Sandwich generation - how do you cope?

[Lovetotravel123]

I have an elderly father who lives on his own and has a terminal illness. I also have a child and a demanding full time job. I feel constantly anxious that I am going to have to drop everything and attend an emergency with my father and no matter what I do, I feel guilty about letting my father/ child/ husband/ employer down.

How do others deal with the anxiety and guilt?

I have a sibling who lives abroad and won’t help with anything. My father wants to stay in his own home.

A nice sentiment but sadly those days are long gone if we all expect to live into our 80's, 90's and beyond. Yes, agreed, but that doesn’t change the fact that many of the generation currently in their 80s and 90s feel like that. They’re not being selfish, they’re acting according to a different belief system

You cry a lot, and post on Elderly Parents! My parents started having issues when my son was only a baby, so I had to take a fairly hard line personally that he would never get another childhood and I had a job I loved, so no one was going to guilt me into doing more than I had to give.
No, my dad didn't want to spend money on cleaner/carer/gardener/food delivery/ taxis and of course he would have preferred me to do everything for them. But they could afford it, and actually over the 15 years they needed help it was much more sustainable to have that paid help ramping up.
In an emergency, I did get more relaxed about the paramedics calling me and then phoning A&E rather than dashing over. I couldn't do anything anyway, and though some people got grumpy with me, a question as to who was going to pick my son up from school instead tended to stop them in my tracks.

I had to be tough with my dad (mum had dementia so couldn't discuss) and told him that if they wanted to stay at home they had to accept paid help. End of. And they did get what they wanted without destroying my life too

I can't offer much advice, but I have plenty of sympathy. Sandwiched between job, teenage child, responsibilities at home and an elderly parent who won't admit dementia would be the diagnosis. I also have siblings who don't get along and so there is constant tension over who is doing what, whether we each do enough etc etc.

Sympathy from me too, although no advice to offer.

I'm 45, with a teenager and a preteen, and my father who is 85 and mum is 79.
My DF is very frail, and my mum is struggling to look after him. She hasn't looked into getting paid for help yet. Need to broach this with her as I think she expects me to help out, but I can't with a full time job and 2 children. I have no siblings and we live far from DH's family too, so we've never had any help with childcare from either set of parents.
I'm trying not to think too much about what the future holds, as I need my sanity intact, and my kids come first and they require quite a bit of input at the moment.
My parents never had to look after their parents, yet they expect to be looked after by me with no siblings....

If you broach it with her that will give her an opportunity to make you feel as if it's your job to fix things it isn't, they are responsible for their own situation.
Your duty is to yourself and your children it's not feasible for you to care are for two adults who have deliberately put themselves in this situation.
In many ways it's easier as an only child because it's very stark, you simply do not have the resources to do anything and they cannot claim they were not able to foresee how things would pan out.
It's probably better to leave them to it and just let things run their course.

How do you cope?
I didn’t. The whole experience of caring for a loved family member has broken me. I was in the situation at high intensity from Feb 2018-Nov 2022. I have lost out on a big part of my dc’s upbringing- they are now 15 and 10. It definitely changed my relationship and caused distance with my 15 yo but in the thick of the situation I couldn’t see it. We cancelled holidays, days out, I’d have people picking them up from school unexpectedly as I was called to another emergency etc. one summer holiday they ended up spending all the time I was off work and they weren’t at school in his garden whole I provided personal care. Though I’m naturally organised, I often forgot no uniform days and wasn’t on top of school comms etc. To exacerbate it my dh though incredibly supportive worked away so a lot of the time it was all on me. Thank

I was so anxious as I was awaiting the next disaster- that it tipped my anxiety off the scale. I narrowly avoided being sectioned 6 months after his death. My body is so used to the constant worry about what will happen, so used to being hyper alert, that I can now not switch off those reactions and I’m now disproportionately anxious about everything.
I was incredibly lucky that I have a fantastic employer but I’d always make my hours up- so often working into the early hours etc so mr job didn’t suffer (I’m a ceo so really high pressure and full on) with a different employer I could easily have lost my job.
the resentment wrecked any relationships I had with the rest of my family- though to be honest I feel taken advantage of and so maybe this part was for the best.
the trauma though has made it impossible to do any sort of caring or helping at all- my lovely fil has dementia- I don’t want anything to do with it at all and shut down rather than having any conversations about it.

Sil is absolutely riling against the costs of care now she has realised that the family don't want to do the caring she'll lose her share of the inheritance - which she had plans for. Fil feels very uncomfortable about his care costs, so he keeps saying he doesn't need it (he does) - he's said that he's worried that his kids will be upset if their inheritance goes to care costs - so it's not all about that generation saving for their kids - it's the expectation of their kids wanting their inheritance too.

Sil is absolutely riling against the costs of care now she has realised that the family don't want to do the caring she'll lose her share of the inheritance
Isn't she a peach, expecting the others to do the hard work* so that she can get the money 😲
*is hard even the right word- isn't it more like 'impossible, guaranteed to leave you broken and shorten your life'😥

Such a helpful reply. Thank you.

I did get more relaxed about the paramedics calling me and then phoning A&E rather than dashing over. I couldn't do anything anyway,

Yes. This. I made a long post with advice earlier and said something like this too - but @CMOTDibbler has put it so much more clearly than I did. You do realise very quickly exactly when you have to drop everything immediately and when you don't - and mostly, our experience was you don't, even although you want to and feel you should. And ignore those who try to make you feel guilty - they are not in your situation.

One other thing we did, which I should have suggested in my previous post is simply to ensure there is a bag packed and ready for an emergency hospital trip, with spare nightwear, underwear, toothbrush, toiletries , spare mobile phone charger, some cash etc easily grabbed by the Ambulance People if an emergency trip to A & E was required - especially at 3 am in the morning!

@Silvers11 yes, the bag is a good call, I'd forgotten about that. Also, my parents had a big folder each by the front door with all their medications, diagnoses, contact numbers and so on - and I would take a picture on my phone of the medication list every so often so I had it. As the main hospital was between my house and theirs (still 60 miles for me) I also had a set of pants and pjs for both parents which lived at my house so that should they make an extended stay I didn't have to go to their house to get things.
For those who have one parent caring for the other, get them signed up to the local carers scheme. This came with a carers 'take over' service so when dad had to go into hospital, carers were put in same day for mum and then later respite care.

All extra good advice @CMOTDibbler All my Mum's medical info, including her signed DNR were also in a folder to be easily grabbed when necessary too. My Mother's bag did contain enough stuff to keep her going for 3 or 4 days - which allowed me time to collect washing, get it dried and returned to her, but our local hospital was only 11 miles from us, so much easier to visit than for you.

The worst time was during Covid - she fell and broke her Hip 2 days before lockdown in March 2020. We ended up having to do a 70 mile round trip to our nearest large City Hospital to take her her false teeth......

It's so hard. I am 59. Children 27/30 so fine but have elderly in-laws 95/98 and my dad 90.
My mum, the youngest and fittest of them all died last year aged 86 from a rapidly progressive neurological cancer which killed her in 4 months but I'm now relieved she didn't get frail or need long term care or even dementia.
My dad is great. 2.5 hours drive away. Still drives locally and very independent but need to support him mentally since mum went. In-laws an hour in other direction. Mil early dementia and difficult at times. Fil mentally great but almost completely blind and very deaf. Both still get out though we do have some care coming in for pills.
I had to take time off work last year when mum was ill. It was very hard as it was summer holidays and we cannot get cover so my partners helped a lot with extra sessions. I did the same when one of them lost their dad in November and was off for 5 weeks.

I am retiring in July at 60 as I cannot do all the traveling to look after them all. My husband of 8 months is amazing and will help with anything. Everyone says we shouldn't be retiring in this crisis but I need to in order to support. I would never do personal care. Mil is going to be the next challenge as her memory problems progress. Going to visit us a chore as there are so many jobs to do.

Feeling this strongly at the moment. My parents are separated, both have new partners but live alone. Both in reasonable health but since my brother died in tragic circumstances I've seen a sharp decline in them physically and mentally. My mum (70s) is helping care for my grandmother (90s) but has her own health issues. I live 50 miles away, I'm a single parent to 2 young DC and work 4 days a week. No other siblings or family nearby. I'm trying to persuade my Dad (70s) to downsize from his big house while he can. I have a huge fear of the future. Not that they will die but that one at a time they will stop being able to manage and will need me to take over their affairs, help them move etc. I think they are both in denial about how much my brother's death has affected them.

We had that a lot from FIL. Always on about how they had cared for their parents. Except his parents both died relatively young, his dad in an accident, so zero care required. And the care for MILs parents was having them to Sunday lunch on a rota with other siblings and sending my DH to mow the lawn. One of them died after a very short illness, the other suddenly. Self employed DH lost about 2 weeks work in the last 6 months of FILs life taking him to hospital appointments, viewing care homes for his mum, meetings with social services, dropping everything for emergencies etc only to be constantly told by FIl he should be doing more.

Yes, it is very hard going - have seen my parents doing it recently for grandparents and now think we are getting closer to it for PIL, who are older. One thing I would say is that people's lifespans have increased a lot, but their healthy lifespans have moved by less, so a long tail of being propped up by drugs whilst really not that healthy is in front of far more of us. I think it is almost inevitable that after this generation seeing the realities of being very frail, people will start to think about quality of life over quantity of life.

Yes, caring for someone who dies after short illness in their mid 70s is very different from someone who starts to need caring for in the mid-70s and carries on needing it for another 20 years or more!
Furthermore their needs increase as you get older and more tired, one cannot pour from an empty cup... I've only got the dregs left anyway and I need that all for myself!

I think it is much harder now. Yes our parents may have looked after their parents but often retired earlier with great pensions to do this. My dad retired at 58 and looked after my granddad.
I am now under pressure re looking after my mum. Difference is I must keep working.

What I've noticed re different generations caring is that my parents' generation retired at 50 or 55, on a reasonable pension because final salary, and/or a generous spousal final salary pension after working part-time for years. And caring involved elderly relatives living nearby, doing their shopping alongside your own and taking them out for Sunday lunch once a month.

I won't retire for another 20 years until my mid-late 60s, my several(!) pensions from the many workplaces I've already had, despite paying in more than the minimum % at work is nowhere near the benefits of a final salary one. I'm still paying back my student loan. And because I've had to relocate to get a job I don't live anywhere near elderly relatives.

Oh it’s terrible ! It’s an awful club to be in. I never wanted to be a carer, but someone’s decided it’s my job, as an only one and I’m ashamed to say I hate every minute of it.
I was 27 with two young children when my dad became disabled, he passed away aged 80, then mum started declining. I’m now 65 mum 91. I’m a slave to the phone, even though she has carers and a cleaner, if there’s a problem they phone me day or night. I totally get what your saying about the anticipatory anxiety that is the worst thing ever.
The only bit of advice would be to buy as much help as you can, and then decide how much your going to be available. Wishing you all the best . Good luck

don't live anywhere near elderly relatives
I think this is the best advice, additionally only have a pay-as-you-go phone and constantly run out of credit also make sure you can't afford to have a car or train fares or anything .....basically don't let it be your problem

Just wanted to say, 100% relate to
your post and you're not alone. I'm a Sandwich too at the moment. A Shit Sandwich to be specific!

I feel you.

My only sibling died recently.
My elderly Mum had cared for them during Covid, along with my father who has dementia.
Now she is very unwell herself.
They are extreme hoarders, also relevant.

I'm a single parent of 3 children, and initially I made myself unwell with the anxiety/ possibilities.
I realised that I have no power to change these things.
All I can do is love them, and do my best when situations arise.

It's very hard. Hugs to everyone else in similar situations.

Everyone knows that they're going to get old, health will decline and they will need more support, therefore everyone needs to plan for this eventuality.
It's no good just staying where you are, not doing anything or making any plans or adjustments and expecting that your children will sacrifice their lives for you!

This! I can't imagine putting my kids through managing our care. But people think it's odd that dh and I have a plan .