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Elderly parents
Original poster

Taking mum's car away

44 replies

SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 19:19

Has anyone been in this position? She drives to see dad in his care home every day. Her driving is bad and, we think, possibly dangerous. She has some sort of dementia and we're waiting for diagnosis. New large scratches and dents on car. Care home manager said she sometimes arrives in tears as she's so stressed about parking/finding a parking space. We can have a daily carer for 15 mins per day to book her taxis to and from dad. Local taxi firm wont do personal accounts. We have told her this is coming but she forgets everything. Any tips from anyone who has been in this position? Apologies for typos. Stressful day and I've had wine.

OP posts:
plantarfun · 27/02/2023 19:21

Remove her car keys to protect the public and her from the guilt of harming/killing someone.
Then deal with the fallout. If you explain sympathetically she probably won't mind too much especially if she can still go wherever she needs to without the stress.

Hairyfairy01 · 27/02/2023 19:27

You can report concerns to the dvla. However have you tried to have an honest chat?

helpfulperson · 27/02/2023 19:28

I would focus heavily on the carer coming to book at taxi and not mention the not driving. So anytime she mentions driving you say 'but you get a taxi to see Dad'. Is the carer there when the taxi arrives or does she forget a taxi is booked and drive? it might also be worth paying more for another firm that will do a regular booking, hopefully with a regular driver. Sometimes it's just about establishing new routines

and if necessary take the spark plugs out of the car.

Original poster
SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 19:30

Yes we've chatted about it but she forgets everything. We will take the car and the keys on Sunday. If the car stays there she will think she's lost her keys. No need to involve DVLA.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/02/2023 19:31

plantarfun · 27/02/2023 19:21

Remove her car keys to protect the public and her from the guilt of harming/killing someone.
Then deal with the fallout. If you explain sympathetically she probably won't mind too much especially if she can still go wherever she needs to without the stress.

This, I'd rather deal with the fall out of her being unhappy than her killing someone. Was there not a recent case where a driver mounted the pavement and killed a woman and baby, got off with diminished responsibility due to reduced capacity.

Original poster
SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 19:32

helpfulperson · 27/02/2023 19:28

I would focus heavily on the carer coming to book at taxi and not mention the not driving. So anytime she mentions driving you say 'but you get a taxi to see Dad'. Is the carer there when the taxi arrives or does she forget a taxi is booked and drive? it might also be worth paying more for another firm that will do a regular booking, hopefully with a regular driver. Sometimes it's just about establishing new routines

and if necessary take the spark plugs out of the car.

The car will be gone. We only have one local taxi firm. Will use the "but you get a taxi to see dad" line, as she drives nowhere else. Just thinks she does.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/02/2023 19:34

Sorry my story wrong, she made a wrong manoeuvre and the baby was killed, mother badly injured www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2022/08/12/driver-75-cleared-over-baby-boys-death-due-to-undiagnosed-dementia-17175557/amp/

But you are doing right thing taking car keys.

Original poster
SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 20:05

I don't need to read that.

OP posts:
Crazycatlady83 · 27/02/2023 20:09

We sat my DGranddad down and had a chat with him, and took the car away straight afterwards. He was fine after a couple of days / weeks - got used to the taxi or getting lifts. Could you book a taxi for the same time everyday for a week after the car is taken away just to get her used to the idea?

Original poster
SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 20:11

A carer will book a taxi every day for her. Think we'll just tell her last minute too. Otherwise she'll bbe upset every time it comes up as she won't remember.

OP posts:
ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 27/02/2023 20:12

Agreed - take the keys, and the car too, if you can.
You will deal with any fallout. White lies as required.
Been there with FIL.
Sending strength.

Moonicorn · 27/02/2023 20:12

SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 19:30

Yes we've chatted about it but she forgets everything. We will take the car and the keys on Sunday. If the car stays there she will think she's lost her keys. No need to involve DVLA.

Christ she cannot be on the road another day, let along nearly a week. You need to tell DVLA. And read that story above - this is the reality of what happens when people like your mum aren’t stopped. How soon can you get over there to take the keys?

Viviennemary · 27/02/2023 20:13

I agree with taking the keys. You could try contacting her GP.,really but she must be stopped from driving immediately. There really isn't time to wait while you make reports. Or you could contact the police if you are unable to stop her from driving. You are obviously very concerned and you are taking action. Get those keys. She must not get behind the wheel again.

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2023 20:14

SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 20:05

I don't need to read that.

But it's the absolutely horrific reality of what happens.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 27/02/2023 20:16

If you’re talking about taking the keys on Sunday I think you do need to read it. The keys need to be taken now.

northernlola · 27/02/2023 20:19

So she's ok to drive between now and Sunday? No, she's not. Please take the keys.

Original poster
SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 20:21

Not making reports and not contacting the dvla. Can't get there till Sunday to take the keys.

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 27/02/2023 20:23

Why not?

chelle0 · 27/02/2023 20:23

If you can't get there, ask the carer to hide the keys. Your mum could easily kill someone. That's the reality. And you are enabling that.

Original poster
SabrinaEvolutuon · 27/02/2023 20:24

I can act quicker than the dvla.

OP posts:
My3cents1 · 27/02/2023 20:25

So, some form of dementia and you think she’s dangerous driving. Ya think? Why are you even considering letting her drive until Sunday? She needs to never be behind the wheel. It might be hard for her to understand and she might give you a difficult time but it’s far better than her killing someone causing life changing injuries.

FinallyHere · 27/02/2023 20:25

We had this with my mother. DSis tried to persuade DM to stop driving. I went online and on DM's behalf, did the voluntarily giving up licence process.

When DM got the 'thank you for surrendering your licence' letter, she assumed the GP had shopped her.

Seemed reasonable to me.
Good luck.

Madcats · 27/02/2023 20:25

Giving you a virtual hug because you are doing the right thing. Luckily my mother did realise that she should stop driving (which coincided with her driving my brother to somewhere when he was over from abroad). She was paying a lot of money for insurance and I think her taxis were far cheaper.

The "we don't do accounts" thing from the local taxi co is frustrating, but could you/carer book in advance and pay?

In terms of the car, maybe it has a flat tyre or somebody has stolen it. Or perhaps it has just gone to the garage to have a service and they said they would send a taxi?

Good luck, but she really shouldn't be on the roads.

EmmaEmerald · 27/02/2023 20:27

northernlola · 27/02/2023 20:19

So she's ok to drive between now and Sunday? No, she's not. Please take the keys.

Yes
how far away is she?

boboshmobo · 27/02/2023 20:31

I have a situation with my mum . I called the dvla and was told you can keep driving with dementia .. absolute madness !

I have sold her car and sent back her licence but she is furious and wants it all back . I called to make sure that won't happen and was very surprised by the above info !!!