I’m a new sandwich - any advice

[SadSandwich]

My DM is early 80’s and moved into an over 50s place about 15mins away. I have 2 teenagers, full time job, DH and we have never had any help. No family local so this is a shock. I don’t really get on with DM and over the years have maintained low contact mainly for my mental well-being. DM is overly critical, can be harsh and moans at everything. Worse that she gossips about us siblings.

What is life going to be like with her here. How many times do I have to visit? Do I have to do activities, but the shopping? How do I maintain privacy and not be the subject of her gossip? I have no idea what to do. And totally pissed off that now the kids are at an age where I finally have more freedom, DM moves down - she is unable to walk far so shopping, walks - all need support. Any advice or have you been there? I really am sad about it if I’m honest.

[Greenfairydust]

My advice is: don't do it...

If you have a difficult parent who you don't have a good relationship you should not be pushed into becoming the main carer by default.

If your parent is in supported housing she can also arrange for carers to come in if she needs additional help.

I think women really need to build better boundaries rather than just accept they should always care for everyone but never put their own physical and mental health first.

So put your boundaries in place from the start: you have a job and a family of your own and you won't be able to provide support beyond a social visit if your relationship with your mother means you are OK doing that.

if not you will end up miserable and exhausted with no life for the foreseeable future.

[Ttwinkletoes]

That generation can be very unwilling to spend money.
But set up the local taxi service, ?cleaner, ? visits with the other residents, make sure you have the timetable of what's on and when to inform her, there will maybe be bingo etc
Food can be delivered surely.
My DM wanted lots of trips out into the local town so she can chat to people she meets I would do this twice a week but wasn't working.

[cptartapp]

@MereDintofPandiculation

This is what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed when older and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to enjoy the prime of their lives. This is often said on here, but I don’t think it’s necessarily true for the older generation. You scrimp and save so you can pass on something substantial to your children or to your grandchildren. So anything you spend on yourself on daily living tasks that you’ve been used to doing yourself is whittling away at your children’s inheritance. And that upsets yourself esteem.

That's just unfortunate. If we all want to live till 101 the mental health of the physical working population bringing up families and holding down jobs takes priority.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

That's just unfortunate. If we all want to live till 101 the mental health of the physical working population bringing up families and holding down jobs takes priority. We don’t all want to live to 101. Opinion polls repeatedly show that we want to live while we are in good health with friends and family around us, and we want to be allowed to die once we are no longer in good health. At the moment too many of us are being forced to live when we no longer wish to, and paying for the “privilege“.

I’m not saying children should bear the burden of their parents’ decline. Just challenging the statement so often repeated “we scrimp and save so we can look after ourselves in old age”. I think most people’s idea of “saving for old age” is framed around being able to continue with hobbies or go on holiday (and leaving the house to the kids), not saving to spend £50000 a year vegetating in a care home.