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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I forgive my parents for my childhood?

68 replies

mammatilly · 08/03/2023 19:57

My father was violent, very violent
He had no patience,, even small misbehavours his father was violent to him so it was following that pattern
My mither stood by and watched
I became angry and rebellious
I self harmed - cutting, overdose, even broke my own wrist
I screwed up all my gcses and left school at 16
They let me go out with a 22 year old when I was 15
They gave up on me

Luckily I made it through
But i had several violent relationships until I found meditation, therapy, and then university as mature student etc

What a miracle

Now I parent my children properly

How do I forgive them? It gets harder as my kids get older and I see the heartbreak of childhood.

I can't ask people in realife. I'm ashamed of my childhood and my parents.

OP posts:
WoeBeCome · 08/03/2023 21:31

Have a look at the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. You might find some of it helpful.

You are still thinking as though you can fix the relationship on your own. You still are feeling the responsibility of making things better. I wonder if you did that as a child at all? The onus is on them to make it better, not for you to somehow become a ‘better’ person by suppressing your anger and forgiving them. You can be true to yourself in how you feel about them.

neitherofthem · 08/03/2023 21:31

Matlab · 08/03/2023 21:27

Did your dad actually abuse you, or was it a case of you harbouring resentment as to the person you parents made you into, and the path they sent you down?

It actually says in the OP that her father was very violent.

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:31

Is that abuse ?

OP posts:
Enthrallingstoryofstillness · 08/03/2023 21:33

mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:31

Is that abuse ?

It's horrendous abuse xxx

Matlab · 08/03/2023 21:33

Ok, definitely sounds bad enough for no contact

Alpiniste · 08/03/2023 21:39

What are they like now? If you let them know with haughty disdain that they were awful parents what they say. What would he say if you stood up to him and confronted him with the reality of his temper?

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:41

I confronted him in first year of becoming a parent myself my child was born

He said he didn't remember everything
He said sorry if he upset me
My mother said we must forgive and forget

OP posts:
Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:43

That's what she always said
what she still says

I don't know if he hits her
But he shows her his temper

I wonder if she regrets her marriage

OP posts:
CaveatmTOR · 08/03/2023 21:44

One day soon, wake up, get the sun on your face and decide to live the rest of your life without seeing them ever again.

I would never be able to forgive that level of abuse - Fucking hell!

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:48

I don't forgive

But I treat them lovingly and decently as though it never happened

Because I can't bear the truth that it did

OP posts:
Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:49

Yes I am getting ready to walk away

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 08/03/2023 21:53

So your Mum gaslights you? The abuse continues. My Dad broke the cycle. He never forgave but lives the fullest life well into his 80s and has been my hero my whole life and to my kids in turn. I'm sorry op 😞

Panpig · 08/03/2023 21:58

Don't forgive them. Cut them out of your life completely. You are better than them, and it takes courage to walk away, but you will be doing the right thing. You don't owe them anything. Please put yourself first OP from now on

TattyDevine · 08/03/2023 21:58

You don't have to forgive. You can try to understand- in your own time, as an educational subject, if you choose to study it.

But you have your own life now, so that choice is yours to make or reject or leave for another day 🙂

NCGrandParent · 08/03/2023 21:58

@mammatilly This stuck out to me: I thought I had a big enough heart to accept that they are products of their upbringing

It sounds to me like you understand them rather well and that you can accept they are products of their upbringing.

Moving from that understanding to forgiveness is NOT a natural progression. And I would say is likely not healthy, truthful or useful to you.

You are currently parenting your inner child as well as your own children. I have enormous respect for this loving act. Thank you for your bravery and strength.
^^
^^

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 08/03/2023 21:59

When you say you feel you haven’t accepted it OP surely it’s right that we none of us accept abuse is something to just be forgotten. It is completely and utterly wrong and still feels wrong however old we are. Maybe a good therapist can help you process and come through to a more resilient place I don’t know? But whatever happens you are an absolute legend for coming through and making your life good and breaking that appalling chain. Sending the best of good wishes to you and your lovely brand new family.

Beamur · 08/03/2023 22:00

I think you only really achieve mutual forgiveness when the other person acknowledges what they did and is genuinely sorry and you all move towards a different future.
Ultimately though you can forgive someone for how they have treated you - this is for your own benefit and it takes away the power that others have over you.
Your parents don't accept they did anything wrong. You know differently. I'd stay NC if I were you. Well done for breaking the pattern.

BlueSeaWave · 08/03/2023 22:01

Everything you have described is huge abuse, both physical and mental. Well don’t for seeing it wand changing that. It’s no excise if that’s how they were parented, they knew right from wrong.

You don’t owe them forgiveness, nothing. They are just piling it on thinking they want care in their old age. Fuck them. Don’t care for them, nothing. Go NC and enjoy your children.

Mooshamoo · 08/03/2023 22:03

I grew up in an abusive household. I forgive my parents because I see that they were suffering and were not able to be loving.

People becomes abusive because they are suffering themselves.

I think: would I be able to be an amazing parent all the time? I don't have children. I don't think I would be an overly cruel mother, but I think that may struggle and be neglectful to my child, because I wouldn't be able to cope.

I forgive my parents as I see that they were not able to cope.

Human life is hard and by the time people get to the the age where they have children, many humans are not able to cope.

I forgive my parents as I see that their abuse of me came from their own suffering.

I love myself. Love yourself.

Calminacrisis · 08/03/2023 22:04

Hi OP, I could have written your post. I am so sorry you parents appalling behaviour still haunts you.

Like you, having children of my own triggered an increasing horror and awareness that my parents behaviour (violent father/enabling mother) was not normal. I had therapy which was transformative. Like others have said, you don’t need to forgive them, you need to be able to accept what happened to you and move on from it. If low or no contact is something you feel able to do, it can be empowering because you are making a choice you were unable to as a powerless child.

By the time my father died I hadn’t seen him in person for nearly two years. Making the choice not to see him was liberating. I didn’t grieve him but I did experience grief for the parents/upbringing I could have had.

Well done on breaking the cycle of abuse and violence. I wish you peace and healing.

dollypartin · 08/03/2023 22:08

Forgiveness is more for you to let the pain go. It doesn't mean what they did was ok. But don't force yourself to forgive before you're ready.

VikingLady · 08/03/2023 22:12

I forgave my parents by accident, without realising. I went from being livid with them for all the shit in my childhood to accepting that they probably couldn't have done much better - and crucially, they didn't know that better was even an option.

But that happened years after I realised my dad was undiagnosed autistic (the rest of his family are), with significant abandonment issues, and it was a long time before the internet or parenting tv programmes. And my mum drunkenly told me that she thought her childhood had left her incapable of feeling love for anyone.

That enabled me to see that none of it was my fault, whatever they told me as a kid. I was parenting my SEN kids, seeking a diagnosis for myself, and talking to other friends with fucked up childhoods. One day I just realised I wasn't angry any more, but sad that my parents were so messed up.

But it wasn't deliberate or fast, and they never asked for it. If someone demands forgiveness they seriously don't deserve it.

mahrezzy · 08/03/2023 22:18

I had a terrible childhood (physical & emotional abuse) and stopped having any relationship with my mother 20 years ago. I can never forgive how she treated me.

My 4 year old son sometimes asks why we don’t see her and I tell him the truth (in age appropriate language). I think it’s so important to model to my own child that people cannot and should not treat others how my mother treated me and that I won’t allow her in our lives to do it again.

OP you have all my thoughts and respect for all you went through and how you’ve broken the cycle. Only people who do it - and do it every day - know how difficult it can be.

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 22:25

Thank you for all your sharings and kind words and support it means a lot

OP posts:
SleekMamma · 08/03/2023 22:27

To give someone forgiveness surely they have to ask for your forgiveness?
And it doesn't sound like they are capable of that.

So maybe instead of forgiveness an element of letting go might help.
Plus proper psychotherapy to help you process it all.