I'm just f***** burnt out by it all

[OlderParents]

I live with and assist my parents who are in their 70s. They don't need personal care, but since the pandemic they have relied on me to run errands, help them pay bills online, understand and respond to complicated letters, and so on. This has leaked into me being the go to person even though much of the time they could ask each other (they have confidence and skills/abilities in complementary areas). No dementia or anything like that at present. Some ongoing age related health conditions though.

The last couple of Christmasses I have really struggled, mentally/emotionally. They seem to have stopped giving a shit about it, which I can understand, but in 2020 I made a big effort because of the shitty hear we had all just had, only to be met with criticism and lack of any sort of help or acknowledgement.

Last year I did less but still the majority, and decided to work through Christmas since I needed to get out of the house and away from it all for my sanity. it was very much assumed that I would continue where we were from the previous year and I was treated like a F'ing servant over the festive period. I spent a lot of time hiding up and crying, and like an idiot when I couldn't hide it I pretended it was about something other than their shitty behaviour.

In this particularly cold and icy snap I asked them both to stay indoors, because they are both proven fall risks. I've taken on doing the outside jobs and running errands for them around my job and trying to sort everything I can for myself, as well as still some of the extra stuff I took on in 2020. They are retired and fill their days with their hobbies, and yet didn't write their copious list of christmas cards in time for last posting dates, let alone taking into account the strikes. As a result every time I leave the bloody house I have a pile of them given to me/am told to wait (delay going about my own day) while they finish writing that pile (I did have a boundary with that), I am instructed that it must go to the general post office rather than in a handy post box (I'm afraid at this stage they have gone in whatever letter box I am passing and I have just lied to keep the peace), and I'm surprised almost daily with more of a trickle of packages to take to an Evri counter - and of course I'm expected to sort it out when parcels have gone missing at their destination. The ONE Christmas task I asked them to do (decorate the tree) that they agreed to and are capable of doing still hasn't been done. They've been enjoying their hobby and little routines and seem utterly oblivious to how much extra I am doing and how badly I'm doing mentally. My mental health is normally fine but the last 3 years I have been teary/fed up/done in, and overwhelmed at Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to help them and it was my insistence that they don't go out in the ice (which they were happy to agree to). But a bit of thanks, understanding that if somebody is doing you a favour you have to be flexible around them, not the other way around, and just generally getting off your own backside and helping yourself goes a long way.

They've also recently point blank refused to do things that would have helped me out enormously - I was refused to be able to borrow their car when mine broke down last week, causing me to miss an important engagement, when previously it would have been a no problem here's the keys.

I must be painting a picture full of conflict here but the fact is that usually we all get along very well. It does seem to be Christmas time in particular that they both get nasty and unhelpful, and I get burnt out and my patience wears thin.

The bigger picture is I feel scared that I feel trapped in this situation and that it's only going to get worse. I no longer feel able to kid myself that I could move out and they would be fine, and that flipping terrifies me. They categorically refuse to apply for attendance allowance, which would enable them to have a cleaner (instead I do everything) and a personal assistant, and have just not actioned things that only they can do that would help me to help them, like changing banks and gathering the power of attorney paperwork together that I'm fairly sure needs to be reviewed and updated. I am trying to run a business and to have appropriate boundaries with them.

I'm sorry I don't know what I'm even asking for here. Maybe just to let off steam. I will have to tackle the POA and attendance allowance again, soon. There are a couple of jobs I will be applying for that are out of area, and perhaps even me just applying for/going for interview for them will wake them up a bit.

TLDR: My parents are relying on me, taking me for granted and making unreasonable demands of my time and energy. It has happened every Christmas for the last 3 years. My mental wellness is suffering, and I feel stuck.

Move out.

Can you afford to move out? I'm afraid that I would be heading off if the same circumstances. It's the lack of reciprocity that strikes me here - not lending you the car or doing anything to make your life easier etc.

Do you have siblings?

I'd be moving out. That's no life for you living there.

You really need to move out. It sounds horrendous and you need to live your life. I am sorry. In the meantime, can you sit down with them and say "I cannot do everything, what shall we prioritise?"

Are you the only child?

Move out. Now. Preferably to the other side of the country.

Another vote for moving out. This will only get worse if you don’t. You need to set boundaries and stick to them which will be easier if you are not living with them. If you stay, the life you are describing will be yours potentially for many years.

I would feel far less of them allowing you to sacrifice your life like this. What dreadful parenting.
Of course it will only get worse. Especially so when one is left alone.
Do you ever say no to them?
And yes, the only answer is to move out and step right back. Time to start spending the rainy day money and let you live your life.

If for whatever reason you can’t/ don’t want to move out it is time for some straight talking and tough love.

No one is benefitting from this. You are miserable and put upon, which is enabling them to sink into dependency.

Tell them that you cannot turn your life over to their needs and that you need to step back to certain boundaries.

Tell them that it isn’t fair or logical to refuse to apply for Attendance Allowance and that rather than cleaning for them you could be doing things that a paid carer can’t do.

You need to put the brakes on all this now OP, you could have 20 years of this ahead of you.

Move out

HUGS from me!
I don't live with mine but they're still holding quite a lot of my cards and my mental health is teetering.

The bits that resonated with me are their lack of willingness to help themselves and sort out POA etc. Mine are doing just the same thing, putting everything off in the hope that 'someone' will do it for them. Yes that 'someone' is me, or DH who is amazing. There's noone else.

They ring me in the school day (I teach, mum also taught, so she knows!) to tell me to do shopping for them. Recent incidents have meant that I follow up calls in the day as they have been emergencies lately, but, 'oh don't forget to buy me potatoes and bananas,' is NOT one of those emergencies!

My Grandma (95yo) has just had heart surgery and then a stroke but she's doing so much more for herself as she has such a positive mindset. She's arranging her own hairdresser to come to the house, opticians etc. Has help in 4x a day so that she's not leaning on anyone (yes me!) too much.

Its got to the point where I'd rather travel 2 hours to help Grandma than 10 mins to my parents. 😫

It’s difficult to believe your adult child is a fully independent adult. Too much history.

Firm boundaries, I think. Either they are fully functioning adults in no need of Attendance Allowance, in which case you do no more than a third of the housework, or - they need to apply for Attendance Allowance and use it on something that will take the pressure off you.

My mum is in her nineties and I do a lot for her because she's frail and even without a dementia diagnosis she is not able to keep up with our increasingly digital world.

Do you really think you could cope with another 20+ years of this, and of increasing needs?

At the very least I think you need to sit them down and explain what support you see them needing, and the impact it is currently having on you, and get some future plans under discussion.

It's incredibly hard, and I feel for you, but they did not raise you to be their servant, I hope. They wanted you to have a life of your own.

You CAN move out. You really can. They’re obviously reasonably capable and could get paid help for things like housework.
It’s wrong that they spend their days doing their hobbies and at the same time give you instructions and use you as a servant. Telling you which post box to go to is ridiculous.
It’s time for you to have your own life. You’ve become so used to this awful situation you can’t see how abnormal it is.

Have they always been so controlling?! You are doing them FAVOURS, they seem to be forgetting this. Specifying which post box? If they are that bothered, then they can do it themselves! Lovely they can indulge themselves with their hobbies, whilst you’re working and running round after them. Have they forgot what it’s like to work? My mum has done this and it’s super frustrating. She appears to think l don’t manage my time properly. When in actual fact l sometimes leave home before 7am and not back until 7pm, not leaving much time for me. Another vote to move out. Put space between you and them, they need to stand on their own 2 feet more

Specifying which post box? If they are that bothered, then they can do it themselves! That’s a difficult one! Because they’re late, they need to be at the main post office, but OP has grounded them because of the cold weather

It does have to be Boundaries, or Moving out.

One DC moved back in with us in his mid twenties. It was hard for us not to fall back into the parent/child roles, we didn’t quite manage it.

As I read your original post OP I couldn’t help think this sounded similar to a parent describing the relentless and often thankless experience of parenting children who are oblivious to the efforts and inconveniences involved.

As an extension to that, I wondered how it seems to have changed (culturally) in present times, such that children don’t automatically provide primary care for their ageing parents (as they were once cared for as they were when they were children). IYSWIM.

My own perspective is that when/if the time comes that my parents need my care I will provide what I possibly can in gratitude of what they did for me when I needed their care as a child.

@WeThreeKingsofOrientAre i think that you have no idea of what it takes to care for an elderly person - it is entirely different to caring for a child

Bloody hell OP! This is only going to get worse as they become increasingly dependent and childlike. Think carefully about your boundaries and limits, what you can and can’t do - and communicate this to them. Easier said than done I know but you surely can’t carry on like this or you’ll get so resentful.

Yes - it's an interesting analogy but the needs are so different, especially if you factor in complex care needs, dementia etc. You potentially end up becoming a full time nurse. If you can and want to do that, and have the necessary skills, then that's brilliant. But most of us don't and have jobs, children and lives that make it impossible.

OP, we don’t know each other well enough for me to be this blunt, but I am going to be.

You want your parents to:

1. step up and help each other to do more of that work themselves (rather than you),
2. to actually do the work they can do (Christmas Tree and paperwork for allowances etc)
3. to assist you where possible in getting jobs done for them (lending car, having Christmas cards ready to go), and
4. to appreciate what you do for them.

Your parents don’t want anything to change. They have things just as they like it.

Your parents will not do anything to change this. Applying for other jobs out of town etc won’t do anything. Other people are not going to come along and fix this. There is only one person who can change this - YOU.

That can be by either setting firm, strong boundaries. I don’t think you can do this. It sounds like you have tried, but the boundaries haven’t been strong enough (eg you wait and take the cards, instead of leaving the house and saying “too late- bye!”) or the boundaries haven’t been big enough (“all C’mas cards to be ready to send in one lot on 5 December. Anything after that I will not post and it’s your responsibility to sort out.”)

I agree that you need to move out. You may initially reject this, saying “it’s too expensive to move out!” Or “we all get along well, it’s just Christmas that’s like this!” But think in this - it’s going to get worse as time goes on. Get out now while you still can. You say you think they might not be able to survive without you. Well do it now while they still can sort things out, before they definitely can’t survive. As others said, this is no life to live. And certainly not for the next 20 years. How will you met someone? You can’t bring them into this mess.

Take a deep breath, resolve to move out and leave them to it, and start looking for flats to rent now.

If you are in a position to, you absolutely must move out. They are really, really taking advantage and I am afraid that you are allowing it.

If you can't move out (do you pay them rent, or what is the living situation?), then time for some very firm boundaries. They treat you like a live in housekeeper - you need to start behaving like a lodger. I.e. pay your rent but do your own thing and come and go as it suits you.

Yep, you gotta move out.

Yes, you need to move out if you want to have any kind of life of your own. They are in their 70s, and could be around for another 10 or 20 years, becoming more and more dependent and demanding. It is very easy and convenient for them to have you on hand to cater to their every need, and refuse outside help. If you are no longer there and constantly on call, they will have to be more realistic about what they do and what help they need.

I went through 15 years of providing more and more support for my parents but at least I did not live with them so could step back and have some of my own life separately, even though it was still heavily impacted by the demands of my parents.

Because we choose to have DC and all the caring that entails.
It doesn't quite work in reverse.
Surely any parent worth their salt would not allow their busy adult DC with lives and families of their own to sacrifice the prime of their lives in a caring role. I would feel very differently of any parent that expected that to happen.
That's what we save all our lives for. To buy in help as needed and leave our DC free of the burden. And it is a burden.