DM refusing to go to hospital appointment

[JenniferBooth]

I had no idea until Saturday night that it was a cardiologist appointment. She also cancelled an appointment back in December but i dont know exactly what that one was for. She fell at the top of the stairs last September and broke her hip. Spent just under two weeks in hospital. Refuses to get a stairlift put in and crawls up the stairs. Shes 87 this month. She lives with my dad who is also 87 this year and my niece who is in her 20s also lives there.

We have stopped doing stuff, just to be around in an emergency. I am beginning to think it's a mistake. But for me, its probably a bit of fog.

It does feel like we are the emergency plan, without consultation.

Siblings are off on long holidays & wondering why we don't do similar.

I remember being at this stage with my late father. He was determined to do everything his way but then assumed I would be on constant call to pick him off the floor, phone for an ambulance or rush him to A&E with no thought to the fact that I was juggling a job and my own family responsibilities. A few days after he died, in hospital following a fall, I fancied drinking a can of cider in the evening. Immediately the little voice in the back of my head said, should you, you may need to drive to Dad's or A&E then I remembered he was gone that was the moment I realised I had not had a drink for years without feeling guilty about compromising my ability to rush off at any moment and although I was grieving I still felt relief that that responsibility had gone.
I think all you can do is give your DM as much of your time as you think reasonable and make it clear that she is responsible for her actions and that you cannot always be available to pick up the pieces.

My MIL was the same, she would go to the doctor who would arrange tests, then she would cancel them. She also had a hip replacement after falling, which she did slowly recover from, but lost a lot of confidence. Her last hospital appointment for a scan was on a Saturday afternoon and she rang us lunchtime to say she just couldn’t go. I told her, the first time ever, that she was being selfish and needed to know what was wrong with her and that it was too late for them to get someone to take her place, but nothing worked. Unfortunately you cannot make her attend.

This happened with my nan towards the end of her life. She had various health issues and was very cantankerous when it came to going to her myriad appointments. Things finally came to a head when she and I were talking on the phone one day and she mentioned she'd had a fall that morning and had had 'a little sleep' afterwards, but hadn't sought any medical attention.

I called her GP who in turn called my nan, and long story short my nan was furious with me. I was furious with her for being, in my opinion at the time, reckless and selfish, and she was furious with me for being interfering and disrespectful of her autonomy.

After we had both calmed down we had a talk and it turned out she had had enough. She had so many things wrong with her, and she would turn up to appointments with no idea what part of her they were going to be poking and prodding and what was going to happen. Some of the appointments involved distressing or painful procedures, and she just didn't want to do it any more. She didn't want people coercing her, or attempting to bribe her (as someone suggested unthread) into attending appointments she didn't want to go to. She wanted her views and opinions regarding her own body to be respected, not for people deciding that they knew best.

Ok, from your updates it sounds like she has form for doing this throughout her life rather than it being an old age or dementia thing.
What's the issue with your birthday? If something happens your dad and or niece will deal with it, she's not living alone. Why do you need to be there?