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Elderly parents
Original poster

Boredom

38 replies

SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/02/2023 09:49

DPs are complaining about being bored and it is getting them both down. They are both fit and well although had some problems in the past which led to them being extremely cautious about Covid. In fact I think that they still live in fear of this and constantly watch the news thinking the world is a very bad and scary place. They don't have many hobbies, don't like eating out or travel. They complain if we do not visit but complain if we do when DGCs have coughs and colds as they are super cautious about getting sick. I'm at a loss as to what they can do as they keep complaining that they are bored but everything I suggest they shoot down. Anyone else experience this?

OP posts:
IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 12/02/2023 09:52

Ex - Mil is like this. The family tree and finding new relatives kept her busy for a few years.

Local residents WhatsApp groups provide food for thought..... Cycle lanes, school traffic, cheeky people..... Keeps them going.

Gassylady · 12/02/2023 09:54

Thats sounds very frustrating indeed. How old are they and how tech savvy? There are lots of interesting and free courses on Futurelearn. Ultimately I think all you can say is “I can’t think of anything else to suggest can you think of something you would like to try?”
As you say they are fit could they buy some home exercise equipment and compete against others online

Gassylady · 12/02/2023 09:55

Oh family tree is a good shout too

DisplayPurposesOnly · 12/02/2023 09:56

Put the problem back in their hands - I'm sorry to hear that, what are you going to do?

Diddelydi · 12/02/2023 09:58

Yes yes yes😔
My mother, nothing made her happy, nothing was good enough - it was a nightmare for me, I tried my best but she was horrible to me, everyday I had to brace myself to see her.
She died last February at 92, it was a relief for me and for her.
Sorry no advice, I tried everything.
I think it will be something you just have to live with.

snoodles · 12/02/2023 09:59

They are grown adults, I'm sure they can think of things to do!

Library, go to town, get on a train with a mask to the outdoors, go for walks, book a holiday, get an older dog to give them purpose, lots they can do!

Teatime55 · 12/02/2023 10:06

They need to create a routine for themselves to fill their days.
My MILs friend was told to do this after a period of depression. So one day it was the library, one day meeting a friend for a coffee, one day food shopping etc and then weekends off. She had to get out and go somewhere 5 days a week. Worked well for her.
Of course MIL was the same, no interests or hobbies, didn’t like to go out. Bored out of her mind.

I think it’s hard to start hobbies when you are older, especially if you have previously had no interest. Instead they need to create a structure to keep themselves busy.

MissingNightshades · 12/02/2023 10:07

Yes and it's bloody exhausting. I'm wondering what they say when you ask "Well if none of those are suitable what do YOU want to do?" Because I found that doesn't work either. Some people seem to get in a rut of misery and find excuses to stay there.
That being said I do have huge sympathy with elderly people (if they are) being petrified of covid.
Have you suggested walking groups or guided walks around the grounds of places? Something maybe in the fresh air where they'd feel safer.
My MIL watched rolling news 24 hrs a day, it doesn't help that's for sure.

JoonT · 12/02/2023 10:35

Family tree is good.

How about setting a reading target? When my mother retired, she announced she was going to read all of Dickens' novels, in chronological order. It became her little thing. And we all played along, asking her where she'd got up to etc. A reading challenge (I mean something quite demanding) could be very rewarding. It doesn't have to be Dickens, of course (they could plan to read all of Shakespeare's plays, or the complete works of Virginia Woolf, or Thomas Hardy or Jane Austen).

Buy them a telescope and get them into astronomy.

Encourage them to learn a language (something unusual, like Russian or Japanese).

Could they learn a musical instrument?

Original poster
SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/02/2023 11:30

Lots of great suggestions here many of which I have tried and met with resistance. They do get out each day to the shops and they walk but they have pretty much been doing the same things since lockdown and I think the repetition is the reason for boredom. Pre Covid they were busy with some part time work and helping care for relatives these things have now stopped so they are just lost and complain about being bored yet they don't actually want to do anything 🤯

OP posts:
IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 12/02/2023 11:46

Can you give them any chores to do? 😆😆...... Keep them busy, helping you out a bit..... Go to the post office for you etc.

snoodles · 12/02/2023 12:20

I bought some activity books for older people which they like doing. Aswell as some colouring too.
There's only so much you can suggest if they don't want to do it.

Could you invite some of their friends around for tea at their house?

KangarooKenny · 12/02/2023 12:21

My DM is the same, I sometimes think she enjoys the misery, and complaining gives her something to talk about

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 12/02/2023 12:25

DisplayPurposesOnly · 12/02/2023 09:56

Put the problem back in their hands - I'm sorry to hear that, what are you going to do?

This ! Otherwise you will just get frustrated in trying to make suggestions/include them in your life etc. nothing is going to change unless they come up with a solution. It’s not a you problem it’s their problem.
Agree with pp - some people are negative Nora’s and revel in moaning. It’ll get you down unless you turn it back on them.
Basically their problem, they need to find a solution and only then will you be willing to listen and help if needs be eg sourcing items on eBay / directions to a group session etc

Original poster
SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/02/2023 13:14

@IwasToldThereWouldBeCake My siblings and I have tried this, we all work FT and have busy lives with DCs and could really use their help sometimes but it isn't very forthcoming. They have declined to help with regular childcare and we have no issues with this. They have avoided anything with their DGCs due to fears of them carrying Covid or other illnesses although this has relaxed somewhat recently they are still very cautious. We invite them on days out and they are not interested- too far, too busy, the weather, the traffic and any other problems they can imagine. What can you do when someone does not want to do anything yet complains they are bored.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 12/02/2023 13:16

I have no amazing ideas for you, OP, but mine are getting the same way. Additionally, DM is less mobile these days so even getting out to the shops doesn’t happen so often, and there is little to do in their small town anyway.

HappyHolidai · 12/02/2023 13:21

I've been ill in bed and discovered there is lots of really good stuff on BBC Sounds. Probably other podcasts etc.

If they wanted to, they could have themselves a nice routine:

  • listen to episode of chosen podcast/programme
  • have a chat about it
  • find out more about the subject under discussion
  • tell you about it when you visit or speak
They could do a different programme each day, so Monday Desert Island Discs, Tuesday Life Scientific, Wednesday You're Dead To Me, etc...
Original poster
SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/02/2023 13:31

@ChaToilLeam It is an added problem when mobility or illnesses arise. In my DPs case they are actually very lucky in that they are very fit and well for their ages. I think it's the lack of a plan or direction in retirement compounded by the sudden lockdowns and Covid which has made them a bit rudderless perhaps.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 12/02/2023 13:34

If they’re fit and well, most volunteer groups will be crying out for volunteers. I don’t know what it’s like in the south, but in the north, if it’s not a statutory duty of the Council, then it will now be being run by volunteers, from parks to public libraries.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/02/2023 13:36

And if they reckon they’re too old, they’re not. Our oldest volunteer is well into her 80s, and my father was into his 90s when he stopped doing energetic volunteering.

Original poster
SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/02/2023 13:36

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 This is a good suggestion, I have previously mentioned volunteering even if it was a few hours or per week but that was knocked back 'because of Covid'. I might mention this again.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/02/2023 13:39

@MereDintofPandiculation Cross post but yes I agree that voluntary work would be perfect for them. They have both worked in public services in the past so they have a lot to offer.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 12/02/2023 13:40

My DPs are the same. Pre covid they would go out for lunch say once a week or so with friends, now DM is refusing to go out or let DF out. It's very sad and I don't know what the answer is. I could try and force the issue but sense DM couldn't cope and selfish as it may be, I prefer to retain their current fragile equilibrium as it's less work for me.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 12/02/2023 13:51

What about the app "Meetup", there are online events, outdoor simple walks etc. Even if they did something once a month...?

Muchtoomuchtodo · 12/02/2023 13:56

I came on to suggest volunteering too.

Do the like dogs? What about the cinnamon trust? If they like walking we have a group of volunteers who clear overgrown oaths, fix styles etc. Libraries are usually calling out for volunteers

have they looked into u3a?www.u3a.org.uk