How do I forgive my parents for my childhood?

[mammatilly]

My father was violent, very violent
He had no patience,, even small misbehavours his father was violent to him so it was following that pattern
My mither stood by and watched
I became angry and rebellious
I self harmed - cutting, overdose, even broke my own wrist
I screwed up all my gcses and left school at 16
They let me go out with a 22 year old when I was 15
They gave up on me

Luckily I made it through
But i had several violent relationships until I found meditation, therapy, and then university as mature student etc

What a miracle

Now I parent my children properly

How do I forgive them? It gets harder as my kids get older and I see the heartbreak of childhood.

I can't ask people in realife. I'm ashamed of my childhood and my parents.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

How old are your kids? There came a point when I realised I needed to go NC with my parents so that they didn't have a relationship with my kids, in order to ensure that they never had an opportunity to abuse my kids.

I forgive them in as much as I wish them no ill - I hope they're having a nice life somewhere. But you can't do more than that with people who don't understand (or won't admit) that they did things wrong and need forgiving.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And what MrsSquirrel wrote in her post re NC.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You do not owe your parents anything, let alone a relationship now.

The fact is that, for forgiveness to work, there needs to be reciprocity in which the other admits to wrong doing and apologizes. With abusive parents this does not happen readily if at all.

Your parents had a choice when it came to you as a child and they chose to mete out the abuse that was done to them. None of the abuse was your fault in any way; this is all on them.

You had that self same choice to make when it came to your children and you chose not to abuse or otherwise mistreat them daily; the cycle of abuse that went down the generations stopped.

It is not your fault they are like this nor did you make them that way. They were once young and abusive, now they are old and abusive. They have never apologised nor even accepted any responsibility for their own actions.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

You don't have to forgive them for what happened.
Just learn from it and make sure history doesn't repeat itself.
You also don't have to look after them if they're old and frail and need you either.
It was my mother who was the "disciplinarian" usually when my dad was away.
I think I've done a pretty good job on my DD by thinking what would she have done and then doing the opposite. I'm very proud of the young women they've turned into.

[Lilybetsey]

You don't have to forgive. But if you want to there is a great book by the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter which gives a framework for forgiveness . And he knew a bit about that !

I'm so sorry for all you experienced

[Twatalert]

OP you don't go NC because you heart isn't big enough. You do it for your own peace. Or you don't do it because that's what you genuinely want.

To me it sounds like you feel you have to be the good daughter, torment yourself to try and forgive and remain in contact. I believe you don't have to forgive to find peace. Peace is found with acceptance that you did not get the childhood you deserved. I find that the more I can accept this the more peace I get and the less contact I have with my parents because I stop chasing to somehow find the parents I wanted to have. They never existed.

I don't have kids. But when my niece came along I realised that I could never treat her the way I was treated. I couldn't understand how someone could do that to a child. Same when I got my pet. Yes, a pet.

[MrsSquirrel]

I have always felt that going NC would cause more pain and suffering in the world for them, for my children etc.

How would going NC be for you? What would your feelings be? It's OK to think of yourself here.

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

@mammatilly

My father was violent, very violent
He had no patience,, even small misbehavours his father was violent to him so it was following that pattern
My mither stood by and watched
I became angry and rebellious
I self harmed - cutting, overdose, even broke my own wrist
I screwed up all my gcses and left school at 16
They let me go out with a 22 year old when I was 15
They gave up on me

Luckily I made it through
But i had several violent relationships until I found meditation, therapy, and then university as mature student etc

What a miracle

Now I parent my children properly

How do I forgive them? It gets harder as my kids get older and I see the heartbreak of childhood.

I can't ask people in realife. I'm ashamed of my childhood and my parents.

You don't have to forgive them. What they did to you was wrong.

[maddy68]

Forgive them because it gives you piece of mind.

Times were different, different things were acceptable

Don't let it live in your head.

[FormerlyPathologicallyHappy]

I didn’t and went nc when they started being horrible to dh.

Dh stuck around for his mum who phoned in her parenting and I was happier than him.

When he was dying she disowned him 3 times and caused him a lot of pain.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

OP we're LC with mine and it's been such a revelation how much better life is with her barely in our lives. The lockdown Christmas when we didn't see her was so wonderful, it made me realise I'd been putting up with far too much in a misguided attempt to ensure she had a relationship with my DD.

I've since realised I also don't want her influence on my DD as I don't want the cycle repeating. I don't think she'd go as far with her as she did with me and my brother (times have changed and hitting children is, she knows, frowned upon now!) but it's the constant put downs and negativity I don't want DD to be faced with.

[Enko]

I think going back to therapy is a good idea op. Explore if you want to forgive them or if you feel you have to. Big difference there.

You have broken the bond with your children. For me (less violent childhood more neglect) the healing has come in knowing i parented my 4 differently and due to this they don't have that knawing sense of not having enough worth.

I am currently doing a course in a therapist modality called Transactional analysis. They speak of scripts. Ways you have build inside of you from early childhood to basically survive. Breaking scripts can be incredibly hard. It's likely what you are trying to do now in feeling you "have" to forgive.

Good luck going forward

[mammatilly]

It is reallly helping me in this forum to be able to say so clearly these things and receive ypur feedbacks and insights

Thank you mumsnetters

[mammatilly]

I have always felt that going NC would cause more pain and suffering in the world for them, for my children etc. And that I am trying to stop that cycle of pain. Trying to create ripples of love peace happiness in myself my family and the world and going NC seems to be the opposite.

but as my kids get older I am actually feeling angrier as I see so clearly their complete lack of self control their complete abdication of their parental responsibility when they were educated intelligent and had financial stability etc.

Maybe my father's childhood trauma of his father's violence was hidden until he faced the challenges of being a parent himself and his modus operandi was violence and loss of control.

[Unsure33]

Out of interest how do you think you would feel you went NC ? I think you deserve to be as free as you can and concentrate on your lovely current family .

[Peachy2005]

You don’t need to forgive these awful people but you obviously need to get to a place where you are at peace with things and can move on fully. Try to find a good hypnotherapist as they can work with a deeper level of your consciousness. Hopefully it can also start to have an effect quicker than other types of therapy…if you can find the right therapist you click with.

[FearTheWankingDead]

Don’t forgive them.
I would also like to say that realising how bad your childhood was and breaking the cycle to be a good parent is HUGE. You should be proud of yourself for doing it.

[carriedout]

@Matlab

Did your dad actually abuse you, or was it a case of you harbouring resentment as to the person you parents made you into, and the path they sent you down?

FFS. The op says the father was violent. 'harbouring resentment' indeed

[SleekMamma]

To give someone forgiveness surely they have to ask for your forgiveness?
And it doesn't sound like they are capable of that.

So maybe instead of forgiveness an element of letting go might help.
Plus proper psychotherapy to help you process it all.

[mammatilly]

Thank you for all your sharings and kind words and support it means a lot

[mahrezzy]

I had a terrible childhood (physical & emotional abuse) and stopped having any relationship with my mother 20 years ago. I can never forgive how she treated me.

My 4 year old son sometimes asks why we don’t see her and I tell him the truth (in age appropriate language). I think it’s so important to model to my own child that people cannot and should not treat others how my mother treated me and that I won’t allow her in our lives to do it again.

OP you have all my thoughts and respect for all you went through and how you’ve broken the cycle. Only people who do it - and do it every day - know how difficult it can be.

[VikingLady]

I forgave my parents by accident, without realising. I went from being livid with them for all the shit in my childhood to accepting that they probably couldn't have done much better - and crucially, they didn't know that better was even an option.

But that happened years after I realised my dad was undiagnosed autistic (the rest of his family are), with significant abandonment issues, and it was a long time before the internet or parenting tv programmes. And my mum drunkenly told me that she thought her childhood had left her incapable of feeling love for anyone.

That enabled me to see that none of it was my fault, whatever they told me as a kid. I was parenting my SEN kids, seeking a diagnosis for myself, and talking to other friends with fucked up childhoods. One day I just realised I wasn't angry any more, but sad that my parents were so messed up.

But it wasn't deliberate or fast, and they never asked for it. If someone demands forgiveness they seriously don't deserve it.

[dollypartin]

Forgiveness is more for you to let the pain go. It doesn't mean what they did was ok. But don't force yourself to forgive before you're ready.

[Calminacrisis]

Hi OP, I could have written your post. I am so sorry you parents appalling behaviour still haunts you.

Like you, having children of my own triggered an increasing horror and awareness that my parents behaviour (violent father/enabling mother) was not normal. I had therapy which was transformative. Like others have said, you don’t need to forgive them, you need to be able to accept what happened to you and move on from it. If low or no contact is something you feel able to do, it can be empowering because you are making a choice you were unable to as a powerless child.

By the time my father died I hadn’t seen him in person for nearly two years. Making the choice not to see him was liberating. I didn’t grieve him but I did experience grief for the parents/upbringing I could have had.

Well done on breaking the cycle of abuse and violence. I wish you peace and healing.

[Mooshamoo]

I grew up in an abusive household. I forgive my parents because I see that they were suffering and were not able to be loving.

People becomes abusive because they are suffering themselves.

I think: would I be able to be an amazing parent all the time? I don't have children. I don't think I would be an overly cruel mother, but I think that may struggle and be neglectful to my child, because I wouldn't be able to cope.

I forgive my parents as I see that they were not able to cope.

Human life is hard and by the time people get to the the age where they have children, many humans are not able to cope.

I forgive my parents as I see that their abuse of me came from their own suffering.

I love myself. Love yourself.