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Elderly parents

Rapid deterioration- when to consider a home?

7 replies

Dementiadad · 13/03/2023 16:29

My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year and up until recently he has been managing at home with us and some home help (not carers - befrienders that do a bit of cleaning, make lunch and remind for meds).
However over the last couple of months things keep happening that have ended up with police involvement (accusing people of stealing, going to an old friend's house and making a scene).
He is blissfully unaware of his diagnosis and to him everyone else is in the wrong.

He is adamant there is nothing wrong with him and he is doing just fine. He gets angry if it is suggested otherwise.

It is getting a bit much for us to cope with and today I got a message from the aforementioned old friend who said the next time he comes round he will call the police and have him arrested.

Police are aware of him and have a form thing which means they contact us. Which they do, at 3am because my dad has zero sense of time nowadays.

Plus dad is always losing his keys which means I have to go round there and sort him out. At least once a week - always late at night because he is a heavy drinker and goes to the pub all evening (never forgets that).

I am exhausted. I have an ASD son who has me up in the night too. For my own sake he needs to go into a home.

I have no idea where to start. SS couldn't be less interested because me and my sister pick up the pieces.

I should also add he basically never showers, sleeps in his clothes, doesn't eat anything unless handed to him and drinks every day.

What do I do? We have LPAs (both).

OP posts:

thesandwich · 13/03/2023 16:32

Contact adult social services. Is he deemed to have capacity? Raise a concern re safeguarding.
tell ss you can longer be responsible- carer breakdown.


Dementiadad · 13/03/2023 16:45

Thank you for replying.

who decides capacity? The problem is he is so convinced in his mind that he is right he comes across as entirely plausible.

How do we physically get him to move? He will go crazy if he can't get to the pub.

OP posts:

openingbat · 13/03/2023 17:14

Turn your phone off. I'm not even joking. I know he's your dad but you can't carry on taking responsibility for him, especially if he's going to the pub to get pissed every night.


Dementiadad · 13/03/2023 17:16

Thanks - I do put it on silent but then I look at my phone when DS wakes me and I see the missed calls and panic!

Landline has been unplugged for months.

I just can't walk away, I don't know what to do either.

OP posts:

Nixer · 13/03/2023 17:20

Social services ought to be able to do a capacity assessment or alternatively his GP could (GP would probably be quicker). If he's deemed to have capacity he can't be forced into anything he doesn't want.

You need to say that you can't continue to support him. Possibly even to the extent that you stop taking phone calls about him (I had to do this with my mother). Eventually the crisis happens or the wheels fall off in some other way and they finally are found not to have capacity but it can be a bumpy road especially when they can fool officialdom for 30 minutes or so.

You could ask SS to do a needs assessment too if one hasn't been done lately but waiting times are long now I believe. Also may not be worth it if you think he won't co-operate with it. Would something like that work if you present it as "this is going to happen" rather than give him a choice?

The stuff with the police should help - it's all evidence but I think the other route (sectioning) only happens when the person is deemed a danger to themselves or others.

I'd be tempted to tell the old friend "yes, phone the police every time, and stop phoning me". The only reason I didn't have a breakdown when this happened to me was liberal use of "do not disturb" on my mobile and blocking various numbers. So many people/agencies expect children to take complete responsibility for their parents and it is just wrong.

Very best of luck.


Dementiadad · 13/03/2023 17:52

Thanks @Nixer I will try the GP and SS and be much more controlled with my phone.

You are probably right though, having the police records might actually be helpful. I just hate wasting their time.

OP posts:

KnittingNeedles · 13/03/2023 23:07

It's really hard. I feel so much for you, we are in a similar situation with my dad. Until now he has been managing at home, with help from my mum but now has significant health/mobility issues on top of the rapidly worsening dementia. He's currently in hospital getting treatment but really, I don't think he'll be able to come home.

Agree that first point of call is social services. There will be a 24 hour number if you are desperate - I called them and had such a reassuring chat with the duty social worker who then arranged for someone to go out and see mum. They are the experts about the funding, the benefits, the homes in your area. The one thing I have been told on several occasions by friends in similar positions and by medical professionals is that you need to be very selfish and assertive - no you can't be your dad's carer, no you can't have him move in with you, no you can't go and live with him. Sounds really brutal but you need to look out for yourself, your partner and your own kids.

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