Preparing for need for care when parents won’t compare

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

Hoping for advice from people who have experience of elderly parents needing care.

My parents aren’t particularly elderly (in their late 60s), however due to my
mum’s disability and the impact of this on both of them their ‘life style’, healthy is very much more like a couple in their 80s.
my father cares for my mother. However it is becoming increasingly clear that he is starting to struggling managing her care, both physically and mentally. My mum requires a lot of care (needs help toileting/dressing/with all movement).
I have been trying to get them to consider asking for care support, however they refuse.
As time goes on, and my dad is finding it harder, I am starting to worry about what will happen if my dad becomes poorly and unable to care for my mum or when he gets older and struggles more with care. Given they refuse to think about carers at the moment I believe that they will only accept care when an emergency crops up and there is no other option.

My query is- as their child what can I do to prepare for an emergency? Or prepare for in terms of sorting care if it is needed in an emergency.

For clarity I am happy to support them but don’t intend to provide full time care or have them living with me (though I would consider caring for a very short period if anyone need arise due to an emergency).

Any advice

Honestly?
Step back and let the crisis happen :(
It's the only way that some older people accept they need help.

Even hearing this is useful.
It what I have chosen to do, but I question if I should be doing anything else. So reassurance is helpful, thanks.

You don't mention their financial status,but if they are willing, I would apply for attendance allowance on their behalf now. Your mother would have to sign the forms. It takes weeks to put in place. It is not means tested and they could just bank it so that they could put it towards paying for care when it becomes necessary and when they will accept care. I know this is not exactly what you asked about but it may be useful. Good luck.

Hi @Anna713 they receive this as I helped them apply last year.

One issue at the moment though is their home. It’s so full of things as they hoard. But I’ve helped get rid of things before and it’s just gets replaced by more things. This is something I do think I can help with either though as they don’t seem to want it to change.

Have you sorted out power of attorney in case they need you to take control of their affairs? Do you know where they bank and if they have any investments that might need to be sold for care home fees?

Knowing these sorts of practical things now can help if you hit a crisis.

Read up on the various benefits available, read up on the process for applying for care assessments.

Encourage them to think about a cleaner?

There's not much else you can do right now. Frustrating, but out of your control until the time comes.

With my father he was adamant his entire life that he would rather die than spend one minute in a care home. He lived to his late 80s and until the last couple of weeks of his life, when he needed hospice care, he stayed at home. If he'd accepted help and considered a care home, he may still be alive, but it was his choice to stay in his home even when it was hard for him and my Mum to take care of themselves.

I spent years being stressed about it, even had therapy, but eventually realized that as an adult he had the right to make that choice. Finally, when he was in hospice and I was caring for him, I was grateful that as a family we had honored his wishes.

Will your parents have a sensible conversation where they clearly state that they would rather risk an earlier death than accept help or going into care? If they clearly want that, you have to respect their decision.

The best thing you can do is speak to them about setting up Power of Attorney…it gets done now, and sits in the back of a drawer till needed. Generally the time you need it, is the time it’s too late to set it up.
My dad did us the biggest favour in having this all in place, literally 20 years before we needed to use it. It made his and our lives so much easier….if your parents aren’t keen, don’t be shy of using emotional blackmail..
When my dad needed care he was dead against it (really bad experience with care for my late mum), but dad would have done anything for me and my sister, so gentle emotional blackmail worked 😂

Being open and honest with them about how their choices might affect their quality or quantity of life and then respecting their choice, even if it’s not what you might choose for them will be difficult but is the right thing to do I think. You might need some support to come to terms with this.

Can you talk with them about
power of attorney? If you’re fully aware of their wishes, even though you’ll need to act ‘in their best interest’ if they lose the capacity to make decisions about their health and welfare and/or finances for themselves, at least you can make decisions on their behalf being fully informed about their wishes.

It’s not an easy situation. I won’t find myself in the same one and I find myself feeling guilty sometimes that I won’t, whatever situation we find ourselves in there are challenges.

This is all fab thanks.

I will do some reading about ASC and care assessment etc. maybe book mark some useful pages to access if needed in an emergency. I think they access all the benefits they can after we went through this a while ago. My issue tends to be getting my parents to actually take actions…I’ve had to push/do everything that they’ve accessed because they just do nothing (head in sand syndrome).

Do Direct payments pay for things like cleaners. I think they might accept that more that personal care.

I don’t have any info about life insurance, banking etc. However I will ask. I don’t think they have a will. They don’t own a property (in local authority) and don’t have any particularly large assesses, I suspect they will owe more that they own as they have always been in debt. Given this Do I need power of attorney still?

Thank you for sharing your own personal experience. It is helpful. You are right. They are adults they can make their own choices even if they are not great choices.

Sadly my parents aren’t open to talking about it. I get lots of “oh yes we will look into that”, “I’ll think about it” and lots of lies. My father has sadly out right lied about multiple things in the past including financial issues and Illness. It’s a nightmare.

to be honest I’m mainly worried about what would happen if my dad died or had a serious Illness and was hospitalised. My mum requires help with everything so if that happens there would be an immediate need to sort care as she can’t get out of bed alone or toilet or make food alone. I can’t imagine having to sort that while grieving. Though maybe I shouldn’t think too far ahead.

My parents have sorted nothing. No funeral plan/paymemts, no will.

I Will try asking about this and see if it is worth us doing. What happens if you don’t have power of attorney?

Sadly my parents are very self focused- partly due to their own needs that aren’t age related. So I don’t think they would be overly bothered by the impact of their issue on me.

Given this Do I need power of attorney still? Yes. Financial PoA is needed not only for spending their money (and I presume they still have pensions coming in), but for a wide range of other admin thing, eg talking to the electricity company about some mess up if they’re not in the room with you

Health and Welfare PoA makes it easier to talk to medical staff and social workers eg about moves to care homes .

Ok I’ll have a look into that.
what happens if someone doesn’t have POA then? Things just don’t get dealt with. Hadn’t really thought about this aspect of care.

POA for health and finance are really useful. However, they expire on the donors death (Obviously)

The lack of wills, possible debt and refusal to Discuss their future is worrying.

I'm 50 and Am sorting my poa atm. Will was done ages ago. I don't want to leave my dc any issues.

I work in a hospital in acute care. Frequently what happens if someone like your father is admitted to hospital the person they care for is brought with them and they have to be found a temporary placement. Other than that, if it was just a case of your father being ill, such as the flu, and unable to care for your mother their GP will have access to emergency carers/health professionals such as Occupational Therapists. In my area it is called Crisis Response Team but may have a different name in your area.

I've recently activated my mums finance poa.

She's got some cognitive decline now.

I'll get a cheque book, debit card and will be to talk to her bank/utility companies etc

Home carers are in such short supply, there's very little chance of getting a care plan set up at short notice if Dad reaches crisis point. In that event, probably both of them will be admitted to hospital, where they will almost certainly be in separate wards.

If they can afford some home care, now is the time to organise it, so that it's up and running before your Dad can no longer do it.

Power of Attorney is really useful, you can apply without paying for a solicitor.
It will make dealing with their financial affairs much easier when they are no longer able to do so themselves, you need to register it with all
the individual institutions.
In my own experience, when a health emergency happened with my mother I was asked several times if I had POA. As I didn’t have welfare/health POA ( only had finance and property) decisions around her care were taken solely by nursing staff. I’ve no idea if having the welfare POA would have made any difference.
In terms of trying to put things into place for the future I would honestly reiterate what a PP has said and wait for the crisis to happen. You can wear yourself out worrying and researching but if your parents are resistant you are wasting your time and energy. I’ve been in your shoes and I wish you the best of luck.

We didn't have health POA for my then 91 ye years old Nan & basically then had very few choices in what care homes she could go to etc. You have to go to the Court of Protection to get any say in your NOKs fate without POA and the Court costs over £1k.
My mum had to literally pay my Nans bills for my Nans flat while she was in hospital waiting for a care home as my Mum didn't have financial POA therefore couldn't access my Nans money. My Nan didn't have direct debits set up to pay each bill but was used to paying them over the phone. My poor mum was skint as you can imagine.
Even worse, Nan didn't bother to update her Will in my Mums favour, then decided she wanted to change it too late as she'd been diagnosed with vascular dementia by then. So the son who never bothered with her inherited a large proportion of her money.

Get your parents to make a Will and get POAs for both of them for health and finances set up as minimum. This is what my then very healthy parents did in their 60s.

I made a Will recently through a charity scheme with a local solicitor so it only cost me a £70 donation.

You can do POA online through a govt website I think. You just need to print off the documents, get witnessed signatures and pay a fee.

It's so hard to know how to approach these topics isn't it

Thank you so much for all your advice.
it’s good to know about what would happen if mum went into hospital. Even if it isn’t ideal it is useful to know she’d be safe even if in an unsuitable place.

I have a brother but he lives miles away and will not help with anything at all. So when the time comes I know it will all be on me to sort. Also I know it will be a nightmare because they Lie so much.

Although Power of attorney means I will be able to act on their behalf does that make me responsible for things too. Eg will I be liable if bills aren’t paid. I barely keep on top of my own banking.

I guess step 1- ask dad to write down details of his bank accounts and any policies/pensions who.

step 2- read about POA

step 3- forget about it for a bit and accept they won’t take care help at the moment

thanks all. It’s been very helpful.

Agree get PoA sorted asap. You will need it..or someone will.
Would they agree to a cleaner as a starter? Lots of healthy people have them so they need not feel its because of their circumstances. Even once a week would help.

Do you have meals on wheels? Mum has these 3 days a week and its a relief to know that she has had a hot meal those days.

Speaking from experience not having POA is a nightmare, even with few assets. We had POA for FIL but not MIL as he was convinced she would die first. TBH that was the more likely scenario but his prostate cancer spread and he was dead in a few weeks. MIL had a severe stroke 8 years ago and is profoundly disabled including unable to read , write or speak. She does have capacity and can respond clearly to yes/no questions. We applied for power of attorney on that basis for her 6 week before FIL died but it took 6 months to come through. As all their money was in a joint account it was instantly MILs and we were unable to access it. That meant we had to find the funeral costs and MILs extras in the care home for 4.5 months until we could access her money and get paid back.
We were also unable to sort out her benefits once she moved into the care home until the POA came through and that took some untangling.