Page 2 | Elderly parent demands

Munches · 2023-02-12T10:31:40+00:00

Hi all. I’m not sure if I am being unreasonable or mean. I’d be interested in hearing perspectives. I am very fortunate in that both my elderly parents are around. I have two children and my parents don’t live too far away. Parents absolutely adore the children and love to see them as much as possible. They’d see them all the time if they could. I do not rely on my elderly parents for any help. I manage alone when my husband works and also suffer terribly with mental illness. My mum is very slightly aware of this but my Dad has no clue. Neither would I want them to know this for various reasons. My parents do not have any friends. My two brothers and I are their entertainment sources and between us we try to see our parents regularly. I was brought up in a stifling environment and it was very isolated. Currently we do try to see my parents around once a week. I love to see them but mentally cannot sometimes see them ( as I do not feel very well) but I do speak to them every day on the phone. This weekend for example, we have not seen them. The children have colds and I do not feel great myself. This has caused anguish and upset as they were expecting to see us. I have said that I just want to relax at home with the children today and they will see them during half term and if the children feel better, they will see them tomorrow. I have just had an awkward phone conversation with my Mum and she said that I need help as I am alone with the children at the moment and also that they love to see them. I get that. But I don’t ask for help. The children are older- they aren’t babies and I find I end up caring more for both my parents and the children. I feel like I am expected to fulfill demands and I am bad not doing that. I just want to focus on my children for the moment and myself. I’ve been in a very dark place lately and I need to do what is best for us. AIBU ?

Hbh17 · 12/02/2023 11:53

YANBU. Speaking to your parents every day sounds like way too much - can you gradually cut it down to once a week? You are not responsible for your parents' happiness & it's their own fault that they have no friends. Sounds like you need to start saying "no" to them a lot more often!

Porkyporkchop · 12/02/2023 11:56

Munches · 12/02/2023 11:05

Thank you for your replies. There was no plan today to see them . All week last week I repeatedly said that they can see the children during half term week and that it was highly unlikely we would see them this weekend.
My Dad is very demanding and puts his needs first. He was miffed today when I said we want going over for lunch as he had invited us on Friday. I was polite- said no thank you, that I had a lunch already bought for us that I will make and that we will see them tomorrow.

I feel so guilty and it causes me so much stress. It is hard enough as a family without feeling guilty for them not seeing the children this weekend.
I said this to my Mum- she said “ it’s to help you” but that would just be for food as they have mobility issues so cannot really take the children far.

I read somewhere recently that the family you come from is important- but that the family that you create is your priority.

I feel shitty today as it is and anxiety already through the roof.

….Oh and it’s not to help you! That is manipulation at its best!

EatingWormsMichael · 12/02/2023 12:20

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Thesharkradar · 13/02/2023 12:18

I would start to gradually distance myself and manage their expectations, if you just let it ride they will cling onto you more and more, you have to actively manage them so that they don't do this or they will just take over your life.
It may not be deliberate conscious cruelty, it's just the way they are but you can't let them ruin your life!
They won't see a problem with what they're doing because they are unable to see you as an autonomous adult, I think they are stuck in a mindset where they are the real adults and you are a child and they should have control over you.

Bonjourlaclasse · 13/02/2023 14:51

billy1966 · 12/02/2023 10:51

You need to put yourself first.

Your children need you well.

Nothing is more important than that.

Certainly not your parents.

They have made their choices.

It sounds utterly stifling to be their sole entertainment and being guilted for not being available.

This must contribute to your poor mental health.

Stop seeing so much of them and stop calling every day.

Your priorities are your children and your health.

Take some space for yourself.

I don't think you should be calling them everyday.

This is far too much.

They sound like they are sucking the life out of you.

Some people can be onto their parents everyday joyfully because of the relationship they have, but yours seems to be largely obligation and that is smothering you.

Mind yourself.

This.

It is not your responsibility to entertain your parents. They are adults. You speak to them every day and see them once a week and it’s still not enough. For some people nothing is enough. Time to be stricter with putting yourself first. And your children must always come before your parents.

Randomuser9876 · 17/02/2023 16:05

Hi OP, this is so similar to my parents and experiences.

They have no friends or family and I'm an only child so me and DC are the sole source of entertainment.

I have MH problems as my F was so controlling when I was a child and often violent.

Now they're old and in ill health I have no idea what to do as can't abandon them but feel like they need me far too much.

I try (and you must too!) To have boundaries, not seem them when it doesn't work for me and put myself first as they never fucking will.

Sending love, it's really hard

Lottapianos · 17/02/2023 16:21

'I don't know but I can imagine your MH struggles are probably related to always feeling you have to please your parents or to fit in with their wishes at the expense of your own needs and wellbeing'

Very much agree with this. OP, I can relate to so much of what you wrote. It really does mess with your head when your parents are suffocating you like this - it's like they are expecting you to parent them, take care of them, give them a purpose, give their lives meaning, create happiness for them. It's way too much to expect of you, and way too much to lay on you

So, you are ENTIRELY justified in setting boundaries and stepping back. You do not have to make your parents happy or do what they expect of you. They won't change - it's down to you to change instead. Don't underestimate the power of a lifetime of their conditioning - that's the guilt and anguish you're feeling.

I saw a therapist for a long time and it was incredibly helpful. Painful, incredibly tough, but I was able to understand my parents behaviour and their impact on me and slowly start to free myself. I can't recommend it enough. This is dark, scary stuff, and having professional support to navigate it can be invaluable

DilemmaDelilah · 17/02/2023 16:51

When I first started reading this I was really worried it was about us - but thankfully it isnt! I live quite close to my daughter and so does her Dad, but there the similarity ends. We are more likely to provide help to her than her to us, and I rarely see her unless they come over here, about once a month! We have the occasional text conversation but rarely speak on the phone. I have been worried that as my health declines I may need more support, but practically while I still have my marbles I can do shopping online and as she doesn't drive there won't be any taking me to appointments etc. I offer to have the children overnight roughly once a month (so they can have a night out - and because I want the children to be comfortable here) and occasionally she will ask if they want to do something special.
However - I plan on having a frank conversation with her both about the support that I can offer her, and the support I might need when I become more decrepit. I think we both need to know where we stand and what we can expect from each other. Do you think you might be able to have a proper discussion with your parents? Can you tell them what you are able to do for them - and more importantly what you cannot do - and can you let them know what they can do for you that would actually help? There must be something - and if I am reading your post correctly they do want to help.

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 17:28

Randomuser9876 · 17/02/2023 16:05

Hi OP, this is so similar to my parents and experiences.

They have no friends or family and I'm an only child so me and DC are the sole source of entertainment.

I have MH problems as my F was so controlling when I was a child and often violent.

Now they're old and in ill health I have no idea what to do as can't abandon them but feel like they need me far too much.

I try (and you must too!) To have boundaries, not seem them when it doesn't work for me and put myself first as they never fucking will.

Sending love, it's really hard

Why can't you walk away?

Your MH comes first, every time.

They have made THEIR choices.

You can make different ones to protect yourself.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 17/02/2023 17:28

Munches · 12/02/2023 11:28

But the guilt is crazy. I feel like a terrible person and a terrible daughter.

I am just about holding myself together in all seriousness and have to take like one day at a time. Literally.

I could never and have never told them about my struggles mentally and I find this just an additional pressure that I really do not want.

Show quote history

Do you think perhaps that your issues are due, at least in part, to your parents and your massively stifling upbringing?

If they are making you feel like a terrible person and a terrible daughter, then they are part of the problem, aren't they? They make you feel selfish and guilty for not doing what they want. No wonder you are struggling.

Randomuser9876 · 17/02/2023 18:15

billy1966 I wish I knew why I can't walk away as it is so draining!

I have no other blood relatives and it would feel so sad to be totally alone in the world. They're my only connection to my childhood, they really love me although they are unable to deal with me as an actual person.

I dunno.

piedbeauty · 17/02/2023 18:37

You say 'upset' and 'anguish' - is this your take on your parents' responses, or their actual response? Are you reading more into their response than there should be?

Lottapianos · 17/02/2023 19:26

'billy1966 I wish I knew why I can't walk away as it is so draining!

I have no other blood relatives and it would feel so sad to be totally alone in the world. They're my only connection to my childhood, they really love me although they are unable to deal with me as an actual person.'

You don't have to walk away. I have no interest in cutting my parents out of my life - that wouldn't feel right to me at all. I get around it by having contact with them on my terms and setting my expectations around zero. Going no contact is absolutely the right thing for some people but it's not for everyone

'Love' is a difficult one. I know that my parents believe they love me, and of course I can't know exactly how they feel inside. I don't feel loved though. I think they love an idea that they have of me, but that's not the reality of who I am. I honestly don't know if I love them or not. Don't know if you can relate to any of that

Randomuser9876 · 17/02/2023 19:36

I relate to that v much... especially that they definitely love the idea of me but I don't feel loved.

I said the other day that I was 42 and they were so surprised and told me I wasn't! Cos in their heads I'm not.

I don't want to go NC but when there's a medical situation Is there often is I get dragged in as I'm the only option. V hard to maintain boundaries in that situation but I do try.

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 19:44

Randomuser9876 · 17/02/2023 18:15

billy1966 I wish I knew why I can't walk away as it is so draining!

I have no other blood relatives and it would feel so sad to be totally alone in the world. They're my only connection to my childhood, they really love me although they are unable to deal with me as an actual person.

I dunno.

Maybe start with stepping back.
Boundaries.
Not being available 24/7.

That is usually how people do it.

I'm sorry its so hard.

Lottapianos · 17/02/2023 20:26

'I relate to that v much... especially that they definitely love the idea of me but I don't feel loved.'

It's so painful. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Honestly, therapy was the path to sanity for me

Pureradio · 17/02/2023 23:58

If they are making you feel like a terrible person and a terrible daughter, then they are part of the problem, aren't they? They make you feel selfish and guilty for not doing what they want. No wonder you are struggling.

This resonates so very much.

Boosey · 01/06/2025 07:48

@Munches @Lottapianos @Randomuser9876 i know this is a ‘zombie thread’ but I wondered how the last couple of years panned out for you? This thread came up when I was doing some ‘therapy googling’ having returned from a seven hour visit (nine with the drive there and back), after dealing with tears and tantrums and accusations of ‘I have barely seen you. You don’t understand. My life is so miserable’. I’ve done this 6 years now at this level of intensity, never having a complete weekend or a two week holiday, always tied to one hour calls three times a week to keep them happy. I don’t want to walk
away completely, I know getting old is hard, I know being lonely is bad but I feel like I’m being dragged down with them and nothing is ever enough. I so want to have a complete weekend to spend with my family,
sort my own house out, do my own life laundry and just not have the daily anxiety of being responsible for their physical, social and mentionable life.

Randomuser9876 · 01/06/2025 10:22

Boosey · 01/06/2025 07:48

@Munches @Lottapianos @Randomuser9876 i know this is a ‘zombie thread’ but I wondered how the last couple of years panned out for you? This thread came up when I was doing some ‘therapy googling’ having returned from a seven hour visit (nine with the drive there and back), after dealing with tears and tantrums and accusations of ‘I have barely seen you. You don’t understand. My life is so miserable’. I’ve done this 6 years now at this level of intensity, never having a complete weekend or a two week holiday, always tied to one hour calls three times a week to keep them happy. I don’t want to walk
away completely, I know getting old is hard, I know being lonely is bad but I feel like I’m being dragged down with them and nothing is ever enough. I so want to have a complete weekend to spend with my family,
sort my own house out, do my own life laundry and just not have the daily anxiety of being responsible for their physical, social and mentionable life.

Hi! Gosh cannot believe this was over 2 years ago.

The thing that I've found with elderly parents is that no matter how I try and manage things for them the situation moves on by itself... DM has been diagnosed with vascular dementia and this has become very pronounced recently, I've managed to get her into a care home although this was very difficult and with much resistance and denial from my F. He has had many health issues that have made him even more abusive and self centered. Tbh this has helped me take a step back as I know DM is being looked after and is actually v happy. My Fs behaviour is beyond what I should have to endure so I'm more than within my rights to ignore him for a bit.

You mentioned therapy and I started having EMDR with a wonderful therapist about 9 months ago. It's really helped me to not get emotionally involved with my DPs, set up what they need from a care point of view then step back. It's all about patterns of behaviour set in childhood and you not being responsible for their happiness. If they choose to be miserable buggers then what can you do??! Easier said then done sometimes but you need to take a step back.

I actually started becoming physically unwell purely through stress and exhaustion and I realised I was more important than that.

You shouldn't be seeing/spending time with them so much, really not fair and that's OK. Set boundaries, get therapy and prioritise yourself.

Lottapianos · 01/06/2025 10:36

'It's all about patterns of behaviour set in childhood and you not being responsible for their happiness. If they choose to be miserable buggers then what can you do??!'

I agree that it's so helpful to have professional support to recognize those patterns that were set up so early in your life. @Boosey,you mention doing things 'to keep them happy', but are they ever actually happy with what you do? Or even satisfied? It's been helpful to realize that nothing I do is ever actually 'right' or 'enough' for my family, so I need to do what I feel is right / appropriate/ decent / enough and leave it at that. Drop the rope and stop playing the game

You certainly don't have to cut contact if you don't want to. I'm in low contact with mine. Therapy may help you to separate from them emotionally - this is very painful work, but so freeing with time. It is just not reasonable for any parent to expect their child to be their only source of joy or comfort or hope. You are a separate person, and you have a right to your own peace and your own decisions. Good luck with it, it's definitely not easy but you're not alone