Elderly parent demands

[Munches]

Hi all. I’m not sure if I am being unreasonable or mean. I’d be interested in hearing perspectives.

I am very fortunate in that both my elderly parents are around. I have two children and my parents don’t live too far away. Parents absolutely adore the children and love to see them as much as possible. They’d see them all the time if they could.

I do not rely on my elderly parents for any help. I manage alone when my husband works and also suffer terribly with mental illness. My
mum is very slightly aware of this but my Dad has no clue. Neither would I want them to know this for various reasons.

My parents do not have any friends. My two brothers and I are their entertainment sources and between us we try to see our parents regularly. I was brought up in a stifling environment and it was very isolated.

Currently we do try to see my parents around once a week. I love to see them but mentally cannot sometimes see them ( as I do not feel very well) but I do speak to them every day on the phone.

This weekend for example, we have not seen them. The children have colds and I do not feel great myself. This has caused anguish and upset as they were expecting to see us.

I have said that I just want to relax at home with the children today and they will see them during half term and if the children feel better, they will see them tomorrow.

I have just had an awkward phone conversation with my Mum and she said that I need help as I am alone with the children at the moment and also that they love to see them. I get that. But I don’t ask for help. The children are older- they aren’t babies and I find I end up caring more for both my parents and the children. I feel like I am expected to fulfill demands and I am bad not doing that.

I just want to focus on my children for the moment and myself. I’ve been in a very dark place lately and I need to do what is best for us.

AIBU ?

Are you asking if you are unreasonable to cancel a plan you had to see your parents because you and the children are unwell? If that is the case then of course you are not being unresaonble

Do the kids enjoy seeing their grandparents?

Always remember you are important too. Try not to be railroaded into things.

Thank you, I feel very much rail roaded into doing what makes them happy. We see them as much as possible. I can’t always do it and lately I have been putting us first . Feel guilty for that.

The children love to see their grandparents but not all the time.

Also, to add there was no plan to see them today.

Yanbu to listen to yourself and do what’s right for you. Don’t let your mum guilt trip you into seeing her instead.

How old are the children? How old are your parents? Is there no possibility they could take them out to the park/whatever age appropriate place and let you rest up? You say you don't rely on them for help which is fine but if they're willing to help and they can do it out of the house so it's actually useful, you might find it a good thing?

If your family is ill - best you all stay home and relax and recover.

Don’t accept what other people think is best for you - only YOU know this - and if the kids are feeling shabby, YOU know what’s best for them.

Guilt from family can be a pain. Just say no. And decline their intrusions at times when you know it’s for their benefit not yours.

The nice thing about guilt - you dont have to accept it. Tell them you feel rubbish and you’ll be back in touch when you feel better. If they send texts - just don’t engage. Or repeat - “we’re ill - chat to you when we feel better to arrange something”. Then just ignore the texts for a few days. Don’t read them.

You take care of you first, then you take care of your kids next, then if you can, help your parents. You know your limits. If you break, everything falls apart - which is why you do your first.

You need to put yourself first.

Your children need you well.

Nothing is more important than that.

Certainly not your parents.

They have made their choices.

It sounds utterly stifling to be their sole entertainment and being guilted for not being available.

This must contribute to your poor mental health.

Stop seeing so much of them and stop calling every day.

Your priorities are your children and your health.

Take some space for yourself.

I don't think you should be calling them everyday.

This is far too much.

They sound like they are sucking the life out of you.

Some people can be onto their parents everyday joyfully because of the relationship they have, but yours seems to be largely obligation and that is smothering you.

Mind yourself.

I'm very intrigued by your use of two words in your first post OP: 'upset' and 'anguish'. Do you think those are acceptable or even normal emotional responses to have when your daughter cancels a regular weekend visit with you because her children are ill and they need to rest?

I don't know but I can imagine your MH struggles are probably related to always feeling you have to please your parents or to fit in with their wishes at the expense of your own needs and wellbeing. It's hard to change the way you think about things if they're very ingrained. But please try and put yourself first sometimes and tell yourself that your needs are valid and that it is not you but your parents that are being unreasonable

Your parents sound exhausting with that level of clinging and neediness. If it was up to you, what sort of relationship with them would you want? Do you really want to talk with them every day and see them in person every week, or would you rather it be far less often? It sounds like you have never allowed yourself to have a separate life away from them.

This

You say you were brought up in a stifling environment - well they're still stifling you. It's not at all unreasonable to cancel now and then for good reason. For them to feel "anguish" because of it is ridiculous. It isn't your fault that they have nothing else in their lives.
They sound absolutely suffocating. Daily phone calls is OTT.

Thank you for your replies. There was no plan today to see them . All week last week I repeatedly said that they can see the children during half term week and that it was highly unlikely we would see them this weekend.
My Dad is very demanding and puts his needs first. He was miffed today when I said we want going over for lunch as he had invited us on Friday. I was polite- said no thank you, that I had a lunch already bought for us that I will make and that we will see them tomorrow.

I feel so guilty and it causes me so much stress. It is hard enough as a family without feeling guilty for them not seeing the children this weekend.
I said this to my Mum- she said “ it’s to help you” but that would just be for food as they have mobility issues so cannot really take the children far.

I read somewhere recently that the family you come from is important- but that the family that you create is your priority.

I feel shitty today as it is and anxiety already through the roof.

Massively stifling upbringing, yes.

How old are your parents?

It’s really bad that they don’t have any friends and are relying on you and your brothers to entertain them. This will only get worse as they grow older and more needy.

They should seek some entertainment outside the family. There are lots of interest groups, community events for elderly and get togethers.

They need some frank talk about how you can’t meet their demands as it severly clashes with your family life.

You can see that your dad puts his needs first (actually his wants, not needs). Surely you can therefore see that you have nothing to feel guilty for. They have no right to expect you to centre your life around what they want, that's a fact.

Your parents are destroying your mental health.

They sound like bullys.

Have you thought of counselling or moving?

I would be looking at moving a bit away so that you can avoid them.

The relationship sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.

I have an old friend who had parents like you.

Her father died 10 years ago and her mother finally died two years ago.

She feels nothing but relief and freedom.....at 58!

She was guilted her whole life as an only child.

You need to seek counsel to help you put real distance between you.

They sound awful.

They’re very sweet and they are actually very kind. But it’s more the fact that they want to see the children constantly- and I find it really stressful. I have told them it is not always possible to see them- my Dad thinks I’m being ‘ selfish’ ( even though he’s not said that aloud) and from his comments I feel that he sees it that I rarely take the children out, which is utter bollocks.

It is OK to say NO !

It is OK to say, no this does not work for me this day/week/date/time

But the guilt is crazy. I feel like a terrible person and a terrible daughter.

I am just about holding myself together in all seriousness and have to take like one day at a time. Literally.

I could never and have never told them about my struggles mentally and I find this just an additional pressure that I really do not want.

What age are they ?
Could they not join some social groups or go out a bit more by themselves?
Maybe it's time to tell them that you are struggling and you want your visits to be enjoyable and you find the constant expectation too much, so you need to cut down for now.

As the children get older they will not want to see their grandparents as often. Even once a week would be a stretch for most teens. They want to be out with their mates etc.
I think you are doing the right thing. Setting boundaries in place now so that your children aren’t guilted in the same way you are.
It’s ok to say no and put yourself first. Even if your parents are wonderful kind people it’s still ok to not see them as often and especially if you’re not well.
They cannot use you and your siblings as their only entertainment then be upset when you aren’t available. They need to find a life outside of you

OP

You are challenging and changing what is established practice in your family dynamics. That is going to cause disruption and anger, it's going to feel awkward and wrong - not because it is but because it's new - and you are going to question whether you are right, or even if you have the right, to do this.

But you are absolutely allowed to do this. You are allowed to establish boundaries and enforce them. You've started small - by not jumping to enable your parents on this one occasion. Sit with it and try not to let your anxiety (which is the part of your brain that doesn't want to rock the boat, that wants to stay with the status quo even when it's not what you want or need) drive you backwards.

They’re very sweet and they are actually very kind. This is your lifelong conditioning talking. Have a read on the "But We Took You To Stately Homes" thread in relationships if you want to understand this. If they were genuinely sweet and kind then they would listen to you, and support you in the way that you are asking to be supported. Not imposing their own version of 'support' (which benefits them) onto you. And if it were true, then you would be able to share your mental health struggles with them, knowing that they will accept and support you unconditionally. Your parents don't sound particularly sweet or kind to me, they sound pretty selfish tbh. And you are so used to making excuses for their behaviour, this is what you are doing now.

Where are your siblings with this? Do you share / talk / confide in them? Do you have the support of a DH / DP to back you up in this?

My goodness, I could have written this! Basically my parents only have me as siblings have cut them off. It’s all about boundaries and not being drawn in. I now say very clearly that I don’t need them round, and we are having a family day. I have also said on couple of occasions that I will not answer door as we are having lazy day (they had habit of turning up and staying for 8 hours) basically I end up caring for them and my kids just get on with what they were playing.
you have to be clear. You are not responsible for holding their lives together, they have to be independent on some levels. You have to be clear and not back down. It is honestly the only thing that works as you will start to seriously resent them.