enoughs enough and take your own life back. I think you should look for at least a part time job, or volunteer work, day time hobbies etc. Do something for you. I know its not that easy, especially when you are just stuck dealing with everything day in day out, but please look after yourself 💐
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:36
coffeecookie · 26/03/2023 09:23
Why does she need someone with her all the time? As a social worker I would be putting in some domiciliary care only based on what you say ?
Does she claim DlA or Attendance Allowance and therefore are you claiming carers allowance to top up your income... then you can claim other benefits you should not be living just on the rent.
Thank you, that's interesting.
She struggles with all daily tasks, getting drinks, getting dressed, finding anything, emptying commode (which she needs at night because of continence issues), getting to toilet on time. She broke both hips and now struggles with movement and is at risk of injuring herself on stairs, trip hazards etc. Will not use frame or stick! She has COPD and other complications.
She doesn't really need someone with her all of the time. I can go out shopping or meet friends. But her care needs are quite strange and specific because of her blindness.
Just put in for attendance allowance. She's already on higher PIP.
Sunshineboo · 26/03/2023 09:43
can you access carers allowance and your mum PIP? both of these things may make it easier on you and allow you to get some relief, even if it is having someone come in for to care for her for a weekend or two so you can get away.
caring is hard but sometimes for a multitude of reasons it is the right option for both parties. if this is, on balance, where you think you are then stick with it, but get as much support financially and from social services as possible.
your sister is clearly feeling guilty. but you can not change her and please do not let her deflect her guilty feelings on you.
i say this as the party who felt pushed out by my sister who was primary carer. i always saw my relative regularly over my life. but worked and could not do the caring. my sister did not work and was skint so took the carers allowance and did washing cleaning etc. over time they got closer and i became more distant.
we had a blow up as i felt pushed out. didn't take me long to realise this was a massive me problem. i hope your sister has the same realisation
PragmaticWench · 26/03/2023 09:44
There are a lot of people around you saying 'no' to things they don't want, your DSIS saying what she won't do, your DM saying that she won't use aids or care staff visits. What about what you don't want for your life? Nothing about that.
I think your DM is clearly at a point where refusing either care staff to come in, or moving to an assisted care facility, is no longer an option.
Please think about going back to work, even if it takes some time to find the right job. You need to pay into a pension and you need your own life! It doesn't sound as though you are at all happy now, and that's not going to improve if you stay where you are.
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:45
BrainOnFire · 26/03/2023 09:30
OP, I'm sorry to say this when you're obviously feeling so down, but your sister is basically right. You chose to give up your job and move in with your mum, and if she's still working full time while you're not working then it's not reasonable to share your mother's care one week on, one week off. If you're not happy, you need to move back to your home and/or look for another job.
Could your mum move into a retirement living flat if she's not capable of living on her own? My in laws have done this and it's really good. They were finding that maintaining their own home and garden was too much for them.
Don't cook Christmas dinner for people who don't appreciate it. But by the same token, don't expect your sister to do it either!
I wasn't terribly clear - the original plan when we were both working was one week off, one week on. I am not expecting that now I am not doing paid work. I am simply expecting some/any support. Maybe a weekend off every now and then. Or for DSis to offer to take her out/invite her for tea etc.
What I wasn't expecting was criticism from DSis because I am shouldering all of the care for my DM.
You're right - Xmas dinner at friends will now be booked!
coffeecookie · 26/03/2023 09:48
Attendance Allowance is instead of PIP as in its one or the other so she might be better staying on PIP.
What is her mental capacity like? She's causing a lot of her problems herself by the sounds of it - if she doesn't understand that's one thing but if she's refusing to use a stick because she's stubborn and not because she forgets then it's on her and I'd be having a conversation about taking responsibility for herself!
Does she have a pendant alarm in case of falls? Social services should pay for that as it's preventative.
I'd ask for a social care assessment anyway as we have to assess cater blind then fill in gaps with what you are willing to do if anything.
FWIW my mother is totally blind, she lives at home alone with my sister and I popping in and a carer twice a day. She understands her own capabilities though which helps.
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 09:57
@Houseofjoy But her care needs are quite strange and specific because of her blindness.
Listen to @coffeecookie and get a social care assessment. It will feel like it to you because you are in the middle of it, but your DMs need are really not hugely out of the ordinary and could be managed with formal carers. A lot of the difficulties seems to be from her reluctance to use required aids or accept appropriate external care.
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 11:15
Huge thanks to the wise folk on this thread.
@Sunshineboo thanks for your honesty and insight. You're right that caring is sometimes the right option and clearly there are benefits to both me and my DM in choosing this option. I sometimes lose sight of this so this is really useful perspective. And having a break will help me to see this a little more clearly and put in measures to prevent future burnout.
@Knotaknitter - I will work on accepting that help will not come from DSis and instead pursue other options. I think this will be beneficial for my mental health in the long run and stop the resentment. Thank you.
And thank you to all of those suggesting I get a PT job. Sage advice indeed which I will follow.
@hattie43 good luck to you and hoping you won't make the same mistakes I have.
xx
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 12:03
@Houseofjoy do you accept that your sister doesn't have to help you and your mum in the way your mum demands? You if you want to keep a good relationship with her have to ensure that you acknowledge that the choice of you taking on everything was your and yours DMs choice and it's unfair to resent your dsis for not going along with your plans.
PickleMcPickle · 26/03/2023 12:43
Honestly, I'd be arranging social care and claiming back my life. Social care will take a while to get up and running so start now. I was on a waiting list for care for my profoundly disabled son and it took a very, very long time.
I know that care costs money but don't dedicate your life to preserving an inheritance that you have to share anyway. Accept that your DM's care needs will increase over time and chose to live your life.
Thesharkradar · 26/03/2023 13:00
Your sister has done a number on you it's like the trick they pulled with atlas, he was persuaded to shoulder the burden and having done so they all ran off laughing and he couldnt put it down ...
Well I may not have gotten the mythology details right but your sister knows that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's very difficult for you to have any leverage over your sister
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 13:13
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 12:03
@Houseofjoy do you accept that your sister doesn't have to help you and your mum in the way your mum demands? You if you want to keep a good relationship with her have to ensure that you acknowledge that the choice of you taking on everything was your and yours DMs choice and it's unfair to resent your dsis for not going along with your plans.
No. If you read the original post you will see that the original plan which was agreed by both myself and my DSis was that we would do a week on and a week off. She didn't deliver that so I had to step in as DM was just out of hospital and needed round the clock care. I resent her for not going along with THE plans that she agreed to. They were not my plans, they were our plans.
Of course she is entitled to say she doesn't want to care for DM. What she is not entitled to do is say she will provide care and then let us down because she decides on a whim to book a holiday, or invite her friends up.
Nor is she entitled to offload off her guilt onto me because I am providing care and she isn't. As others have acknowledged, providing care often means you forge a closer relationship with your charge. One of the upsides of making that choice, But DSis cannot resent me for that.
We all make choices. But we do not make choices within the conditions of our choosing. Our choices are often made within a particular material and financial context and they are always loaded with emotional baggage. My choice would have been to do a week on and a week off and then I could have perhaps kept my job, pension, personal space and house and knowing that my DMs needs were met. But this was taken off the table.
And I no longer wish to have a 'good' relationship with my DSis, if that means I need to provide all the care, not ask for support, not ask her to come and visit my Mum or take her out, and make no demands on her time whatsoever and still have to shoulder her guilt for not looking after my Mum. That is not a good relationship.
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