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Elderly parents
Original poster

What should I charge

41 replies

Lotsofthingstoconsider · 01/03/2023 20:08

My dad is going to die in the next week..

My mum is 81 and before admission to hospital was v forgetful.. since being in hospital for 5 months appears b demented but am assured by hospital this is due to drugs and infection.. she should recover some cognitive coherence...

She will not be able to live alone.
I absolutely do not want her in a care home . That is my hard line.

I have 3 siblings (one is step but after 40 years that is irrelevant- she is my sister ) close family . Never any problems..

I have a bungalow (rented) I pay £1K a month rent .

I want mum to live with me so I can care for her. I am due to retire this year. My pension will be £7k.. but part time retirement so I will still earn £1200 a month ...

Mum in a care home will cost her £5k-6 A MONTH...

She inherited from dad as mirror wills and their house is worth £700k

We can buy my home for £425k... leaving enough for respite and daily care.. (she has a catheter ) probably once per day. My stepsister will step in twice a week (including overnight) otherwise it's all me.

I will be saving her estate a lot of money which will benefit the others .. they have asked how much they should pay me.

Mums income is £1450

I have no idea how to answer their question as I would want to do this even if there was no money . I do NOT want my mum in a care home...

An anyone advise .. I want a fair 'or even below fair' wage.. but I want something.. as I am saving them a fortune..

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 01/03/2023 21:31

I’d also consider moving into her house with her otherwise once she passes the other siblings will want to sell that house and where will that leave you?

homeless, no income and no job

regardless of where you live you will find yourself in the above position which is quite frankly dreadful

I mean what do your siblings expect you to do afterwards?

BeyondMyWits · 01/03/2023 21:32

My sister did not want my mother (vascular dementia) to go into a home, but she had to in the end after mum broke my niece's leg pushing her over a chair.

So the house my sister and kids lived in was sold from beneath them to pay for care fees anyhow.

Please take legal advice over any house purchase. Would make more sense to modify the house she owns to make it suitable for you all.

Original poster
Lotsofthingstoconsider · 01/03/2023 21:35

PermanentTemporary · 01/03/2023 20:47

I think you're a good daughter.

My first thought would be that your mother would do better and recover faster in her own home. Is there an option for you to give up your tenancy and move in with her instead?

How much care will she need? Is it realistic for you to work as well? You should be able to claim Attendance Allowance and perhaps other benefits. Can you simply become a full time carer? Get a quote for what that would cost and make that your starting point. Or alternatively do you want to be 'paid' in a greater share of the house?

I do think her buying your house is much more complicated. What is in your mother's will? Is her estate split between the four of you as siblings? What would happen when she dies?

I think you need legal advice and probably your siblings do too.

Yes we have considered that but a) my home is In unbelievably beautiful.. (whole family visits me because of this - not just nice but 'wow' .. )
b) a 50 minutes from work which I will need to attend every month..

c) it's my condition for looking after her.. I would rather pay rent then give up my home...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lotsofthingstoconsider · 01/03/2023 21:37

Sorry - massive drip feed .. I will only give up my home for one thing .. plan is to move on to a narrow boat - which mother will delay but happy to do .. I want her life /end of life to be happy/content .. when house needs to be sold I will do that .

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 01/03/2023 21:40

OK. In that case could your mum rent out her house, move in with you, and pay you the amount she receives in rent less the house bills, plus perhaps £1k of her pension? That way your rent is covered, you get a small amount on top of that, your mum still has spending money, and the legal situation is much more straightforward.

Original poster
Lotsofthingstoconsider · 01/03/2023 21:49

PermanentTemporary · 01/03/2023 21:40

OK. In that case could your mum rent out her house, move in with you, and pay you the amount she receives in rent less the house bills, plus perhaps £1k of her pension? That way your rent is covered, you get a small amount on top of that, your mum still has spending money, and the legal situation is much more straightforward.

That is extremely interesting..

The only interesting thing about my home is that it is from a pair of farm workers cottages... next door is fully developed and on the market last year for £1.05m .. to develop in same way would cost £345k.. so there is an investment/development opportunity that siblings are interested in...and tbh so am I ... even if mum lives 5 years/10 years or 6 months.. money cannot be discounted in this scenario because it will have such a massive effect on siblings ... it will allow 2 to get out of private renting and working into their 70s .. and pay of the mortgage of 2 others .. this has to be considered.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 01/03/2023 22:02

Money can't ever be ignored. However, if you are seriously contemplating selling your mother's house with a view to investing in yours, then you do need legal advice.

I can see why this looks fine - your mother's house would quickly be sold if she were going into a care home, and you have every intention of sharing the money according to her wishes after her death. However, it is still possible im afraid that despite all your efforts she may need more care than you can offer, at least for a short time, and will need to pay for it. It's also possible that something could go wrong with developing or selling your house. Dont get into a programme like this without legal advice.

Original poster
Lotsofthingstoconsider · 01/03/2023 22:05

PermanentTemporary · 01/03/2023 22:02

Money can't ever be ignored. However, if you are seriously contemplating selling your mother's house with a view to investing in yours, then you do need legal advice.

I can see why this looks fine - your mother's house would quickly be sold if she were going into a care home, and you have every intention of sharing the money according to her wishes after her death. However, it is still possible im afraid that despite all your efforts she may need more care than you can offer, at least for a short time, and will need to pay for it. It's also possible that something could go wrong with developing or selling your house. Dont get into a programme like this without legal advice.

I hear you.. I am 5/6 years through my law degree with the OU ... so have some idea of the issues but far from too proud to ask for advice ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lotsofthingstoconsider · 01/03/2023 22:06

percypercypercy · 01/03/2023 20:36

We can buy my home for £425k...

We?

Myself and sibling as POA for my mother

OP posts:
Mum5net · 01/03/2023 22:21

I disagree with posters who think you saving rent is reward enough.
if my DSis gave up her work to care for DM I’d also want her to get paid at least the minimum wage at 60 hrs per week. Care home is easily £5-6k a month and you are massively contributing towards your DM’s happiness. You aren’t just helping DM, but the wider family as well by being on the spot.

Original poster
Lotsofthingstoconsider · 01/03/2023 22:23

ditalini · 01/03/2023 21:03

Are you happy for your house to be sold to realise your siblings' inheritance when your mum dies?

If so, I think free rent and possibly your mum also paying bills would be enough compensation and keep things clear.

Actually to me this seems fair..

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 01/03/2023 22:59

I don't know if you posted before or another poster in similar circumstances Either way, my reply is the same
Get legal advice as buying property with someone else you'll be caring for is very complicated
Think very hard about your DM care needs The practical is very different from the theoretical

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2023 08:48

FallonofDynasty · 01/03/2023 20:33

I don't think you can pay yourself a wage from your mum's money. I would think it goes against LPA rules.

You can’t pay yourself for being an Attorney. You can spend money for her benefit, so it’s arguable that you might get away with the amount the Council would have to pay for the amount of care that they would provide, ie a max of 4 x 30min visits a day at about £15 per hour. But you should take advice on this.

Floralnomad · 02/03/2023 10:47

I think you are putting money ahead of your mothers needs , to me it reads like you and your siblings don’t want her going into a home because you can see it eating up your inheritance .

Toddlerteaplease · 02/03/2023 11:05

Think very carefully about this. You may het home and realise her needs are more than you can cope with. Are your siblings on board with helping care for her. There are worse things than residential care. If the fees are as high as £6k. Month. It suggests she has very high care needs.

Starseeking · 02/03/2023 12:36

I would have thought buying your house, rather than you moving into your DM's would mean you'd need to sell your house when your mother passes away to share an inheritance with your siblings.

Unless you have the cash to buy out their shares without having to sell, but that's not clear.

If that's not the case, even if you buy your house now, you will have to move from there anyway (which I understood you were keen to avoid).

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