Preparing for need for care when parents won’t compare

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

Hoping for advice from people who have experience of elderly parents needing care.

My parents aren’t particularly elderly (in their late 60s), however due to my
mum’s disability and the impact of this on both of them their ‘life style’, healthy is very much more like a couple in their 80s.
my father cares for my mother. However it is becoming increasingly clear that he is starting to struggling managing her care, both physically and mentally. My mum requires a lot of care (needs help toileting/dressing/with all movement).
I have been trying to get them to consider asking for care support, however they refuse.
As time goes on, and my dad is finding it harder, I am starting to worry about what will happen if my dad becomes poorly and unable to care for my mum or when he gets older and struggles more with care. Given they refuse to think about carers at the moment I believe that they will only accept care when an emergency crops up and there is no other option.

My query is- as their child what can I do to prepare for an emergency? Or prepare for in terms of sorting care if it is needed in an emergency.

For clarity I am happy to support them but don’t intend to provide full time care or have them living with me (though I would consider caring for a very short period if anyone need arise due to an emergency).

Any advice

Age UK have a very useful free booklet called LifeBook. This is an easy to use method of recording all sorts of practical details. It includes information such as family members and friends, GP, utility providers, financial information (banks, insurance policies, etc) location of documents, significant possessions and valuables, and final wishes. It's available to download or request a printed version.

I'm sitting looking at a copy here which I must get round to filling in myself!

@pandora206 that booklet looks really good.
Another useful to is the Lions "message in a bottle". You get a canister that goes in the door of the fridge with a sheet for info and stickers to put where someone coming to the door will see them. Paramedics then know to look in the fridge door for info on meds etc. Of course, if someone forgets what it is and moves the canister to the cupboard and peels of the stickers it doesn't work (looking at you mum).

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow holding POA does not make you liable for the debts etc of the person for whom you hold the POA. It just means that you can “speak with their voice”. I invoked the finance one for my mum a couple of years ago as declining eyesight meant she wanted me to sort out her utilities/paperwork/finances - they don’t have to have lost capacity for this to happen but you do have to follow their wishes if they still retain capacity. (The health and welfare one doesn’t kick in at all until they lose capacity.) So as POA you are specifically not allowed to “correct” any bad financial decisions while they have capacity. If your parents have a history of not being honest with you on these topics then I’d advise getting the finance POA in place and then, as a PP said, put it in a drawer and only activate when they are incapable and not before.

We had to do this. If elderly parents won't accept the need for help it is the only way, sadly. it's not your fault.

I would advise against, under any circumstances, even a crisis, ever moving a parent into your home.
Stubborn elderly parents are quite happy to live with their poor life choices until it all goes pear shaped. Then expect their supposedly nearest and dearest to pick up the pieces at short notice.
If they want to make their own choices they have to be prepared to live with the consequences which should have no detrimental impact on you and may mean permanent changes (such as care homes) they don't like. That's unfortunate.
FIL has said he will only leave his house in a box and I can't help think but how utterly selfish. It has totally coloured our opinion of him as a father.

You can contact the local authority and they can help make emergency plans. You can do this as a carer as well, it means if you Dad was hospitalised there would already be a plan in place of what support your Mum needs