End of life question - sad subject

[SunsetSkies11]

My lovely dad is now at the end of his life. He has dementia, and has recently suffered a stroke. The doctors withdrew feeding and fluids, we are now in the heartbreaking waiting for the inevitable stage.

His oxygen saturation level is showing 65 on the finger monitor. It was 75 earlier today and has been dropping all day.

I'm now left wondering the question no one knows the answer to... how long do we have left?

I'm so sad.

All I can add to this is you are doing your grieving now OP. When he finally goes you will feel very sad but also a sense of relief as he will be at peace.

Absolutely do this. They say that hearing is the last sense to fade. It doesn't matter in the slightest what you say. Play him some favourite music. Hold his hand. Stroke his hair and say thank you.

The dying, especially our parents might need to know that you will be ok if they go. Reassure your wonderful dad that you'll all be ok; that it's ok to be with whoever has passed before. You'll still love him whether he's here in body or in spirit. Say all you need to say now. It's a truly horrible time for you and yours. No one is ever old enough to lose their parents, especially when they've been good and loving ones.
Chin up love. You've got this.

100% this. My DSis and I did the same with my DM, coming up to two years in March.
Thinking of you, OP, and sending a virtual hug .

So sorry you're going through this. Hold his hand and keep talking to him. It can take longer than expected, my Dd took nearly two weeks, but we think he was unconscious after two days.
Just keep talking and reassuring him.

My lovely mum was on end of life for a week with advanced dementia. It was awfully sad, I sat with her read and played music. She died in early hours when I wasn't with her which I will never forgive myself for.

I feel for you, i was in this situation in november, my dad had a bleed on the brain and a stroke.

There was nothing they could do, he had a morphine driver, took away food and liquids, he died 4 days later. The waiting is the worst part because really theyve already gone.

Sending hugsx

Let him know it’s ok for him to go. We did this with Dad after we had all arrived and we’re with him and he passed a few hours later. It’s was sad but peaceful and as nice as it could be. Sorry you’re going through this.

Some people wait for people to be with them but lots of people, I would say a majority actually, go when nobody is there. You have to think that's a preference, it's like most animals too, they prefer to slip away and die alone when they're ready. So many people find they sit with their loved one for days and weeks and then they go to the shop for tissues or to the loo or to go collect a friend and it's all over. If it does happen like that please know it couldn't have been otherwise. @lollipoprainbow you clearly showed your mum all the love in the world. Be kind to yourself.

My Mum died at home - she had lived with us for a long time. She stopped eating mid-December at which point the doctor withdrew her medications. She died at the end of January. We had carers in building up to 4 times a day, but apart from that, she was in bed. Occasionally made lucid comments, but slept most of the time.

We learned to accept that dying is a process. We had family coming and going, and we were sort of getting on with normal life around her. Although the nurses got us in there several times saying the end was imminent, it wasn't!

After six weeks, I went in very early one morning, and for some reason got my brother off the sofa to come and sit with me - to this day I can't tell you why. We both sat quietly at the side of her bed, and she slipped away - so peacefully - within half an hour.

So be prepared for the process to take longer than you expect, and for your Dad to pass at a time of his choosing.

Sending thoughts your way.

I've spent the past hour talking to him, telling him I love him and I'll be ok. That I'll stay with him and he can stay as long as he like, but he can go if he wants to. I've reminded him about family members who died many years ago and he could go to see them if he wanted to, they'd be so happy to see him.

I don't really know how I feel about this kind of stuff, but at this stage it's comforting to talk to him Like this
Lots of people have said hearing is the last to go so I'll Keep chatting.

Thank you all for sharing, I'm sorry if you've also lost loved ones.

@lollipoprainbow you sounds like a lovely daughter. You did a lot for your mum. As others have said, maybe her choice was to go when you weren't around. Be kind to yourself.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op. It’s so hard, and I found the uncertainty very disorienting. Make sure you look after ypurself- make sure you have enough to eat and drink. If you are going to be there for long hours don’t feel guilty to read fyour book for a bit or be on your phone or whatever. I found this really helpful.
like many have said my loved one died when I’d nipped out. I was heartbroken that I wasn’t there but I think he’d chosen to go that way.
we had a couple of false alarms about how imminent the end was too- just so you are aware.
also I wish someone had told me that though I was sad, and my first response was proofing was relief, and so the real grief and mourning didn’t happen for a few months.
thoughts are with you.

Hi Sunset . I hope your Darling dad is comfortable, not distressed and getting lots of TLC . If he is even remotely uncomfortable please flag up to the nurse on duty even via the carers .Hopefully you are being offered endless drinks ,sandwiches and hugs if you need them .I work in a care home and we all love and care for the residents and their relatives 💐💕

@Sunset, I hope you are managing some rest and are remembering to eat and drink as gard as that may be. I lost my mum in September in exactly the same circumstances as you are with your dad. Her final fluid intake was on the Sunday and we lost her at 11.15 on the following Thursday morning. She was asleep from the Sunday and very peaceful. When she passed it was the most peaceful thing I've experienced. Just me and my dad were with her and we were chatting.
Her breathing changed very slightly and she took a few gulps for air, and that was that. I was terrified having heard some awful stories about death, but it genuinely was very very peaceful and the relief for her, and for us, at that point was immense.
We just let her be for half an hour or so, just to let her pass gently and calmly - and I'm glad we did.

Sending love and strength to you xx

I dont know if this will help at all, but it helped me a lot.

Expected Death ~ When someone dies, the first thing to do is nothing. Don't run out and call the nurse. Don't pick up the phone. Take a deep breath and be present to the magnitude of the moment.

There's a grace to being at the bedside of someone you love as they make their transition out of this world. At the moment they take their last breath, there's an incredible sacredness in the space. The veil between the worlds opens.

We're so unprepared and untrained in how to deal with death that sometimes a kind of panic response kicks in. "They're dead!"

We knew they were going to die, so their being dead is not a surprise. It's not a problem to be solved. It's very sad, but it's not cause to panic.

If anything, their death is cause to take a deep breath, to stop, and be really present to what's happening. If you're at home, maybe put on the kettle and make a cup of tea.

Sit at the bedside and just be present to the experience in the room. What's happening for you? What might be happening for them? What other presences are here that might be supporting them on their way? Tune into all the beauty and magic.

Pausing gives your soul a chance to adjust, because no matter how prepared we are, a death is still a shock. If we kick right into "do" mode, and call 911, or call the hospice, we never get a chance to absorb the enormity of the event.

Give yourself five minutes or 10 minutes, or 15 minutes just to be. You'll never get that time back again if you don't take it now.

After that, do the smallest thing you can. Call the one person who needs to be called. Engage whatever systems need to be engaged, but engage them at the very most minimal level. Move really, really, really, slowly, because this is a period where it's easy for body and soul to get separated.

Our bodies can gallop forwards, but sometimes our souls haven't caught up. If you have an opportunity to be quiet and be present, take it. Accept and acclimatize and adjust to what's happening. Then, as the train starts rolling, and all the things that happen after a death kick in, you'll be better prepared.

You won't get a chance to catch your breath later on. You need to do it now.

Being present in the moments after death is an incredible gift to yourself, it's a gift to the people you're with, and it's a gift to the person who's just died. They're just a hair's breath away. They're just starting their new journey in the world without a body. If you keep a calm space around their body, and in the room, they're launched in a more beautiful way. It's a service to both sides of the veil. X

Thank you @Icanflyhigh

My dad is still here and this has given me something to think about.

My Dad passed at home as he had planned. Hospice nurses were visiting daily and we had a care worker stay overnight.

The care worker sat up all night with him and it gave us a chance to sleep knowing if his condition changed she would woke us up. As it happened I woke early anyway. “He’ll be gone by noon” she said. Dad was a stubborn man and I hoped he would prove her wrong. He didn’t. He died at 11.06am.

It had been raining all morning but the rain stopped and the birds began to sing. I told him that and that Mum and I were there and if he wanted to go it was alright. I think he needed permission to go, he passed a few minutes later.

Previous poster said stay in the moment. That is so true. And word of warning the body may make some unexpected noises as air leaves the body or the face might twitch its electrical signals firing off but they have gone.

The nurse ushered us out to tidy Dad up, comb his hair and smooth his bed sheets. But when we returned for me he didn’t look the same. I felt I was looking at the empty shell and he had gone.

Thinking of you @SunsetSkies11

Mum was at home as she had requested. Being there in that moment was one of the most privileged experiences I've ever had.

@Sunset I wish you lots of peace and calm when you need it most over the next few days x

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

He died peacefully.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who shared their own stories, and to those who offered guidance at the end - it really helped me to take a moment to stay calm and peaceful whilst he continued his journey from this world.

@Icanflyhigh a thank you for your earlier post and guidance about this stage.

I am sorry for your loss OP. Look after yourself in coming days /weeks/ months

So sorry for your loss OP. I'm glad you had beeen able to talk to and spend time with him, and hope you find peace with your loss. He would have known you were there, and felt loved. Thinking of you and sending love

@SunsetSkies

I am so very sorry for your loss, regardless of how much it was expected, it doesn't make it any easier at all.

I'm glad you found some comfort in my earlier post and I hoped it helped you in some small way.

Please take care of yourself in the coming days, nothing else matters right now but you and your family. Take plenty of time and small steps.
Lots of love x

So very sorry for you loss. Try to remember in the days ( and nights) to come that you did the last thing you could do for your beloved dad; you made sure that he wasn't alone at the end. I'm certain he would have known you were there and being with him is in itself a huge privilege that not everyone has. I know it helped me immensely after my wonderful parents passed away. You did everything you could out of love. Take care of yourself now.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Take care of yourself and cherish his memory xx