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Elderly parents

Deep sense of resentment

37 replies

Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:05

It's my first time posting and I'm not exactly sure what I'm after. A little understanding or a way to make myself feel better. Like many on this thread, I feel I am at breaking point. Or a little way past that.
I care for my DM who is 74, blind and broke her hip 8 months ago. Her sight loss has caused her to break almost every bone in her body at some point. Her previous frequent and excessive alcohol consumption did not help with mobility either.
I came to stay with DM 8 months ago and the original plan was to share care with my sister. One week on, one week off. But as DSis kept putting her week off, I just sort of stuck around. Things were going ok for me and my Mum. I cook, clean, do the washing and shopping, decorating, DIY all the admin etc. No personal care yet which makes things easier. But it feels like a lot as there is still so much stuff to sort through after she downsized following the death of her partner.
I was working but failing at that - ended up miserable and with the cost of living crisis, decided to abandon failing job, move in with my Mum permanently and rent out my house. It's a small income, around £600 per month but it meant I don't have to pay bills so - I'm surviving.
So, things were going ok but my main issue is that I have very little support from my sister and my relationship with my Mum is becoming increasingly strained as a result. Sister works full time (very well paid job with some status) and moved near to my Mum 2 years ago, ironically so she could offer more support. In those 2 years DM has been inside her house on 2 occasions. Once was Xmas and DSis tried everything possible to get out of that. DSis visits her approx once a month, never takes her out unless I ask her to. Even then I think there have been 3 meals and 1 trip to theatre in 2 years.
DSis refused to visit when we were both ill with chest infections as she didn't want to catch anything. That was hard. Both emotionally and physically.
I told DSis I was thinking of going to a friend's next Xmas as I felt unappreciated by DM and my son. (DM and son never buy me a present, no help cooking Xmas dinner from DS, and I feel like a servant) DSis refuses to have DM over for Xmas dinner next year.
When my car broke down, DSis suggested I just walk to the supermarket (30 mins walk away). No offer of a lift or picking stuff up.
DSis OH thinks DM is too dependent and wants her to get cleaners/meals on wheels etc which my DM doesn't want.
When I ask DSis directly for support, I am made aware of how inconvenient this is for her and how she needs to put her OH first. OH and DM do not get on.

To make matters worse, I'm visiting my Uncle twice a week as he is EOL and being supported at home by DF and other family. Emotionally, it is hard but made worse by DSis now complaining that by taking on care responsibilities, I am excluding her and making her feel bad. Big heated argument followed.

I am so tired and exhausted. My own life feels so out of control and I don't even know what my own needs are any more. I deeply resent my Dsis for opting out and leaving me with all of it. She says it was my choice but also blames me because I have a closer relationship with family. I feel so isolated and alone and I have no one to talk to about this. It's affecting me badly with very dark thoughts indeed. How do I pull myself round.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 13:18

Did your sister agree to 24hr live in care week on week off at the start with no end in sight?
I can't imagine many people or their employer agreeing to this?
Also can't imagine many peoples partners being on board with this either!

tootiredtospeak · 26/03/2023 13:21

There is no reason you cannot involve social services and request carers just because you live there. Contact them explain your caring but plan to return to work and they will come and do an assessment and go from there. If you dont go back to work that means when the carers come you can have time to yourself even if it's only a walk or a swim or coffee and cake. You are entitled to a life your DM could live another 10 years. You have done a lovely thing but it's time to admit it's too much. I hope your claiming carers allowance too that 70 a week. Forget your sister you can't control what she does you have asked for help and she has said no she has set her boundaries now you set yours. Things that could help are organise a weekly delivery for food and contact other carers who will be much more sympathetic than the general public. Each council can signpost you to support groups for carers. Also have the RNIB been to see her if not get in touch they have coffee mornings she could go too and they organise transport if needed it could get you both out for a much needed break and to interact with other blind people. The RNIB near us have all sorts excersise classes soup and roll lunches coffee morning ect.

BrainOnFire · 26/03/2023 13:34

Your sister has let you down, OP. But instead of dwelling on your feelings of resentment, put your energies into finding ways to make changes for yourself. You do not have to continue in the position you're currently in.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 14:13

Definitely get the meals on wheels and a cleaner. Then that’s two jobs you don’t need to do and it makes it easier for you to get part time work if someone is sorting her lunch.

Greenfairydust · 26/03/2023 14:24

I think you need to be realistic OP and accept that the current situation is not going to work.

You need to get back to having a life and a job and move back into your own home or your own retirement and sanity will be at risk.

Your sister has made it clear she is not able to offer the support you need, so your options:

  • your mother goes into supported living/ a care home
  • you have carers coming in to support her in her home.

You need to inform social services that you can no longer provide care and that they need to assess your mother.
MereDintofPandiculation · 26/03/2023 20:20

Does she have a pendant alarm in case of falls? Social services should pay for that as it's preventative. I don’t think that is usual. Our Social Services don’t pay

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 20:21

Agree - my parents pay for their alarm service

Architectahoy · 26/03/2023 20:30

How is the relationship between your Dsis and DM? When my DM needs help and support I won't be there (just like your Dsis!). My DBro is the favourite, she admits it publicly and he relishes in it. They're welcome to each other 😂

It's a quiet battle. I don't think anyone knows of my struggles apart from DH and Ddad. (I will however, care for my Dad when he needs it!)

Tista · 27/03/2023 19:09

give Up on your sister and focus on you. You sound fed up so get on with the needs assessment am sure she’ll get social services support, , get sister to pay halves on cleaner when you move out. You’d be more help popping in rather than struggling on

VimFuego101 · 27/03/2023 19:58

You need to decide what you can realistically do in terms of help. It's not sustainable for you to live off your rental income (what happens if your renters give notice?) and you don't want to lose your place in your career, if you intend going back to it later.

PermanentTemporary · 28/03/2023 05:41

What @ModeWeasel said (I think). Your mental health is important and you need to prioritise that.

In your situation I would be practically chewing off my fingers with resentment of my sister. No wonder you feel dark. Also it is not ok for your mum to just say she's not going to do X or have Y, and you just fill the gap. I'd be pretty angry with her too.

So. What would a better life look like for you, without being filled with very justified resentment and anger? You've identified some things that would help, like an occasional break, but in fact I think I agree with those who say you need to reclaim your life. However the plans were made with your sister, it's not going to work like that. Your mum has got through the immediate patch after hospital and it's time to put something more sustainable in place.

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 28/03/2023 06:52

Are you claiming any benefit to protect your own NI payments? Even if not entitled to any money due to renting out your house? Is that all done officially?
You sound very vulnerable financially OP.

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