Mum passed away and inlaws are indifferent

[CoffeePleaseNotDecaff]

My Mum was recently diagnosed with cancer. I'm in the Uk. She, in another country. When things got really bad and I was told to come home. I asked my inlaws to help out with child care by picking my 5 year for 3 days in total after school and keep him until hubby picked him up after work. School is a 5 minute walk from their house. My FIL very kindly offered to pay for my ticket home. I thanked him and accepted.

I stayed with Mum for two weeks. The plan was for the whole family to get together for Christmas. Unfortunately by the time I flew down again, this time with my husband and son we were hours too late and Mum passed away. It's unthinkable that it's Christmas and she's not here.

I've had lovely messages of sympathy from everyone but not a peep from my in laws. My husband told me it's the stiff upper lip British thing but I think it's just rude. They have not expressed any sympathy or words of condolence to me or my Dad. We're all family!

I sent them the link to the funeral on the family chat and the response I got was "thank you for thinking of us" This is weird right?

I'm going to tell me husband today that this is unacceptable! That it would really be a step back in my relationship with them if they don't say something. Anything! It's my Mum!

Thoughts please because obviously I'm emotional and need to know if I'm in the right or if I should just leave things as they are.

Firstly I'm so very sorry for your loss
Secondly, I would maybe pause before assuming the worst. Although a card would absolutely have been the polite thing to do, could it be that they're maybe waiting to see you in person to give one to you? Stepping up for childcare and paying for your travel wouldn't suggest to me that they're completely indifferent - possibly they're just not sure how would be best to address it as it's still so very raw for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.💐 some people are terrible at dealing with death and others’ grief so they distance themselves and end up being rude. It’s horrible.

My in-laws were exactly the same when my Mum passed away. They literally didn’t acknowledge that she had died. It did make me think less of them tbh, and DH was embarrassed. Eventually I accepted that everyone has failings and this is one of theirs.

It also taught me the valuable life lesson to never ignore others’ losses and that it’s better to say something rather than nothing. Again, I’m so sorry, OP. Lean on those people who do support you, I ended up leaning on a couple of friends when I lost my Mum.

I am sorry for your loss, but your lashing out at the wrong people. This is understandable but what will it achieve?

Good morning op. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. Something occurred to me, is it possible that your in laws, or one of them, have/has a problem with death and other people's grief? I have known people like that, they find it difficult to cope with and sometimes it makes them all too aware of their own mortality. Therefore they construct a little wall around the issue and carry on as if nothing has happened.

Suggest this to your husband, he knows his parents better than you and he may agree this is the case; he might even be relieved that you've articulated it.

From what you've said, they have shown care for you in other ways in the past. Honestly, all you can do is either talk to them frankly about how you feel and see what they say, or accept it and let it go.

It's hard for you but people cannot help how they feel, some things are ingrained. Please don't let it spoil your relationship.

I wish you peace, Coffee, losing a loved one is very painful and grief takes its own time. Look after yourself.

When my father died, I was raw with grief. I really didn't want sympathy or cards no matter how well meaning. I asked that his passing wasn't made public in my work place because I knew if anyone said anything I would cry.
As someone else said, you are angry with the world at her passing and taking it out on your in laws who have supported you financially and with childcare.
Don't say anything you would come to regret.
I remember being furious with my semi blind, living in a care home FIL simply because he was alive and my father had died. I never told my husband and six months later got things back in proportion again. Grief is hard.

I’m sorry for your loss

grief can make people lash out without realising they are doing so. Your in laws have supported you during this time, means more than words ir a card

I’m with you OP- it is really shit of them not to have said anything at all. They just don’t give a shit do they.

Well you are full of Christmas fucking spirit arny you 🙄....they obviously do give a shit...cos they paid for OPs flight to see her dying mother and supported her to do this by helping with childcare

When I was 23 my poor grandma died, this grandma had been a regular visitor to rich grandma and vice versa.

Rich grandma and her awful eldest daughter never acknowledged poor grandma's death and didn't attend her funeral, which was local.

I viewed them very differently after that and didn't bust a gut to help out or visit when rich grandma became infirm.

You reap what you sow,

Some people are terrible at handling grief and everyone experiences it differently so maybe be they do think it is best to leave you dealing with it privately

Honestly? I would phone them and say thank you for the flight home and helping with the kids - give them an opportunity to say they feel sympathy. A text message is such a sparse way of communicating, and maybe a card(during a postal strike) seems too cold for someone they see so often

they haven’t behaved brilliantly but give them a second chance

Sorry for your loss.

They care very much for you. They showed they cared in their actions. They helped you get home to see your mum before she passed.

Not everyone can text condolences. Or talk through condolences.

In the UK funerals are often more private - so it wouldn't occur to your inlaws to log in to a funeral abroad for a lady that they are at best an acquaintance of through you. -- I know this isn't how you feel. You feel a part of their family, and are now. So for you that makes you all a big family. But not everyone feels like this.

Please focus on the people around you at the moment. (I think you are still in your home country). Get through the next few days/weeks. Don't lash out at the inlaws.

The in laws looked after DC and paid for your flight

I think this is very caring and loving

Try not to get caught up in wanting what they find hard to give

Try to see their love as they show it and be thankful for what they do

Sorry for your loss

It was nice of your FiL to buy a ticket.
Why doesnt your DH just call them and tell them to call you?
They might think you want peace and quiet to grieve. Mostly, I am sorry for your loss. It sounds very difficult x

For me ‘thoughts’ from other people don’t really cut it, it’s my tragic loss, I don’t care too much what they feel - nothing brings the loved one back so I don’t understand your needs. I don’t really care what others say.

Kindly, you're grieving and it's very common to be angry.

I don't think your in laws have done the wrong thing. They may not know what to say. They may send you a sympathy card once you're home. And they looked after your children and paid for your ticket.

I'm sorry for your loss.

They helped you with child care and paid for a ticket home, that’s caring.
Dont lash out at them, you may regret it in the future.
Not everyone knows the right thing to do or say with a death.

I agree, that's awful of them, very rude. It takes no effort to send a text saying "sorry for your loss/thinking of you" etc and I too would be very offended.

I know plenty of British people who aren't very emotional but they should still know it's good manners to say something, so the"stiff upper lip" excuse is nonsense.

This.

It's a cultural difference I think.

They've helped with practicalities and now don't want to intrude on your grief. I wouldn't either. I'm not sure what you want them to do.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think this is absolutely spot on

You are right. It is no effort to send a text. It does take effort to look after a child so someone can rush to their dying mother.

It is also kinder and more thoughtful to pay for a flight home than to send a quick message.

I think they have shown they care.

OP I understand you are angry - let it play out and reassess in a few months time.

Op I am truly sorry for your loss. My mum died last Christmas and it broke me.

I mean this kindly. But I think this is, in part grief talking. I am also not from the UK so can see cultural differences around death.

They physically supported you in seeing your mum and fil offered to pay for you to travel. Soon, after so many people tell you they are sorry for your loss and it not changing anything, you will realise that the physical support is more than a text message or quick phone to express sympathy is so much more important. Some people aren’t good with these things. That’s not an excuse. Some people are good with it. Some people are not. But your in laws have given you support. It’s just not what you feel is the right way. But they can’t always know what the right thing for you is.

It’s understandable you are feeling angry. But I don’t think it’s at them and I think you will regret issuing ultimatums to your dh or them. You will regret putting your focus here.

Grieving is a long road. And for the good of your relationship with Dh and the in-laws, I would urge you to take a step back, don’t focus on this.

They should have acknowledged it. It's nice they paid for the flight etc but now that that your dm has sadly died they shouldn't just ignore it. All it takes is a quick text to say they are thinking of you and sending love, don't get why everyone is making excuses for them.

I have known two acquaintances whose young adult children died, one as a result of taking their own life. Both expressed a desire to be left alone to process and deal with their grief. They did not want well meaning condolence cards and messages.
OP if you need to talk things through with your in laws tell them. They may well be giving you 'space'. People deal with bereavement differently

I think you are angry and upset about your mother's death which is understandable and lashing out at your in-laws to try to find an outlet for your anger.

They are probably not the most demonstrative of people but they showed you they care by helping with the ticket and childcare. Some people are better with actions than words.

It is not healthy for you to obsess about this and maybe seek help to deal with your grief if you are struggling.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I'm ashamed to say when I was younger, I didn't send condolence cards and messages as I simply didn't know you were meant to. They expressed their care through practical measures by paying for the tickets and looking after your DC.

Talk to them in person, they may well express condolences then.