Has anyone used a ‘soft carer’ eg someone for companionship and to change bedding/ cook a meal?

[Thethingswedoforlove]

My dm was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s jn October 2021. She lives with my dad who is her carer but who is starting to struggle. They are both 78. It is clear mum is deteriorating but in the stage where she still thinks she is capable. She couldn’t remember her surname when on the phone to the bank yesterday but still wants to do all the cooking and washing. Her mobility is not so good and dad is very impatient and has always been independent. Anyway I wondered whether I might be able to find someone to come in for a couple of hours most days and take her for a walk, sort out the washing/ change the bedding/ ensure she has something she wants to watch/ cook them a main meal etc. they have money. Is that sort of carer a reasonable thing to look for? Could eg be someone who has kids at school and wants some part time work - even if they couldn’t come during the holidays. What might I name the role if I were to do an advert and how would I take up references and how much should we pay? Any help recommended. I want to make this journey easy as possible for both of them. Dad is really beginning to struggle. I have a fulll tkme job and two teenage kids. I go there for one afternoon a week and do what I can but it isn’t enough. My brother isn’t currently able to help.

Much more than that I would say- even in the north

This information is all so so helpful. Thank you

My mum has a team through the local authority who do this as she doesn't have 'care needs' in the traditional sense but her (undiagnosed) dementia type behaviours were making impossible for my disabled dad to cope. They come in twice a day. They don't do full meals but then again my mum never did cook anything.
Definitely worth going through an agency as then all the checks have been done.
Ask around in her local area as there's often smaller agencies offering a more bespoke service.

not us but our elderly neighbours have an au pair type situation.

she does some housework, takes in the supermarket delivery and cooks.

drives them to dr appointments and bingo nights etc.

she lives as a lodger in their house and studies.

My mum has three home helps who come in Monday, Wednesday and Friday. They do a bit of everything including taking her out if she fancies it. She advertised ,she used an agency but they were double the price and reluctant to be flexible.

With my dad they had a 'cleaner' twice a week who actually spent most of the time chatting to my Dad while my Mum could do other things including going out. Alzheimers society also organised a lady who would do some household stuff like ironing but in fact her main role was to keep dad entertained. Mum couldn't leave the house but she could garden or read a book in another room

In Surrey? I saw an advert for someone who is a personal assistant/employs others for the elderly the other day- can I PM you? Haven’t used the service myself but she is a fairly well known acquaintance of mine!

@Tinner01 yes please do PM me!

I could have written your message a year ago as it was what I wanted for my parents. Essentially what a dutiful nearby daughter would do, but that I wasn't able/didn't want to do for myriad reasons. They had been living indepedently until then with a cleaner a couple of times a week.

A year later, DD is an wheelchair with advanced Parkinson's, my mother has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and they have a live-in carer along with an additional carer to give her a break for three hours a day. This is all through Home Instead and is obviously costing a fortune, but they wouldn't be able to live at home without it.

What I would say is that always aim for something more than you currently need because by the time you organise it/persuade them to accept it, the chances are it'll be the right level or less than you need. The good thing about starting soft (a carer for an hour in the morning and the evening) meant that they got accustomed and by the time we needed to escalate, they were more amenable. Going through an agency meant that this was something we could do through them.

Sadly once the deterioration starts, it only goes one way and it tends to accelerate.

On a positive note, previous to the live in carers my dad had ended up in hospital four times in eight months. In the five months since we've had live-in, he hasn't had to go to hospital. My life is immeasurably easier as I kept on having to drop everything to travel the two hours to help (with a teenager with her own issues at home).

We used home instead too, highly recommend. They were very flexible on number of days and frequency and I think charged £35ph.

I would think you want a Companion Carer but I would think they vary a bit in what they do. I'm actually wondering about doing this work myself if I ever get to a point where I can work limited hours.

I’d you google care at home you will find your local options. Many do a service called companion, and help at home, so you can choose exactly what you want. It’s a common thing ☺️

In Surrey try Age UK Surrey (not national Age UK) as they have a Home Help service that does exactly this kind of thing - not personal care but cleaning, companionship, taking someone shopping, whatever. Much less expensive than personal care (I think about £12-15/hour vs £25-30 for private personal care in some bits of Surrey).

@Thethingswedoforlove sorry it took so long to reply. Organisation I work for covers Bucks/Berks/Herts area. May be something similar though, if you include Personal Assistant & companionship in the search

I am looking at this concept for my parents; haven't tried them yet.

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Last helper quit due to their personal circumstances. They did light cleaning, changed bedding, chats for only a couple of hours a week

I thought I had found the perfect replacement, but when we met in person, they wanted a minimum 4 hours a week. Relative, doesn't want to pay that much !

So they are now stuck with no help

I live several hours away

It is very frustrating !

Thank you, I may try gubbe

@Thethingswedoforlove I do exactly this for an 85 year old gent. I am self employed so provide an invoice to the man's son every week via the little local agency who organise everything. The agency lady told me to invoice for £16 per hour...I'm not sure how she makes her money! I don't have DBS but I met the lady who runs the agency and we chatted for 2 hours and she was happy to recommend me. I do 12-1.30pm 2 days a week. Someone else does another 2 days and a cleaner comes on the 5th day. I have made it clear that I will never do personal care and that's fine. I chat to him, sometimes go for a walk, go to M and S to get some ready meals with him. I remind him to take his pills, make sure he has a large glass of water, make his lunch which is always a microwave job but I always prepare fresh veg. I go through the fridge and chuck out anything out of date, sometimes do some washing up or iron a few items. Mostly it's a bit of company and ensuring eating /drinking properly and trying to get him out for a bit of fresh air/stretch his legs.
I hope that helps.

The lovely woman who cleans for me has mentioned she does similar things that you want for others she also cleans for.

She cared for her partners Nan before she died, and seems really comfortable with older people. She's really good with me, she seems to understand my needs somewhat better than even my family. Just small things, like never leaving anything on the floor, because I use a rollator in the the house, and she moves things others leave that about so I'm not impeded.

So, I'd either use an agency or look for a cleaner whose happy to do other carer stuff as well.

For info, my Mum had MS, & had a whole load of carers after Dad died
via an agency, more than one stole from her, one was a drunk...
Its a minefield

My aunt does- she is 92 and has a carer 6 mornings a week for half an hour early to help her shower/wash/dress. She makes her own breakfast. Two days a week she has someone at lunchtime for 45 minutes to heat up a ready meal - I think it is more for the company as she does it the other days. She also employs someone twice a week for an hour to clean and shop/change bed etc.

The cost is over £500 a month. Works out about £20 an hour I think she said.

Should say they come from a company and the same two come and have been trustworthy and pleasant .

Home Instead here too. The lady comes in to DF 3 hours a week, does a little light cleaning, shopping, changing bedding, etc

My friend works as a live in carer, and depending on the client she is sent to, sometimes she just provides companionship, taking her elderly client out, chatting to them and a bit of cooking and cleaning . Other places she is full on personal care and dementia support .

I imagine if you were to contact an agency and explain what you want they would be more than happy to provide the particular help that your parents need.