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Elderly parents
Original poster

DM refusing to go to hospital appointment

30 replies

JenniferBooth · 12/02/2023 22:45

I had no idea until Saturday night that it was a cardiologist appointment. She also cancelled an appointment back in December but i dont know exactly what that one was for. She fell at the top of the stairs last September and broke her hip. Spent just under two weeks in hospital. Refuses to get a stairlift put in and crawls up the stairs. Shes 87 this month. She lives with my dad who is also 87 this year and my niece who is in her 20s also lives there.

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 12/02/2023 22:47

Unfortunately, if she is mentally fit she can cancel anything she likes. I know it's hard to watch them deteriorate and not do "the right thing" but she is allowed to make bad decisions .

SadMadGlad · 12/02/2023 22:50

You have to convince her to go. Get everyone else on board and you all work together to get her to go. It shouldn't all be on you. Bribe her if you need to! Could you go to the appointment with her? Would that help?

SadMadGlad · 12/02/2023 22:52

When I say bribe her, I mean do whatever she wants to do for a day or something similar 😃

Original poster
JenniferBooth · 12/02/2023 23:20

It doesnt work She just shouts that shes not going.

OP posts:
carpool · 13/02/2023 00:13

I'd want to find out why she doesn't want to go. Is she frightened and if so what of? Perhaps try to gently tease out what her issue is and maybe offer to go with her and advocate for her. As has been mentioned if she has capacity you can't force her and trying will probably just make her dig her heels in even more. You will be more likely to persuade her with encouragement and kindness.

SadMadGlad · 13/02/2023 06:38

@JenniferBooth I'm so sorry. It must be so stressful for you but I just lost my mother (a month ago now) because she was also too scared to go to the doctor. If we just got her there we could have had years with her! Please keep trying.

EmmaEmerald · 14/02/2023 00:48

Hi

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

Has your mum seen a cardiologist before?

My mum refused the most recent appointment, but that's because she knows what her options are, apart from pills, and doesn't want any procedures. Is it possible your mum is refusing because of something similar?

Re the stairs, how did your mum manage when she broke her hip?

AnnaMagnani · 14/02/2023 10:31

If she doesn't want to go, and understands the risks, you can't make her.

TBH if she doesn't understand you probably can't make her either - but that would imply she is quite unwell and there may be limited benefit to the appointment.

At 87 she may have different priorities to you, which is hard as a DD but is her right.

Sucessinthenewyear · 14/02/2023 10:33

Does she go anywhere? Is she afraid of leaving the house or going into hospital? Has she had help from OT?

Nixer · 14/02/2023 13:44

If she's deemed to have capacity there's not a great deal you can do. You could raise concerns (on both the appointment refusal and the stairs) by writing to her GP which might trigger them to get her in under some pretext and try and find out why she doesn't want to go. GP won't be able to discuss with you though unless your mum has consented to that. If you or the GP were to ask social services for a care needs assessment would she co operate with that? I do sympathise, it's really stressful when their capacity is borderline and they just refuse everything.

ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 14/02/2023 13:51

My dad was the same and ultimately it lead to his untimely death. I had spent years arguing with him. Then one day I decided it was his choice and we could either argue or get along. He died at 65. He didn't take the advice about his health so I partly have to accept he knew his risks and didn't care to change. The reasons was his to make. Now my mum is doing the same. I find asking and begging and worrying is making me sick.

Welfast · 14/02/2023 13:55

FIL did the same at the end. He had always been secretive about his health and decided he wanted to die straight after Christmas one year. He refused all further hospital or GP appointments and his organs packed up 2 months later. He had known he was in kidney failure apparently but told nobody.

jitteryquick · 14/02/2023 15:39

It's really hard, OP. All you can do is try and find out why your mum is refusing to go, and see if you can calm any anxiety she may have about it and support her to make choices. Ultimately it's her decision if she has capacity, however misguided you think that decision is.

Original poster
JenniferBooth · 14/02/2023 20:18

Thanks for the replies. DM has been doing this for years. In 1989 she had a stomach ache which she refused to see the GP about which turned out to be appendicitis She said she was going for a lie down one Sunday afternoon and i found her rolling around the bed moaning and crying Her appendix had burst. I was 16 at the time. I called an ambulance. She just will not do it We have tried everything over the years. Persuasion cajoling begging everything

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 14/02/2023 22:43

Jennifer so what's the deal at the mo? What sort of benefit would she derive from the appointment?

I'm kind of thinking an 87 year has to be quite strong to crawl upstairs. How does she get downstairs?

Cuppasoupmonster · 14/02/2023 22:44

At 87, I would leave her to it.

TheShellBeach · 14/02/2023 22:46

OP I wouldn't worry about this at 87.

Fizzadora · 14/02/2023 23:09

My parents are 87. Mum is OK but she does come downstairs backwards as she can't see the edge of the stairs with her stupid bifocal glasses. Dad is falling over a lot. I had a massive row with him before Christmas after his third fall in the early evening when he's had two massive glasses of Scotch which he won't give up. Told him if he's going to carry on drinking he's not allowed to do anything afterwards (like have a shower because he slips or climb a ladder - I kid you not) as we are sick of sitting and waiting for hours in A&E. So far he hasn't actually broken anything so they just send him home again.
They both have DNR's in place with a note on the wall just inside the front door. They are both fed up now and have pretty much had enough. They may enjoy another summer as they are both great gardeners but they have been so fed up through the winter. 3 of Mum's aunties lived to well over 100 and Dad says a gypsy once told him he'd live to 92 so they might be around for a while yet.
With strong hearts, no signs of cancer and having had pneumonia jabs there's not much to take them.
Dad's always at the GP's but Mum soldiers on.

Wombats67 · 14/02/2023 23:09

Yep, we have this. Mil doesn't really have capacity but it's impossible to get her to appointments.

Fil gatekeeps & won't really let us in to help, so it's difficult.

We've now expressed our concerns to the GP. Not a lot else we can do, it's really difficult.

Original poster
JenniferBooth · 14/02/2023 23:17

Hi @EmmaEmerald She gets downstairs by walking backwards.

OP posts:
spacechimp79 · 14/02/2023 23:24

What is it you're wanting the cardiologist to say or do? I would just let her make her own choices, she is 87 after all.

Original poster
JenniferBooth · 14/02/2023 23:34

I agree that she should be able to make her own choices.

Its my 50th in June and i may want to do or book something......im not sure yet as its four months away but if i am away i may not be able to get back if something goes wrong

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/02/2023 23:38

JenniferBooth · 14/02/2023 23:34

I agree that she should be able to make her own choices.

Its my 50th in June and i may want to do or book something......im not sure yet as its four months away but if i am away i may not be able to get back if something goes wrong

What do you mean, OP?
Is something more likely to go wrong if your mother doesn't go to a cardiology appointment? Honestly, at the age of 87 she should be treated holistically.

Maybe try and get her an OT home assessment, to see if any aids can be recommended for her - but her attending clinic appointments at her age, especially if she doesn't want to, is really not going to change things medically.

magicthree · 14/02/2023 23:49

Another one who thinks that at 87 she is allowed to make her own choices regarding her health. I understand that it must be worrying, but people often do get to a stage where they don't want any medical intervention.

EmmaEmerald · 15/02/2023 00:01

JenniferBooth · 14/02/2023 23:34

I agree that she should be able to make her own choices.

Its my 50th in June and i may want to do or book something......im not sure yet as its four months away but if i am away i may not be able to get back if something goes wrong

Is she unhappy about you wanting to go away, or is it that you're worried?

I understand either way, but I'm not clear how the cardiology appointment impacts it, or what the expectations are from the appointment.