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Elderly parents
Original poster

Hand hold please.

31 replies

MyMumhasDementia · 01/02/2023 22:48

My mum is really poorly. She has been seen by a doctor today at the care home. Her says we’re 82 and he thinks she’s aspirated vomit into her lungs.
Shes 90 and very frail.
She also has a uti.
The Dr gave is the choice of sending her to hospital for O2 or leaving her in the care home on Palliative care.
My brother and I chose the latter. The care home staff are so amazing and supportive but I can’t help but feel we’ve let her down.

She’s very ill and I want her to be peaceful and pain free. Is that wrong? X

OP posts:
Oasis1975 · 01/02/2023 22:52

So sorry you and your mum is going through this - you have not let her down as you are doing what you believe is right for her, at this time in her life.
Go easy on yourself and your brother.

chronictonic · 01/02/2023 22:59

This is so hard. Both my DH and I have been in similar positions/experiences very recently with our parents...
You mustn't feel guilty. You and your brother know her better than anyone and your gut told you what is best for her. Hospital and 02 could be very distressing for a frail & unwell 90 year old.

Cherrysherbet · 01/02/2023 22:59

Oh no it not the wrong choice at all in my opinion. My Mum is in a nursing home, and I would make the same decision. Hospital is not the ideal place for an elderly person.

I would want my Mum to be surrounded by familiar people and in her usual environment.

Please don’t feel you’ve let her down. You really haven’t 💐

StopFeckingFaffing · 01/02/2023 23:02

Absolutely not wrong OP

Your decision is rooted in love and thinking about what is best for your Mum

Mammma91 · 01/02/2023 23:02

So sorry. What a difficult situation to be in. I’m sure the care home will keep your mum comfortable and care for her right up to the very end. A trip to the hospital and being somewhere unfamiliar could’ve been uncomfortable for her. You shouldn’t feel guilty you’ve done the best for her x

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 01/02/2023 23:02

If the doctor thought sending her in was the right choice and likely to have a good outcome, they would have made that decision not left it up to you. It sounds like palliative care is the right choice for your mum ❤️

SNWannabe · 01/02/2023 23:02

As a staff nurse in this field, no… and I wish more family members were as compassionate as you. I see too many poor old souls sent for tests and procedures when they should really be supported to have a comfortable death in familiar surroundings.
i hope your mum is comfortable and knows how loved she is.

Original poster
MyMumhasDementia · 01/02/2023 23:17

Oh my goodness I’m sat here sobbing.
Ive really been beating myself up about it. My dad died recently and I was just thinking what would he have wanted. I’m 100% certain he’d have made the same decision.

Im laid in a recliner chair with her so she’s not alone x x

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 01/02/2023 23:37

No you’ve done a brave thing OP. At 92 she’s had a long life and deserves to die with dignity rather than as part of a rushed hospital admission and on an unfamiliar ward. It’s hard to let go I know, but I think you’ll be comforted by your decision xx

PermanentTemporary · 01/02/2023 23:43

You've made absolutely the right decision. Never doubt it. You've chosen her peace and comfort over futile misery in hospital. I hope you can touch her hand and I'm glad you're with her. Dont be afraid to rest and take breaks though.

Newdawnfreedom · 01/02/2023 23:53

You did the right thing which isn't the easy thing. Sending lots of love. Be gentle with yourself 💐

MaMisled · 02/02/2023 00:43

I work in a Care Home and its absolutely heartbreaking when families choose hospital admission over palliative Care here with us. We understand they believe its best for their loved ones but, truly, the kindest, most gentle path at this stage, is end of life Care in their own bed, with family by their side, familiar carers not only caring for them but giving the family support and comfort. You've made the most loving decision. Sending you strength and a little hand squeeze.

Growlybear83 · 02/02/2023 01:16

I really do think you've made the kindest decision for your Mum. I lost my 95 year old Mum in July and that decision was taken away from me because she was taken to hospital with a stroke. She recovered really well initially and was due to go back to her care home, but then developed pneumonia from aspirating food particles. I can't fault the hospital for the way in which they cared for her in any way and they couldn't have done more for her. My daughter and I both caught covid, we think in the hospital, but the staff moved her to a side room and let us spend as much time as we wanted with her, and we were able to be with her at the end and hold her hand. But I would have given anything for her to have ended her life in her own room at the care home being looked after by the wonderful carers who she knew and who knew her so well. My mum was so distressed and disorientated at being in the hospital and it would just have been so much more peaceful and calm for her if she'd been in the care home at the end. Treasure the time you've got left with her - you've done the right thing for your mum.

DPotter · 02/02/2023 01:58

Recently made this same decision for my DM, with my DF and Dsis. The thought of her spending a chunk of whatever time she had left on a trolley in A&E filled me with horror. The care home staff were brilliant, she was in her own room so we could visit anytime and be private with her. It was a special time and I'll treasure my last visit for a long time.

You made the right call. take care

polkadotpixie · 02/02/2023 09:23

You've definitely made the right decision. We had this twice in 2022 with my elderly DGMs. They both passed peacefully i(aged 90 & 98) n their care homes surrounded by the people who looked after them (they both went in the night after family had gone home as it wasn't expected to be immediately imminent)

Going into hospital isn't really the kindest thing for very old, sick and frail people, admissions often result in the patient developing delirium and they end up scared and confused rather than remaining comfortable in familiar surroundings. I certainly don't want to be taken in when the time comes, it only prolongs the inevitable and I'd rather go at home than in a hospital

33goingon64 · 02/02/2023 09:36

Sorry to hear this OP. My DM had the same thing back in the summer. She had a seizure in the care home and they thought she'd aspirated vomit too but it turned out she hadn't. However she did fade away within a week after that, in hospital. Palliative teams are the unsung heroes of the world. They are experts at doing the right thing for the patient and communicating with the family. You're in the best hands and they will do what's best for your Mum. It's the hardest thing I've had to do, to accept there's nothing left you can do. Sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her even if you think she can't hear you. Play her favourite music. If you have a soft blanket or plush toy, you can stroke her skin with it.
Wishing you all the best.

helpfulperson · 02/02/2023 09:49

My dad had alzheimer's so a bit different maybe but when he'd been in that unresponsive state for a week or so we told him we loved him but it was OK for him let go and die which he did a day or two later.

She will be missing your dad if she's aware he died.

You've made the right choice.

Original poster
MyMumhasDementia · 03/02/2023 15:13

Mum passed away very peacefully last night. The Goldline nurse came to administer some Medazolam and she was quite agitated. She calmed down and if a death can be beautiful, then that’s what I witnessed. After resps of 60 a minute, and sats of under 40, they didn’t know how she was still conscious but she was able to see her grandchildren and great grandchildren who she doted on.

The care staff were just beyond amazing.
I feel so blessed to have had the privilege of meeting these selfless and caring people.

After losing Dad in September life has been quite traumatic. We need to be gentle on ours and take time to grieve x x

OP posts:
PauliString · 03/02/2023 15:16

I'm so sorry for your double loss, but so glad her passing was a gentle one.

Growlybear83 · 03/02/2023 15:24

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope knowing how peacefully your Mum passed away has helped you to realise that you made the right decision not to move her to hospital. You said in your first post that you were worried you had let your Mum down by deciding to keep her in the care home, but you did the exact opposite and allowed her to pass away peacefully and with dignity, in the company of the people she loved and who loved her.

Take some time now to come to terms with losing her and to heal yourself, and I know from my own experience that things will very gradually get a little bit easier. I realised on Tuesday of this week that it was the first day that I hadn't cried since my Mum died in July - I will never ever stop missing her, but life isn't quite as bleak now as it was seven months ago and I'm sure you will feel the same in time.

Mum5net · 03/02/2023 19:19

I’m so sorry for your loss @MyMumhasDementia, such a difficult time for you on all fronts. Good that it went as well as you could have hoped. Flowers

clarepetal · 03/02/2023 19:24

So sorry for your loss.

BevMarsh · 03/02/2023 19:24

Sending hugs💐

Fuckitydoodah · 03/02/2023 19:31

I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope you can find some peace in the fact that you made sure her passing was as good as any of us can hope for.

Sending you sympathy.

PennyToffee · 03/02/2023 19:35

Wishing you strength 💐