Mum passed away and inlaws are indifferent

[CoffeePleaseNotDecaff]

My Mum was recently diagnosed with cancer. I'm in the Uk. She, in another country. When things got really bad and I was told to come home. I asked my inlaws to help out with child care by picking my 5 year for 3 days in total after school and keep him until hubby picked him up after work. School is a 5 minute walk from their house. My FIL very kindly offered to pay for my ticket home. I thanked him and accepted.

I stayed with Mum for two weeks. The plan was for the whole family to get together for Christmas. Unfortunately by the time I flew down again, this time with my husband and son we were hours too late and Mum passed away. It's unthinkable that it's Christmas and she's not here.

I've had lovely messages of sympathy from everyone but not a peep from my in laws. My husband told me it's the stiff upper lip British thing but I think it's just rude. They have not expressed any sympathy or words of condolence to me or my Dad. We're all family!

I sent them the link to the funeral on the family chat and the response I got was "thank you for thinking of us" This is weird right?

I'm going to tell me husband today that this is unacceptable! That it would really be a step back in my relationship with them if they don't say something. Anything! It's my Mum!

Thoughts please because obviously I'm emotional and need to know if I'm in the right or if I should just leave things as they are.

What they have shown to you is vastly more important than a text. A message is just words. Your PILs showed their care with real actions. They cared for your clone and paid for your flight so that you could spend those precious weeks with your dying mum.

Honestly, I think you have wonderful PILs that most here would love to have. And yes, there is a cultural difference and they've done nothing really wrong.
When my DH died, I found throwaway "sorry for your loss" messages from various friends in another country really meaningless and ttrite But it's the done thing there.

Please please don't say anything to them. They have been supportive and generous to you and don't deserve this. It's your grief messing with your head. It really is.

They cared for your clone

Dammit. Children

I agree with this.

You are definitely lashing out. Don't fall out with anyone, wait until things come back into perspective. Nothing they could say would actually make any difference anyway.

Sorry for your loss. Losing your mum is hard. Your in-law perhaps don't know what to say (but they should have said something). My MIL, when my lovely mum died, said "It's just as well, she would have been a cabbage"

Sorry for your loss @CoffeePleaseNotDecaff but don’t do or say anything rash , peoplehandle grief in different ways . 💐

A lot of British people are terrible at acknowledging other people's grief. That doesn't make them terrible people.

Your in laws stepped up and gave your family real support and kindness at a time when you needed them, so please try not to let their emotional clumsiness sour your relationship with them. Be guided by your husband.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. And I see what posters mean when they talk about the practical help your ILs have given you. That shows a great deal of love and care. But people don't always get the expression of sympathies right. Sometimes they can only go by what they'd want themselves.
I understand why you're feeling angry, though. My ILs gave similar help to us when my DM died suddenly, yet what stood out for me at the time were MIL's little dramas over the way she was experiencing the event, which weren't about my mother at all. They weren't close. Looking back years later I can see the good the ILs did, but the things that jarred still rankle a bit.

I would bet actual money that they've sent you a condolence card in the post to your UK address and it's stuck in the post with the strikes and the Christmas rush. DH's mother died recently and overwhelmingly that generation sent personal handwritten messages rather than texting. Younger people were more likely to text or email.

That's a really good point. I'm also of 'that generation' and I would always send a card rather than text/message condolences

I am sorry for your loss but different people react very differently to bereavement both their own and others. Personally I don't care whether people message me or whatever. It's nice of them if they do but it doesn't affect me either way and I certainly don't keep tally. I generally prefer to be left alone so that's what I do for others. Probably the wrong thing but I am terrible at deep and meaningful conversations so I let other people do that.

This is very prudent advice.
Your IL's actions speak louder than any words OP.

Sorry for your loss but I agree with others saying they have shown their love and care in the most practical of ways. They sound lovely.

Sorry for your loss, but it's not a good idea to take it out on your partner's parents. They have supported you and your family by paying for your ticket and by caring for your children. Don't say anything.

I am sorry for your loss. YUor inlaws have not done anything wrong though. Different expectations, thats all - I come from a culture where it is considered the height of rudeness to contact a bereaved person in the first few days. I have been bereaved myself and have not wanted any contact from anyone else for some time.
They cant magically guess what you want. They clearly care for you, but have different manners and expectations about death - thats all

They helped you with child care and paid for a ticket home, that’s caring.
Dont lash out at them, you may regret it in the future.

^^This is a very good point, their actions have shown that they do care about you. Yes, their text wasn’t what you needed, but ultimately the flight home and the childcare were exactly what you needed-so they clearly do care about you.

I disagree with posters saying don’t bother people when they’re grieving though. You do need to acknowledge what has happened-it can literally be a text saying “I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m thinking of you.” It doesn’t need to be anything more if they don’t want/need further interaction, but pretending that nothing terrible has happened is cruel, IMO. I now always acknowledge a loss, whether it’s a close friend or a work colleague whom I barely know. Strangely, it’s resulted in a couple of new friendships at work, because people appreciated it so much.

My in-laws did ignore my Mum’s death and it made me realize that I’m not considered part of their family and they don’t really give a shit! I’ve come to terms with it, but it was a shock at the time. I realize it’s partly because DH isn’t one of their Golden Children…they’re not particularly interested him either, poor man, which is far more hurtful.

So sorry for your loss.
My DM passed away last year just before Christmas and PIL still haven't ever mentioned it. No card, no acknowledgement, nothing. They even forgot DS birthday in February so nothing from either grandparents didn't go unnoticed by him.
I've always known they didn't really care much for any of us, DH included but they will quite happily chuck money about to make themselves feel better.
I just put them in the they don't really care but their not worth falling out over category and have as little as possible to do with them.

The traditional thing for a stiff upper lipped British person to do is to write a letter of condolence. They haven't done that. So they are thoughtless or heartless or rude or all three.

Im sorry for your loss op and for this added pain that you don’t need. This happened to me with in laws when my brother died suddenly. To this day they have never apologised or acknowledged that they ignored his death (despite me trying to discuss it with them in an attempt at being able to understand and move on). I have never been able to forgive it and it completely reshaped our relationship. They are now my children’s grandparents but nothing more to me. It’s very difficult.

I think in this case I would follow the proverb: look at their actions, rather than their words. Their words may be odd, but their actions have been supportive, both logistically and practically. They clearly care, even if they are being a bit socially awkward about it.
I'm sorry for your loss.

ZOMBIE THREAD

I've the same experience with my in laws after my mother passed,not a dickybird from the outlaws,they had a similar loss soon after my loss and I had to attend the funeral but I never sympatised with them personally.i feel they have no morals and I will help them as much as I can to achieve their no morals goals in the future.