I’m a new sandwich - any advice

[SadSandwich]

My DM is early 80’s and moved into an over 50s place about 15mins away. I have 2 teenagers, full time job, DH and we have never had any help. No family local so this is a shock. I don’t really get on with DM and over the years have maintained low contact mainly for my mental well-being. DM is overly critical, can be harsh and moans at everything. Worse that she gossips about us siblings.

What is life going to be like with her here. How many times do I have to visit? Do I have to do activities, but the shopping? How do I maintain privacy and not be the subject of her gossip? I have no idea what to do. And totally pissed off that now the kids are at an age where I finally have more freedom, DM moves down - she is unable to walk far so shopping, walks - all need support. Any advice or have you been there? I really am sad about it if I’m honest.

That is nice about the communal lounge. My dad's is council and some of these have this as well, it's a great idea.

How many times do I have to visit? Do I have to do activities, but the shopping? How do I maintain privacy and not be the subject of her gossip? I have no idea what to do.

It's blindingly obvious that you don't have to do anything at all. Just carry on as before; no contact.

The place where she's living will have plenty of older residents in need of support; social activities, and people happy to support for a fee. Home delivery shopping advice, transport to appointments, etc.

Can you not continue as you were and pretend that she is not 15 mins away and let your siblings know that you are not her carer?

Is there a reason she has moved close to you?

Shopping can be delivered and she can make new friends at the over 50's place and do activities.

How did she previously get her shopping, get to hospital, go for walks etc, has she suddenly deteriorated?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do but it can be really hard when you find yourself under pressure to do it! Mine is similar - v critical, moans endlessly behind people's backs, has spent years avoiding being an involved grandparent whilst pretending to her friends that she is. She now lives closer to us (about 2.5 hours rather than 5, so still not 'popping in' distance but in theory close enough for a day trip). I've found as her health has deteriorated expectations have been expressed about what I should be doing for her. Have a think about your boundaries now, as it's a lot easier to set them and stick to them than dial back once you've got sucked in. So I am not getting involved with lifts to the hospital (people on this forum helped me find several solutions) or organising shopping etc as all of that is available where she lives. We've only seen her 2-4 times per year in the last decade and I'm sticking to that, despite the blackmail to increase it. Mine asks before every single school holiday and bank holiday weekend what we're doing with the expectation we'll visit her but I have no intention of doing so - have had to build my own support network as she was so useless and I'd rather spend time with them now.

You will find plenty of people who are seeing elderly relatives very frequently, doing a lot of helping and caring. But please remember that those are their circs and don't compare yourself.

As for dealing with her - just don't provide 'ammunition'. I tell mine bland stuff we've done, I don't provide anything she can use against me or pass onto friends. I don't tell her anything confidential as I know my confidence won't be kept. FOG and grey rock are really useful here!

Teenagers don't need to be doing her hoovering. Surely she wouldn't have her GC doing that! She can pay for a cleaner. This is what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed when older and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to enjoy the prime of their lives.
Cleaners, gardeners, local handymen, pharmacy delivery, online shopping, taxis, carers etc etc. The rainy day is now here.

Don't do any more than you do now.

Does she keep ringing you up, asking you to do things for her?

You don't have to do anything.

But she did everything for you as a baby/toddler/child/growing up - I presume?

Just very sad that everyone is saying she's reaped what she's sown.

I would liase with your siblings and set out expectations for everyone to help and try to buy in as much support as possible. Are your siblings close by? Where has your mother moved down from, how far away? Any other family who could help?

Why should she do any liaising? It's up to her and the siblings whether they do anything.

You choose to have children and bring them up. That's not in the expectation they'll care for you when they're old. It's just what you do by choosing to have a child. You don't choose to have nasty parents.

Giving birth to a child and looking after it is not something that is done in the expectation that the child has an obligation to look after you in the future. It is not a debt to be repaid.

The OP's mother is difficult and unpleasant. It is hard enough supporting an elderly family member without that as well.

Jesus wept. My mother fed, clothed, housed and took me to activities. She also hit me, degraded me and controlled me.

People really do reap what they sow. Nobody goes low contact with a mother who has been loving and caring.

OP, when your Mother has moved too will have a shopping and cleaning service that she can tap into. There will also be cooked meals.

If it doesn't then she needs to move again to a place that does.

Its been a relief to hear your responses - thankyou no least because it’s allowed me to think about what my choices are in this. I wish that I could say I was looking forward to having her close - but I’m not and again thankuou that I didn’t get a roasting for this - it’s a relief to just acknowledge that. All through my life, childhood, and in the days when the children were young she was just not pleasant to be around. I would love to know what it means to feel loved, supported, nurtured and protected by a parent but I’ve never had that and it’s not going to come now.

I’m going to take on board not to start doing stuff that responds to that inner child yearning, as I think that will just be really bad for my mental well-being and more so become an expectation and then more and more. She’s moving because she’s at a time in her life where she needs more help and is worried about being so far away from anyone (before she was an 1.5hrs away from my sibling who is also low contact and 3.5hrs away from me).

This is what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed when older and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to enjoy the prime of their lives. This is often said on here, but I don’t think it’s necessarily true for the older generation. You scrimp and save so you can pass on something substantial to your children or to your grandchildren. So anything you spend on yourself on daily living tasks that you’ve been used to doing yourself is whittling away at your children’s inheritance. And that upsets yourself esteem.

Just choose what you're willing to do and don't deviate from it. There are resources out there to make life easier

I've been a sandwhich for about a year. Whatever level of contact you choose to have (I have a bet good relationship with DM and do all the domestic things you've been advised against!), please make sure you have time for yourself. I have a hobby that to do for about 2 hours a week, first thing on a Saturday. It gets me out, it refreshes my mind and body and I return mentally stronger to deal with everybody and everything.

She made the decision to move. She will have support as part of her 'accommodation'..
Nothing has to change in your relationship or contact with her.
If she is as malignant as you say people will soon suss her out.
You carry on as normal with the family you have who love you.
Stay strong.

Don't do anything rash. Have a few days to process and discuss with DH and decide what you want to do. You don't have to do anything and anything supportive or helpful you do today will be expected tomorrow. I'm not saying to not support her at all but decide what your boundaries are and what level of visiting/support you can sustain for the next few years and start as you mean to go on.

I have no idea what to do.

Don't panic, you do what you've been doing for years. You prioritise yourself, and have great boundaries.

Yes this is a shift in terms of her proximitiy and life stage, but just make sure you start as you mean to go on and don't set up routines that you're not going to be happy with continuing. If you're there and she starts to speak out of turn, stand up and get your coat on and say you must be off! You're close enough so you can pop in and pop out, when it suits you.

The accommodation set up should be fairly sociable, online shopping once a week, just continue the arms length, you did the hard work years ago going low contact initially.

I would follow suit, move without telling her 🤷
Easier said than done of course, she can't make decisions about your life and how you spend your time, you don't have to do anything different.

So she lived nearer your sibling before, they're low contact too and your DM has taken it upon herself to move very close to where you live without any discussion? In effect she has decided that you'll be the one on hand to help her in old age. A bit sneaky that! I imagine she'll be on the phone asking you to do all sorts of stuff so have a good think now about what you will and won't be prepared to do and communicate that to her. Perhaps help her out initially to sort things e.g online shopping but then step back.

Yep, much solidarity.

People look at these questions with their own experiences & if they have loving, warm, supportive parents, they don't really understand why this is such a scary prospect.

You can have boundaries but if they are trampled on & you're made to feel bad for even having them, it's really hard.

Distance really helps. Interestingly, my siblings are far closer but have much better boundaries. They remain low contact.

Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on talking to difficult parents is really good. Well worth a listen. 👍

A battle scarred sandwich veteran here- 15 years and counting. Brilliant advice here- come over to the cockroach cafe to meet like minded souls. Bad daughter bench is always busy but always room for more……good daughter room a bit dusty and empty.
it took cancer to shift the balance for me- please don’t follow suit.
Facilitate, don’t do…… cleaning/ shopping/ etc etc. and the longer elderlies can be independent the better.
Excellent advice re FOG. Manage expectations and DO NOT feel obliged due to others who have ideas about what you “ought” to do.

Do what you can while preserving your sanity and energy. We had this with DF, started LC and ended up NC as it was too emotionally and physically draining. There’s a lifelong backstory to why we went NC but I am an only child and wanted to do my best for DF so we did what we could for as long as we could. In the end it was damaging my marriage and harming DCs. Don’t rule out some counselling - the guilt is horrible but one thing I’ve learned from haunting the elderly threads on here for a long time is there are two tests for how much you can give to a parent in this position - firstly, were they a good parent to you? If not, you owe them nothing. Secondly, if you do choose to help, how can you give without harming your own life? Solidarity 💐

My tip:
Never do anything on the same day two weeks running. It is easy to accidentally set up an expectation that ‘We/you always do xxx on a yyyy’.

I visit my mum in a care home at competely random days and times.

It soon becomes irrelevant with dementia. Time sense goes very quickly.

And there is the counter argument that being able to look forward to the next visit is reassuring, and far preferable to them wondering whether when if ever they will see you again. I suspect a compromise of never setting a routine, but making a definite arrangement. It’s easier to cope with missing someone if you know when they will return.