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Elderly parents
Original poster

I miss my Mum

43 replies

User787878787878 · 23/12/2022 15:22

She's still with us, but has advanced dementia. She doesn't know who I am anymore. On the good days she's pleased to see me because she understands that she knows me, but isn't sure why. On the bad days she thinks I'm a total stranger.

Just a bit of a whinge. We've been living with it for a while so it's not a new situation, but every so often it hits me, especially at this time of year. Like a wave of grief that I won't ever get her back.

I passed a woman my age and her Mum in the supermarket last week, shopping for Christmas stuff. I ended up leaving my shopping to go and cry in the car. I decorated a Christmas tree for her and found an unopened box of baubles that she must have bought before she became ill and had never used. I hung them up but it was so hard. I just miss her.

OP posts:
Rebootnecessary · 23/12/2022 15:25

I hear you and your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself.

NoelNoNoel · 23/12/2022 15:26

This is so sad.
My mum has dementia but still knows who I am. She’s currently sectioned and in a psychiatric hospital. I visited a few days ago and had a coffee in a nearby cafe, there were lots of women my DM’s age (early 70’s) meeting their friends and I felt really sad.

BlueTick · 23/12/2022 15:27

Hugs OP. Big big hugs. DM has stage 4 cancer and it’s just so so hard. I miss my old mum too. Still with us but the process of grieving starts long before death. It’s so sad. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. All I can say is that if we are to live to a ripe old age ourselves this is something we must go through. Grief, pain, sadness, hollowed out until we numb. Our Mums have done the same and got through it and so will we.But yes. It’s utterly shit. I feel you. Hugs again

BaublesandBangles · 23/12/2022 15:27

I hear you. I've been through it with my mum. Whinge all you like.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 23/12/2022 15:27

💐
It’s a cruel way to lose someone. I’m sorry, OP.

NoelNoNoel · 23/12/2022 15:28

It’s good that you’ve expressed you’re feelings, and a little cry every so often is much better than trying to suppress sad feelings.

Thighdentitycrisis · 23/12/2022 15:31

Me too
dementia but still at home with carers going in.
its painful as she knows and is housebound at present due to breaking her hip this year.

it feels pointless trying to encourage her to do more as she know she’s quietly sitting there going mad

MrsTumblebee · 23/12/2022 15:37

OP, we’re never too old to miss our mum, regardless of the circumstances. Jeez I’m well into my 60’s now and I still miss mine even though she’d not been aware of much leading up to her death due to very poor mental health that wasn’t dementia related.

in fact recently when I was unwell I just broke down in my hospital bed and said, I want my mum.

Im so sorry you’re hurting. Xxxx

Original poster
User787878787878 · 23/12/2022 15:50

Thank you.

I allow myself a few tears and then I get up and keep going.

I've been through the anger stage, now it's the grief. The sadness that I feel like my time with her has been stolen. All of the things that I couldn't do when she was well - because I was skint and we were in the financial shit, living in a tiny place which barely accommodated us so guests were out of the question. And now that I finally have financial stability and room for her to come, it's too late.

Most of the time I am quite pragmatic; it's been a long, slow decline to this point. But this time of year is very hard. She wasn't the easiest person to get along with, but she was a very accomplished home-maker who always did a fabulous Christmas with everything made from scratch (including her crackers!). The memories are very, very bittersweet.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. To everyone with loved ones, friend or family, going through this, I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

OP posts:
Whiterose23 · 23/12/2022 16:51

I completely understand how you’re feeling. My mum has cancer and has been deteriorating slowly over the past year. She was admitted to hospital for a chest infection a couple of weeks ago and recovered but the day before discharge caught covid. This has left her neurologically damaged and she now can’t communicate and has no movement.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking watching her like this and she would hate it.
The tears keep flowing but I know I have to somehow make this Christmas fun for my children as she’d want me to keep smiling for them.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas

Original poster
User787878787878 · 23/12/2022 17:08

@Whiterose23 I'm so sorry. It's very hard when they lose the ability to communicate (my Mum has also lost the majority of her language). I hope that your Mum is as comfortable as she can be.

Flowers to you and to all on this thread.

OP posts:
MalteserGeezee · 23/12/2022 17:10

Wishing peace to you and others in a similar boat on this thread ❤️

Borntobeamum · 24/12/2022 10:34

My mum is waiting for a diagnosis but the staff at the care home are in no doubt she has dementia.
Shes been an amazing supportive mum but at the moment, she seems to hate me for ‘putting her’ in the home.

I took her some Christmas cards this week and she did not know how to open the envelope.
She can’t tell night from day, needs prompting to eat and drink, and has regular tumbles.
Despite this, she seems to think she’d be fine back in her home.

I am losing her bit by bit and I’m finding this more traumatic than losing my equally wonderful dad in September. 💔

Original poster
User787878787878 · 24/12/2022 12:38

@Borntobeamum huge hugs. It's an awful thing to go through.

My Mum also has very limited mobility so needs personal care. Unfortunately her dementia has progressed to the stage where it's affecting her ability to swallow, so she's reluctant to eat and some days it's a battle to get anything into her. Funny and odd little things that she remembers though. If I paint her nails she will hold her hand out and up so that she can see the finished result. She said 'pretty' last time I did it, which was nice (she's lost almost all of her language).

The only advice I can give is to take each day at a time. When Mum's dementia was in its early stages, she needed help but was still 'with it' enough to complain bitterly about having care, and would insist endlessly that we just needed to leave her alone and she'd be fine. Ironically it actually got a little easier once it had advanced from there, because doing her care became less of a battle.

I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas, and I hope that your Mum settles in soon.

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 24/12/2022 23:25

I had a weep this morning about my mum as well. Her decline has been so rapid I'm afraid this might be her last Christmas and I have Covid and can't visit. Tomorrow it will just be me and DH. I have looked forward to it so much but without visiting mum it seems all wrong.

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/12/2022 22:26

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I saw my dad today. About an hour, helping him open his presents and cards. Then came home for our Christmas dinner. That felt so wrong. I don’t think anything makes it feel right.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 25/12/2022 23:12

My DD and DiL went (DS finds it too upsetting). They sent me photos and I feel so sad to see her looking so frail.

QueenOfHiraeth · 25/12/2022 23:23

I'm so sorry for all on here with these issues. My mum is in her 90s and becoming frailer and in more pain every year yet, despite the decline, I still dread the inevitable end

Original poster
User787878787878 · 26/12/2022 16:57

@QueenOfHiraeth the best advice I can give is to encourage her to stay as active as she can. I noticed with my Mum that once she'd lost confidence in doing something, she never got it back. I also had some really good advice from the district nurse and physio that see her - that when they are frail, there is a tendency to 'over help'. If you see someone struggling your instinct is to help straight away. But keeping that independence (however small it is) is crucial in quality of life.

My Mum cannot prep food but she can feed herself still (although it's messy!). She can also still wash her own face and clean her teeth. It can be difficult to watch but she's happier for being able to do these things for herself (with some support, such as squeezing the toothpaste for her).

OP posts:
ZestFest · 26/12/2022 17:07

Just sending big hugs to all on this thread. I lost my Mum to dementia before I lost her when she passed away and the grief is overwhelming.

Living in the moment and enjoying the little things is all you can do. My loveliest memory was visiting Mum in the care home at Christmas in her last days and she had forgotten that she didn't drink. Mum was pretty much teetotal her entire life, but this day she had a brilliant time getting completely sloshed on Tia Maria and sherry, bless her.

I shed a few tears every Christmas morning and I continue to miss her.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2022 17:09

I feel you op, I’m in the same boat. I ‘lost’ my mum to dementia a few years ago now - as in, she’s still technically alive, but doesn’t know any of us any more. She can barely talk or string a sentence of any sense together, she just sits and stares into space and frequently doesn’t even register someone is there in front of her. It’s awful to see. We can be kinder to our pets than our relatives in this country frankly.

Soreztee · 26/12/2022 18:28

Strength to everyone going through difficult time ♥️

Original poster
User787878787878 · 27/12/2022 15:10

@ZestFest what a great memory to have, that's lovely.

OP posts:
FluffyFluffyClouds · 27/12/2022 17:47

It's so hard OP. You could be my friend (maybe you are!). I feel relatively "lucky" my Mum just got sick and died and her marbles were all she had left at the end. I can imagine all too well what it's like to have and yet not have your Mum. Hugs.

QueenOfHiraeth · 27/12/2022 23:15

Thanks @User787878787878 I'm lucky that my mum is very stoic and determined so is battling every step of the way!