Taking mum's car away

[SabrinaEvolutuon]

Has anyone been in this position? She drives to see dad in his care home every day. Her driving is bad and, we think, possibly dangerous. She has some sort of dementia and we're waiting for diagnosis. New large scratches and dents on car. Care home manager said she sometimes arrives in tears as she's so stressed about parking/finding a parking space. We can have a daily carer for 15 mins per day to book her taxis to and from dad. Local taxi firm wont do personal accounts. We have told her this is coming but she forgets everything. Any tips from anyone who has been in this position? Apologies for typos. Stressful day and I've had wine.

My DM was killed by an incompetent pensioner still driving.
He killed a young woman too and badly injured two others.
Didn't member anything about it.

Yes, it's pretty shocking what is actually allowed. How did you go about it though?

My colleague disconnected the battery of her father's car as he was convinced he was a safe driver. He wasn't and refused to give up his car. The car sat on the drive for months with everyone promising to fix it. Eventually he got used to taxi's and public transport.

Yes, I sold my Mums car. It was unfortunate as just as she admitted finding driving difficult, covid hit and of course she was reluctant to use public transport. Final straw was her losing the near side wing mirror and not knowing how it had happened.
I had to say to her she would never forgive herself and I couldn't live with myself if she injured someone.

You do if you think it's fine to wait until Sunday to do something.

Between now and Sunday she could kill someone. It's inexcusable to wait that long.

Can you get the carer to hide the keys. GP and DVLA no good as they can just advise.

You said you keep reminding her about the taxi but she keeps forgetting. We got this Amazon Exho Show for DM which has been so helpful. We can change the messages on it from our phones so she knows what’s happening. I would highly recommend it. She now has her photos on the left hand side and she can add things to her shopping list easily by just talking to it.

might something like that help? (Sorry, I know your thread was really about driving)

Great that you are being proactive. Perhaps you could say the car was broken and needed to go to the garage to be mended, then they are awaiting parts or found more things to fix, it’s going to cost thousands to get on the road etc etc. By the time you run out of excuses, she may well have got used to being chauffeured in a taxi and love it, or just forgotten about the car.

If the car just disappears, is there a chance she might make a police report?

I'm not sure that article is helpful - clearly the OP understands DM shouldn't be driving - that's the whole point of the thread.

Sounds like if you're moving the car you can use some of the helpful excuses above - telling her it's in the garage and reminding her she always gets a taxi to dad.

Sounds like you may have to consider her care (in a home) soon too? This is speaking from experience - my DF eventually couldn't be left on his own at all.

@SunshineAndFizz unfortunately it's the harsh reality of what happens, as is the horrendous same experience that @cptartapp has told above.
I am so sorry this happened to your family cptar

I appreciate this is hard to hear but you’ve posted for advice and you need to act now.
The keys need to be removed ASAP.
Between now and Sunday is a hell of a long time for something horrific to happen.

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I’d allowed my mum to continue driving, knowing how dangerous she was.

Something needs to be done now.

@EmmaEmerald we just did it because we knew she would never surrender either .. I have poa so just sold the car and sent back her licence .

There is an anonymous part of the dvla you can tell if someone is dangerous and they will investigate .. not sure what that looks like though

I didn't want blood on my hands so had to do something!

I had to stop my mum driving. She’s an alcoholic, and her mobility and balance were becoming affected by long-term alcohol abuse, and I was really worried that she would hurt somebody. I knew that I couldn’t have a reasonable conversation with my mum about it, so I wrote to her GP and explained my concerns. I then took my mum to a GP appointment and the doctor brought up the subject of driving. She basically took the blame, and said that she didn’t think my mum was safe behind the wheel, so was going to report her to the DVLA unless my mum voluntarily gave up her licence. She said mum could retake her driving test if she believed she was a competent driver - and of course mum didn’t want to do that, so agreed to return her licence. She still complains about not driving to this day - even though she now can’t walk unaided because of alcohol-related cerebellar ataxia, and has incontinence caused by alcoholic neuropathy. The relief I felt the day she stopped driving was immense. I hope you manage to stop your mum in the same way. It’s definitely for the best.

Sorry about your mum, @MrsFunnyFanny .

It must be hard to witness a decline like that, brought on by alcohol.

Will the carer wait until she's in the taxi? Will the home help to do it from the other end so she gets home safely. Even though we have been there we were in the position where she had someone who could keep an eye on her and drive her places etc. she snuck out and went missing a couple of times on foot and we started to lock the door from the inside. She was never alone but like a kid you could be in the kitchen and she could be off. It's a very stressful time all round

DMum was similar with the car. She'd always been an anxious driver and found it stressful but was careful etc. One of the reasons we looked for a diagnosis (she was young) was that she wasn't getting to or finding her destination and coming home then had a very minor accident coming out of the drive. It wasn't the accident itself but the way she handled it or rather didn't handle it that rang alarm bells. We took the car, keys and informed the DVLA. Telling the DVLA was just really to update their records and because you are supposed to do it. We told them that she had dementia and that the car was being sold. I can't remember if we returned licence or destroyed it. Telling them wasn't about dobbing mum in or having an impact on whether she drove.

I had to convince my father to give up driving a few years ago. He is also an alcoholic and has copd.

He had a neighbour who helped him often and this neighbours car broke down and he had no money for another one. So we gave my fathers car to the neighbour and in return he gave my father a lift every now and then. It was arrangement which made all parties happy😊

We let a tyre down and claimed we didn't know how to fix it..... :( Wasn't nice but less confrontational than taking keys away and got my gran off the road removing the very real danger she was clearly posing to others.