Sandwich generation - how do you cope?

[Lovetotravel123]

I have an elderly father who lives on his own and has a terminal illness. I also have a child and a demanding full time job. I feel constantly anxious that I am going to have to drop everything and attend an emergency with my father and no matter what I do, I feel guilty about letting my father/ child/ husband/ employer down.

How do others deal with the anxiety and guilt?

I have a sibling who lives abroad and won’t help with anything. My father wants to stay in his own home.

Much sympathy- note my username! Now retired, and Dc now living away working, but 15 years on still supporting my dm, who is now late 90s.
all I can suggest is engage with as many support services as you can- is the local hospice involved? Carers? Can you outsource cleaning etc to give you more time?
and remember the advice on planes- put your own oxygen mask on first. You have to protect your mental and physical health. Carers uk can be useful too.

What are your fathers plans for coping? How does he plan to manage? He may well want to stay at home but surely wouldn't persevere with that if it negatively impacted your own life and mental health would he?!
Don't be angry at your sibling. We are responsible for our own well being. This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in as much external care and help as needed as we age and become frail. Downsizing, moving into care etc, all actions that help reduce the crises that lead to situations that are currently filling our hospitals.
In the meantime outsource as much as you can week to week so you have something left in the tank at the end.

Agree with outsourcing as much as you can. Age Uk is a great source of info on funding for care in the home and the forum on Carers Uk. Work out what a paid carer can do instead of you doing it.

Anxiety and guilt - I struggled with that when my Dad was ill, also anticipatory grief - I did a self referral via my GP’ s website for talking therapy and was given an app to download which had lots of useful tools. My DH also told me to remember that this difficult time wouldn’t last for ever.

Have you spoken to your employer? If your Dad is sadly terminal they may be able to make suggestions to help you- compressed working hours or a temporary reduction in hours. My boss helpfully suggested if I needed to attend to an emergency I could always go in at 2am or the weekend 😳😆

I just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm in the same situation although my parent isn't terminal, just very elderly and prone to falls. They refuse all care or cleaning help and are happy to live in a dirty house. They don't listen to medical advice on how to stay healthy. I do what I can but have 3 young children and a job. It's frustrating and causes me great anxiety which I'm trying to keep away from my children. It's awful.

This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in as much external care and help as needed as we age and become frail. That’s not what my father and his generation saved for, they saved to pass money to children and grandchildren. It’s very difficult to spend money on yourself if you view it as taking money away from your children

An emergency isn’t the problem, he’s safe in medical care. Don’t let yourself be committed to doing something daily or weekly, because you won’t get sick pay or annual leave. Outsource everything you can - apply for Attendance Allowance to help pay - and have some sort of alarm system so you know he’s not going to be lying on the floor for a week

Ultimately your father has chosen his situation and he is aware that you have commitments which take priority over him
It sounds harsh but he's an adult and he's completely able to plan his own life so he's made his bed & he'll have to lie in it, I would be forwarding all communications from him to my sibling if I were you.

A nice sentiment but sadly those days are long gone if we all expect to live into our 80's, 90's and beyond. It's that attitude of refusal to spend money on care and instead expect family to do it indefinitely that leads to older people insisting on living in unsuitable living accommodation, falling about all over and in and out of A&E like a revolving door.
The family members I knew that got landed with a 'caring' role would have foregone every penny of their inheritance not to have had that burden. And they felt very differently in the end about said family elders that allowed it whilst money sat in the bank.

it wasnt so long ago there would be a chorus of
'but they cared for you as a baby, now you have to pay them back and care for them'
it seems now that most of us have realised or seen first had that the reality is nothing like that.
Even so I think if we want people to properly plan for old age there will need to be suitable housing available.

Thank you all for your helpful responses. Much food for thought.

This ^^. I’m also sandwiched between my elderly Dad, my DH and teenagers, my job, etc. It’s really difficult. We’ve enlisted all the help we can and it really does make a difference. Talk to Age UK, they were very helpful.

This resonates so strongly with me. Sandwiched between my disabled father, and my teenage kids, a responsible job, and home to run. No siblings, so if the brown stuff hits the whirly thing with DF it's all on me. To be fair, my DH is incredibly helpful but I do feel on edge often. Sorry, no helpful advice, but much solidarity.

It's shit op.
I've got 2 teens, a frail elderly mum and now pils are both showing their age/been dx with parkinsons :(
Dh works away a lot.
Have 2 siblings who do fuck all.
I did work pt pre covid but haven't gone back.
I'd love to but...20 hour waits in a&e aren't conducive to working and I've got health issues of my own. I've just had to activate mums poa as she now has cognitive decline after a new neurological dx.
I feel quite negative about the future tbh.

I would just like to add that the "sandwich generation" is nothing new.
I'm in my 60's now, and my mother was in this position in the 70's. Her MIL, (my grandmother), lived with us, and suffered ill health for many years. My DF, (grandmother's son), was an only child so there was no other family help. And there was nothing in the way of professional/voluntary outside help. My mother had a complete breakdown eventually with the stress of looking after everyone but herself.
And I, in turn, was "sandwiched" between my mother, my DH and kids, and work.
This is in no way meant to undermine or diminish the difficult situations people are in now, far from it, and I don't have any ideal solutions 😟

The sandwich era is really tough, I/we coped because I don't work F/T. So I was the oil in the machine that picked up all the loose ends and knitted the ends back together. But it frayed everyone.

Have 2 siblings who do fuck all
I would do likewise, they are only able to do this if you let them, I know it's easy for me to say, they know they can pull the guilt lever and have you like a puppet on a string because you are the conscientious one....😢

I hear you sister. I can add a grandkid now onto my sandwich.
My mum lives now in a retirement flat which she enjoys. I had to persuade her and pretty much put my foot down. I have also been crystal clear about if needs be it will be cleaners. Then carers then if needs be residential care. Which sounds harsh but she did no care for her own parents, moving away and leaving me to it. The money they left she has kept a tight hold of, so frankly that's what will pay for it.

It hurts me a great deal.
My late dad would be SO disappointed in them.
But I have no option. She's alone, very frail, increasingly ill.
My son always says I don't do it because of who she is. I do it because of who I am.
But it's hard.

Oh dear OP this is a very difficult time in your life. If I could give you one peace of advice never move your elderly relative into your home. Every service including paid for help will put your father to the back of the queue. My father was ill for 3 1/2 years. No restbite until two months before he died. I gave up work and my sanity. He was a lovely man but it nearly killed me. My DC were young teenagers with exams. We lost hundreds of thousands in salary as I was a consultant. Someone had to be with him 24/7. He had no money and nor did we by the time he passed. He also needed proper care but he wouldn't go as he wanted to stay with us (his mother died when he was a little boy, he hated being on his own). My siblings did nothing to help. My sister accused me of stealing money from him (we paid for a bigger rental to house him, it couldn't have been further from the truth). I am NC with her now. Both my brothers acted the hopeless fool and went on holiday frequently. Please get plenty of help. Two of my close friends are looking after DM in their 90s and it is a nightmare.

My son always says I don't do it because of who she is. I do it because of who I am
he is right, even so, you dont deserve to be exploited, and you are important. It seems like a script, one person steps up and the rest so often take that as a cue to take 10 paces back😟

I’m in this position too. I have elderly parents, living 200 miles away, one with dementia. I have teens at home, a sick DH, and I work full time. I also have stage 3 cancer.

However, I profoundly disagree with this: “It sounds harsh but he's an adult and he's completely able to plan his own life so he's made his bed & he'll have to lie in it.” Many, many people are not able to plan their own life at all. Many people will need a degree of people looking out for them. It’s not because they are lazy or feckless, but because they aren’t able to navigate life, especially as they get older.

I think it's probably more prevalent now, as people are having their kids older than they used to. By the time I left home, my Gran was only 70, so not needing any care. My Mum had no dependent kids and no dependent parents at that stage.
However, assuming my kids leave home to go to university at 18, by then my Mum will be 87. If she's still alive she'll certainly be needing my help.

I am a single parent to a teen and pre teen. My parents are coming up 80 and in reasonable health but definitely have some issues. They are 1.5 hours away and rural. I have a sister with severe MH issues and poor physical health so whilst she could go and stay with them in physical terms she cannot so much and in practical organisational things it will be zero as I already have to manage a lot of stuff for her.

I'm dreading when they need more care, tbh it won't be only them - my sister is not that far off being housebound unless things change so I have this to look forward to for years.....

I feel for you @Lovetotravel123 I really do. Even without being sandwiched it is very very hard dealing with the care of Elderly/ill parents. I was retired, but I had my own health problems and I was on my knees by the time My 93 year old Mother passed in the summer.

First off, please stop feeling guilty. You can only do what you can do. Your health is important too and that includes your Mental health. None of us are superwoman although we are still often brainwashed into thinking we need to do it all and that we are failing if we can't

Emergencies will happen and you can't do anything about them when they do. You will have to navigate each one as it happens. SOME will not require you to drop everything immediately even although you will want to and feel you ought to. My Mother kept falling and needing an ambulance. (Christmas Day 2018 AND 2019 she finished up in hospital). You will just need to assess every time whether you MUST drop everything or it can wait a bit while others deal with the Emergency and you attend when you can

I would offer the following advice:

1. Make sure your father is receiving all the benefits he is entitled to. Including Attendance Allowance. Make sure that you make a claim for the Warm Home discount if your Father qualifies, you live in Scotland and his Energy Company participates in the scheme. It should be automatically paid if you live in England or Wales. This is nothing to do with the Cost of Living Payments. The system has been running for several years
2. Ask Social Services for an assessment of his needs, which they have to arrange for you once you ask. They will supply mobility aids and the like if they are required free of charge. They may consider putting in an alarm system so if he falls/needs help he can call them. If he has difficulties cooking meals they may provide a service ( requires a small payment) for meals on wheels.
3. Consider ordering things like Microwave meals from somewhere like 'Wiltshire Farm Foods' or others which are much easier and safer to do for those who are frail. My Mum loved them.
4. If it can be afforded, get him a cleaner/ a home help 2 or 3 days a week. My Mum's was an absolute Godsend. She did so much for my Mum that wasn't cleaning and undoubtedly was a big reason why my Mum was able to stay in her own home. She did many of the little things, like changing lightbulbs, cleaning up after bathroom accidents, sorting out my Mother's remote control when she forgot how to work it and couldn't watch her TV - a host of things, which if she hadn't been around I would have had to go over and do myself every time- and that was a 60 minute drive there and back never mind the time spent in the house.
5. Whether you Father needs carers now to deal with his personal hygiene etc, or will only need them later DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE PRESSURISED BY SOCIAL SERVICES TO DO ANYTHING that you do not have the capacity to easily do. They will undoubtedly try very hard and it is REALLY hard to sit there and say 'I'm sorry but I simply can't'. But the more they think you will look after him the less help you will get and the less priority they will give to his needs. SO DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.
6. Which leaves you under impossible pressure trying to deal with everything. Lots of things will need done which won't even cross your mind at the moment until they happen and any carers are not responsible for doing many things, even if he gets them ( like putting the ordinary rubbish out for example, although they will remove incontinence waste). The good ones will do a bit more, but others will stick exactly to what they are being paid to do and it's luck of the draw. It's like trying to look after 2 complete households eventually if you try to do it all yourself
7. Does he have a POA? If not and depending on his prognosis you should seriously think about one. I did all my Mother's financial transactions for the last 2+ years of her life and it also helped when it came to dealing with her Estate after she passed as I knew exactly who to contact, what all her outgoings were and most people I spoke to ( including her bank) who already had the POA active, did not make me jump through hoops to establish my identity since they already knew who I was

I wish you all the best. It is a horrible position to be in

I was an older mother at 40 with a new born and a four year old when my father passed away suddenly in his 70s . My mother who had me later in life, just crumbled and it soon became apparent that the awkwardness and grief / anger was much sinister as dementia start to take a grip . It rumbled on for 10 years until she passed away in her late 80s I did my best as an only child . We went to the brink and back many times and the pandemic nearly broke us a family . Guilt , anger, despair, resentment - you name it we all suffered. I used to joke that hell not only has a rock bottom basement but there are level beyond with wine cellars , spas , ( think an oligarchs fancy pad ) . We did many of the practical things people mentioned . It did not help that my mother had an odd sort of vascular dementia that meant she knew what day it was and who we were but she could not identify her surroundings often suffering delusions . She thought we all mad . There was a period of about 18 months where she would scream down the phone at me at 4am accusing me of all sorts . Later on as her health worsened it got ironically easier. . To cope we got care in ( mum had savings ) I probably drank and smoked too much . At some point I manage to get healthier and I swam a lot . Swimming was my time and it helped . I read the cockroach thread on here a lot and the videos of a lady called teepa snow . My husband helped me by picking up the slack with kids and doing the endless admin for mum as poa . We took as many holidays as we could and left mum with carers . My career never recovered . I basically left on that 2nd maternity and never went back . Wishing you all the luck xxxx