Dementia and Broken Hip

[WhereAreMyAirpods]

Dad has had dementia for around 5 years now and has deteriorated fairly rapidly over the last 18 months or so. Had a call from mum late yesterday afternoon, he'd had a fall, couldn't get up. Ambulance was called (and arrived quickly), DH and I dropped everything and jumped in the car - we are 2 hours away. Long story short is that Dad has broken his hip and needs an operation today.

Surgeon was careful to stress the risks of such a major operation in a man who is weeks from his 79th birthday. Mum wasn't really taking that in. I got the impression that they are expecting Dad to be in for weeks. He was very confused in the hospital, did recognise me when I arrived but was extremely agitated, shouty.

Not really sure what I am asking here. Anyone else had a parent go through similar? I'm not sure he'll ever be well enough to return home to be honest, the mobility issues coupled with the dementia might be just too much for my mum.

Not awful or selfish at all OP!
We were in the same situation, some people call it the Sandwich Stage. When your elderly parents need you but you have children/teenagers who need you, and a job! It's really really really hard. And when there is distance in the mix, even harder.
My In laws lived a 6 hour drive away so my DH spent months away whilst this was happening, and stayed at home and kept things ticking over with DC and home life.
We are lucky to be self employed so we could make that work.

Dad is through surgery which is the first hurdle. Thanks to all for support and suggestions.

So pleased to hear this. here's wishing your dad a speedy recovery.

Good to hear - hope he is recovering well. All the best to your family

Physical recovery is one thing, the dementia is quite another. He was better when we saw him last night, still confused and ranting on about bad people - at one stage he pointed straight at me and said loudly "and SHE'S the naughty one" which made mum laugh but he was only a few hours post surgery and dosed up to the eyeballs.

We are trying to slowly bring Mum around to the idea that he might not be able to come home for a long time, if at all.

My mum aged 89 who has fairly bad dementia, fell at home and broke her hip a few months ago. She was discharged straight to a nursing home as thankfully the hospital said she didn't have capacity to decide any more (she'd previously refused most forms of help and wasn't safe at home and it was a relief that someone finally listened).

If he is able to engage with rehab/physio that will be very important - mum lost muscle condition very quickly in hospital and wasn't able to walk when discharged.

Last time I visited her in the care home I was amazed that she could just about use a walking frame as previously she had always been in a wheelchair and I thought I would never see her walk again. We were warned by the hospital that she wouldn't have much stamina so things that she could previously do (simple cooking, putting a ready meal in the oven, stand up wash at the basin etc.) would be impossible without help as she wouldn't be able to stand for very long even with a frame. She is also high falls risk and nursing home is definitely the best environment for her as we were worried she would fall again, and she has done a few times because she doesn't understand that she's not supposed to walk without a carer present.

Is he on morphine post op? That might be making him delusional on top of the dementia.

Good luck, it's an awfully stressful thing to have to go through. The best you can do is try to get your mum to be realistic about the situation, depending on how much progress he makes with mobility and whether his dementia worsens.

Thanks @Nixer . Saw Dad again at around 5 this evening and he was much improved even on this morning. Still not communicating well but able to respond "water" when I asked him whether he wanted juice or water to drink, facial expressions are all there with the eye rolling at mum's jokes and he was able to respond yes/no to simple questions about if he was cold or whether he wanted another blanket. Our visit coincided with teatime and although his facial expressions about not wanting the pasta were very clear, he wolfed down the dessert which mum fed to him.

There is a bit of delirium there but the staff aren't concerned, and he's improving slowly. Mum is coming round to the idea that this is not a quick fix and that if he is to come home, she is going to have to accept carers and help. She is now accepting the fact that she's in hospital and in a strange way feeling liberated from the constant responsibility of being a carer. She has planned a coffee with some of the 79 year old "girls" she was at school with, and I'm taking her for lunch tomorrow after visiting Dad.

@WhereAreMyAirpods
We are a bit further along this journey than you.
Mum fell at Christmas (care home) and was admitted and despite our best efforts she's still in hospital 2months down the line.
Hospital staff said all the right things to start off with but we soon realised words never turned into actions.
Her injuries are healed but due to her prolonged hospital stay and some crappy care she's got increased needs which everyone seems to be arguing about.
Her reablement hasn't really been addressed despite loads of promises (and statements that's she's getting care she isn't)
If we weren't there everyday there is a good chance she wouldn't get fed. She's lost her continence as they "haven't the staff to take her to the toilet", they often don't get her up.
The level of 'care' isn't there .
Care home will only take her back for a temporary trial so we need a back up nursing place - these are hard to get there are waiting lists
Her needs assessment hasn't taken place and they won't follow their own discharge policy.
We are had loads of meetings, emails, calls and my brother and I are broken.
We really want her to go back to her care home (she still thinks of it as home and is desperate to go home and be with her fiends) with the appropriate support but getting that organised is a nightmare.
Money isn't an issue as we sold her house last year and the funds are there
Neither of us live close so it's a real strain but we think we are just going to have to move her to a new place (probably closer to one of us) and manage the difficulties that will cause.
I'm intelligent, capable and understand the system (my DH is a dr) but I'm broken by the whole experience.
I don't want to put a downer on your experience but do want you to be proactive in getting the support your dad needs as I'd hate for you to end up where we are.
Mums social worker/ drs / care home all seem to be very good at making promises and not following through with them.

Arghh - She lives with friends not fiends, sorry

My mums 76

We found, with the SW, if you offered to give care they would let you do it all. We had to step back and say we couldn’t do anything, then they stepped up and did their job.

@wonkylegs I hear you. I have literally just had this convo with my brother. 2 and a bit weeks on and Dad is still in hospital, in the same ward. Still not walking. Still not even standing unassisted. Dementia deteriorating. Brother and I are both of the opinion that Dad might not ever be able to go home. Mum's not quite there yet but is also very much aware that she physically cannot do the caring. It's very difficult. Sending you hugs and solidarity.

Just popping back to update.

It's now 3 weeks since dad had his fall, broke his hip, and was admitted to the hospital. He's still there.

Saw him today, being in hospital and away from everything he recognises has most definitely hastened the dementia. He is sleeping poorly and frequently falls into a deep sleep post-lunch when we visit. It's looking increasingly unlikely that he will be able to return home, not because of the hip/mobility, but because of the speed of deterioration of the dementia.

It's so sad. Dementia is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I’m so sorry to read your update. It was sadly the same for us.. If they get delirium, it’s even worse.
A frail but mentally sound old person can be supported at home but all bets are off with dementia.

I'm really sorry to hear your update, it's so hard isn't it. Mums still in hospital but we are hopefully negotiating some final stages to get her moved but everything moves so slowly.
We have found 2 homes that have been positive about re-enabling people with dementia after a long hospital stay and I've met their residents (told by the hospital that this was just how they would be now) who have had positive rehab (not completely back to where they were but much better prognosis than the hospitals gave) - lots of effort on the homes part I think and very resident centred care.
We are hoping this will help mum.

Another really sad update from me unfortunately. Dad died in the hospital just over 4 weeks after being admitted. His dementia was most definitely a huge factor although not stated on the death certificate. He fell twice in hospital trying to get out of bed, forgetting he had a broken hip. He managed to pull out his catheter about three times, same with his cannula. The repeated trauma of pulling out the catheter led to infection in his kidneys and multiple organ failure. He would not / could not cooperate with the physio staff and was quite shouty and aggressive which is a side we hadn't seen before. I don't think he even knew he was in hospital.

So at the end, we had a hard conversation with a lovely consultant about keeping him comfortable and letting him go. Very tough on mum, but I think in her heart of hearts she would prefer him to go like this than potentially live on for several more years, increasing distressed, incontinent and not recognising anyone or anything.

Thank you all on this thread and the forum in general, your shared experiences were of great comfort.

So sorry about your dad, OP. I think you took wise advice from the consultant.

Thank you Dahlia. It very much helped that sibling and I were on the same page when it came to what was best, as Mum is not great at decisions at the best of times, and certainly not when it's about something so serious.

It's all been quite a surreal time. I have not been particularly upset or grief-stricken by his passing, I think it's because I "lost" my real dad to dementia several years ago and have had all that time to come to terms with it.

@WhereAreMyAirpods
With had this with uncle Bill
No dementia but a sad way to go.

For your family

I hope you'll get the space now to remember who he really was.

I'm so very sorry to read your update x

I’m so sorry to read this but as you say he wasn’t the dad you remember from before the dementia. I hope the memories come back quickly now you can properly grieve.

Growing old is a privilege only if you’re mentally well.

Take care of yourself. x

So sorry for your loss.
He's at peace now.
Take the time to process things and reflect on your lives together before he got ill.
All the best. So many kind and sound words on this thread.

So sad to hear of your loss x

@WhereAreMyAirpods
So sorry to hear your update but it's good that he is now at peace.
Dementia is a cruel disease to not only those who have it but those around them and loss is drawn out for such a long time.
I completely understand the surrealism you are feeling, I feel it all the time. Glad your sibling is there with you and you can be there for your mum. X