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Elderly parents
Original poster

I'm just f***** burnt out by it all

47 replies

OlderParents · 19/12/2022 15:49

I live with and assist my parents who are in their 70s. They don't need personal care, but since the pandemic they have relied on me to run errands, help them pay bills online, understand and respond to complicated letters, and so on. This has leaked into me being the go to person even though much of the time they could ask each other (they have confidence and skills/abilities in complementary areas). No dementia or anything like that at present. Some ongoing age related health conditions though.

The last couple of Christmasses I have really struggled, mentally/emotionally. They seem to have stopped giving a shit about it, which I can understand, but in 2020 I made a big effort because of the shitty hear we had all just had, only to be met with criticism and lack of any sort of help or acknowledgement.

Last year I did less but still the majority, and decided to work through Christmas since I needed to get out of the house and away from it all for my sanity. it was very much assumed that I would continue where we were from the previous year and I was treated like a F'ing servant over the festive period. I spent a lot of time hiding up and crying, and like an idiot when I couldn't hide it I pretended it was about something other than their shitty behaviour.

In this particularly cold and icy snap I asked them both to stay indoors, because they are both proven fall risks. I've taken on doing the outside jobs and running errands for them around my job and trying to sort everything I can for myself, as well as still some of the extra stuff I took on in 2020. They are retired and fill their days with their hobbies, and yet didn't write their copious list of christmas cards in time for last posting dates, let alone taking into account the strikes. As a result every time I leave the bloody house I have a pile of them given to me/am told to wait (delay going about my own day) while they finish writing that pile (I did have a boundary with that), I am instructed that it must go to the general post office rather than in a handy post box (I'm afraid at this stage they have gone in whatever letter box I am passing and I have just lied to keep the peace), and I'm surprised almost daily with more of a trickle of packages to take to an Evri counter - and of course I'm expected to sort it out when parcels have gone missing at their destination. The ONE Christmas task I asked them to do (decorate the tree) that they agreed to and are capable of doing still hasn't been done. They've been enjoying their hobby and little routines and seem utterly oblivious to how much extra I am doing and how badly I'm doing mentally. My mental health is normally fine but the last 3 years I have been teary/fed up/done in, and overwhelmed at Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to help them and it was my insistence that they don't go out in the ice (which they were happy to agree to). But a bit of thanks, understanding that if somebody is doing you a favour you have to be flexible around them, not the other way around, and just generally getting off your own backside and helping yourself goes a long way.

They've also recently point blank refused to do things that would have helped me out enormously - I was refused to be able to borrow their car when mine broke down last week, causing me to miss an important engagement, when previously it would have been a no problem here's the keys.

I must be painting a picture full of conflict here but the fact is that usually we all get along very well. It does seem to be Christmas time in particular that they both get nasty and unhelpful, and I get burnt out and my patience wears thin.

The bigger picture is I feel scared that I feel trapped in this situation and that it's only going to get worse. I no longer feel able to kid myself that I could move out and they would be fine, and that flipping terrifies me. They categorically refuse to apply for attendance allowance, which would enable them to have a cleaner (instead I do everything) and a personal assistant, and have just not actioned things that only they can do that would help me to help them, like changing banks and gathering the power of attorney paperwork together that I'm fairly sure needs to be reviewed and updated. I am trying to run a business and to have appropriate boundaries with them.

I'm sorry I don't know what I'm even asking for here. Maybe just to let off steam. I will have to tackle the POA and attendance allowance again, soon. There are a couple of jobs I will be applying for that are out of area, and perhaps even me just applying for/going for interview for them will wake them up a bit.

TLDR: My parents are relying on me, taking me for granted and making unreasonable demands of my time and energy. It has happened every Christmas for the last 3 years. My mental wellness is suffering, and I feel stuck.

OP posts:
Abra1t · 21/12/2022 11:58

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 21/12/2022 10:04

As I read your original post OP I couldn’t help think this sounded similar to a parent describing the relentless and often thankless experience of parenting children who are oblivious to the efforts and inconveniences involved.

As an extension to that, I wondered how it seems to have changed (culturally) in present times, such that children don’t automatically provide primary care for their ageing parents (as they were once cared for as they were when they were children). IYSWIM.

My own perspective is that when/if the time comes that my parents need my care I will provide what I possibly can in gratitude of what they did for me when I needed their care as a child.

Let’s hope you’re not still having to work so you can pay into the pension you’ll need to support you at the same age as your parents.

Musicaltheatremum · 21/12/2022 14:57

My 90 year old father who lost his wife in August is more independent than your parents are...OP I think it is very sad that they are like this.

Unhappymumma · 21/12/2022 16:48

This is quite upsetting to read. You have been such a kind, loving daughter and they seem to become completely reliant on you whilst forgetting that you should be having /living your own life.
If they were late 80s/90s this could be more acceptable but they are only in their 70s!! You could have another 20-30 years of this!! For once you need to put yourself first. My parents are in their 70s and are completely independent. I just couldn't imagine them being this way with me

SongforWhoever · 21/12/2022 17:16

If your parents are in their 70s, most people of that age are not particularly frail or unable to look after themseves. Your parents normally go out, drive and have hobbies so sound quite capable. Staying in during the snow is obviously sensible but otherwise they should be looking after themselves with just a little help with heavy jobs. What will happen when they become really frail?

Greenfairydust · 21/12/2022 17:40

Move out and get your life back.

Because if you stay you will have no life whatsoever for the next 20 year or so.

@WeThreeKingsofOrientAre
''As an extension to that, I wondered how it seems to have changed (culturally) in present times, such that children don’t automatically provide primary care for their ageing parents (as they were once cared for as they were when they were children). IYSWIM.My own perspective is that when/if the time comes that my parents need my care I will provide what I possibly can in gratitude of what they did for me when I needed their care as a child.''

I disagree. It is very different to care for a child and to care for an elderly person.

You choose to have a child. A child will become more independent as time passes. You are usually fairly young and healthy when you give birth and care for a child.

Caring for an elderly relative means caring for someone who often has complex and multiple health needs that will get worse over time. A fully grown adult is much harder to care (having to lift a fully grown adult for example is nothing like having to pick up a baby). Usually the carer is middle aged and might not be in the best of health themselves. People don't necessarily have good relationships with their parents.

You choose to have a child, they don't ask to be born so I don't think it is appropriate to think your child should show ''gratitude'' or that people (or should we say women...) should sacrifice their lives to exhaust themselves looking after the elderly.

Things have changed because people live longer and therefore develop multiple complex needs that can't simply be managed by families. Women also are no longer willing to be unpaid slaves their entire lives for children, husbands and then elderly parents...

PermanentTemporary · 21/12/2022 18:01

You support your child to do what they can do themselves. You celebrate them becoming independent. You categorically don't do things for them that they can do for themselves, because that's bad parenting and because you need them to do more as they get bigger.

If Christmas is the flashpoint OP you do need to consider what actually matters. And you need to get a bit tougher. Leave the tree to them - decorate your own room if it's depressing not to have a tree. Leave the cards to them and just laugh if they ask you to post them at all - 'oh well, people will enjoy getting them in February, what about ringing them up for a chat instead?'

You do have to protect yourself. It is totally different caring for adults, who you can't discipline or even incentivise the way you can children, so don't listen to people who hearken back to an alleged golden age when women spent their lives caring for their parents (who died years younger. And you probably didn't have parents, inlaws and stepparents as well. Also incidentally the reason we have nursing homes now is the hospitals anf long stay institutions were full of elderly people NOT being cared for by their families.)

Soothsayer1 · 21/12/2022 18:06

it sounds awful but what did you expect? they are bound to get like this if you live with them!
I've been very careful to keep at least 200 miles away from mine

OldandTired66 · 21/12/2022 18:12

Move out if you possibly can and exert some boundaries against their learned helplessness. As they're not bothered about Christmas, book yourself a week in Lanzarote next year. Or even this year. You need a break.

Andsoforth · 21/12/2022 18:34

Enabling them is not a kindness - it really is important for elderly people to be as independent as they can be.

It’s very easy for everyone to fall into these patterns and power dynamics.

I don’t really have any practical advice on the how but I just wanted to offer a bit of emotional support, that even if it feels a bit unkind, it really is the best thing to pull back.

Smartiepants79 · 21/12/2022 18:46

My parents are the same age as yours. They are both still living life as they did 20 years ago and would be utterly insulted if anyone suggested they couldn’t manage their own day to day life!
Can you explain why you think it’s got like this?
Are there health reasons that make it hard for them to do all these things themselves? Or is this a state of mind?Do/could either of them drive? Are the local amenities easily accessed or miles away?
In my experience the more (healthy) people are allowed to shrink their world the quicker they age. If they are physically and mentally capable( you say no dementia), then you’re going to have to make them by leaving if that’s possible.

ladygindiva · 21/12/2022 20:41

My parents are 78 and 82 and don't need me at all.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/12/2022 09:36

As an extension to that, I wondered how it seems to have changed (culturally) in present times, such that children don’t automatically provide primary care for their ageing parents (as they were once cared for as they were when they were children). IYSWIM.My own perspective is that when/if the time comes that my parents need my care I will provide what I possibly can in gratitude of what they did for me when I needed their care as a child.

You’re right, it has changed culturally. I grew up with the ethos that you did care for your elderly relatives, I know quite a few people who had aged grandparents living with them. People saved to be able to pass money on to their children. Medical care was less advanced and heart disease or cancer in your 60s or 70s would carry you off - full scale dementia was less common. There was a feeling that children just happened but were a blessing because they’d look after you in old age.

Now the MN view is that you have children for your own pleasure, purely out of choice. You therefore need have no gratitude towards your parents. And any savings they had must have been for supporting themselves in old age (even though the person with the savings doesn’t look at it that way)

you ask “why the change?” I wonder whether it’s birth control, which became widely available in the 60s and free in the 70s, so children now largely are a matter of choice. With a secondary reason being the great reduction in deaths from heart disease and cancer, meaning caring is now a 24hour job of caring for someone with the mental capacity of a toddler but nowhere near so portable.

PatchworkElmer · 22/12/2022 09:50

@WeThreeKingsofOrientAre children don’t ask to be born. My DC owe me nothing, including care in my old age.

SmileWithADimple · 22/12/2022 10:15

They need to move into a retirement flat OP. My PILs have done this and are much happier and less stressed now.

cptartapp · 22/12/2022 16:54

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/12/2022 09:36

As an extension to that, I wondered how it seems to have changed (culturally) in present times, such that children don’t automatically provide primary care for their ageing parents (as they were once cared for as they were when they were children). IYSWIM.My own perspective is that when/if the time comes that my parents need my care I will provide what I possibly can in gratitude of what they did for me when I needed their care as a child.

You’re right, it has changed culturally. I grew up with the ethos that you did care for your elderly relatives, I know quite a few people who had aged grandparents living with them. People saved to be able to pass money on to their children. Medical care was less advanced and heart disease or cancer in your 60s or 70s would carry you off - full scale dementia was less common. There was a feeling that children just happened but were a blessing because they’d look after you in old age.

Now the MN view is that you have children for your own pleasure, purely out of choice. You therefore need have no gratitude towards your parents. And any savings they had must have been for supporting themselves in old age (even though the person with the savings doesn’t look at it that way)

you ask “why the change?” I wonder whether it’s birth control, which became widely available in the 60s and free in the 70s, so children now largely are a matter of choice. With a secondary reason being the great reduction in deaths from heart disease and cancer, meaning caring is now a 24hour job of caring for someone with the mental capacity of a toddler but nowhere near so portable.

My DM would have foregone every penny of her 'inheritance' not to have the prime of her life massively curtailed and be my GM runaround. It damaged their relationship terribly.
Leaving money for your adult DC is all well and good, but our first responsibility is to ourselves. Most DC would be far more grateful being left free to live their own lives and opportunities.

Original poster
OlderParents · 22/12/2022 20:10

Thank you everybody. I am reading, and absorbing.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 22/12/2022 20:22

You will become a full time carer if you stay- as in I know you help now, but it may turn to personal care, caring for one of them or both of them. Assistance may be difficult to access as you live there.
If you can’t move out, would you consider a garden room/ external extension/timber frame lodge if there is room. They aren’t cheap, but it would give you some semblance of separation that you don’t have now. You could have a fridge, kettle, microwave, tv, log burner, sofa/bed. Just somewhere to escape to.

Could you take a holiday? Take a class? Anything to get out of the house….

Rowthe · 22/12/2022 20:26

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/12/2022 09:36

As an extension to that, I wondered how it seems to have changed (culturally) in present times, such that children don’t automatically provide primary care for their ageing parents (as they were once cared for as they were when they were children). IYSWIM.My own perspective is that when/if the time comes that my parents need my care I will provide what I possibly can in gratitude of what they did for me when I needed their care as a child.

You’re right, it has changed culturally. I grew up with the ethos that you did care for your elderly relatives, I know quite a few people who had aged grandparents living with them. People saved to be able to pass money on to their children. Medical care was less advanced and heart disease or cancer in your 60s or 70s would carry you off - full scale dementia was less common. There was a feeling that children just happened but were a blessing because they’d look after you in old age.

Now the MN view is that you have children for your own pleasure, purely out of choice. You therefore need have no gratitude towards your parents. And any savings they had must have been for supporting themselves in old age (even though the person with the savings doesn’t look at it that way)

you ask “why the change?” I wonder whether it’s birth control, which became widely available in the 60s and free in the 70s, so children now largely are a matter of choice. With a secondary reason being the great reduction in deaths from heart disease and cancer, meaning caring is now a 24hour job of caring for someone with the mental capacity of a toddler but nowhere near so portable.

I think theres a few changes.

It's no longer feasible that just one wage is enough for a household,.and also the government wants as much work out of its population as possible, so households dont have one person who stays at home,.to look after the kids or any grandparents that may need help.

Due to the increase in house prices, the younger generation have to move away from the parents to find work, rather than staying local,.this makes it difficult to care for the grandparents. As the older generation dont generally want to move so that they could be cared for more easily, and want to stay in their own house.

Another thing I've noticed, is a lot of people moving rurally when they retire, again away from their grandchildren, nits fine when they are in good health, butbwhen their health starts to fail it makes it difficult for care.

Lots of posts on MN saying anyone with kids shouldn't expect help with their kids, and the grandparents should be expected to enjoy their retirement and spend it on themselves rather than help their kids,. Again this just works against the bonds between the generations.

Lots of societal changes,.so not just one thing,

But increased house prices causing people to move away from family, and now both people out of a couple needing to work to run a household makes it much more difficult to care for someone, when they need to be at work.

pjani · 22/12/2022 20:28

Move out. You matter too! And unfortunately something in the dynamic with them had turned unhealthy. You are enabling their dependence and it’s not good for them or you.

Rowthe · 22/12/2022 20:31

'children don’t ask to be born. My DC owe me nothing, including care in my old age.'

'They need to move into a retirement flat OP.'

'Leaving money for your adult DC is all well and good, but our first responsibility is to ourselves.'

It's a cultural shift.

It will be very difficult to change. This is why there is such a huge social care crisis.

Society now thinks about their own wants more.

Obviously everyone has their own circumstances and can only do what they can.

Acheyknees · 22/12/2022 20:52

Start setting some boundaries! Why do you allow them to say no (to borrowing the car) but don't say no yourself?
My DPs brother is single and runs his own business but is no busier than us. He tells his parents he doesn't have time for many of their requests because he is so busy. DPs parent idolise DB, often ringing us to repeat parrot fashion that 'DB is just so busy and doesn't have the time'
Thankfully DP won't be guilted into doing everything for them but it amuses me that DB is revered to saying no to them!

Whatwouldnanado · 22/12/2022 20:53

You sound lovely OP and deserve better than this. Not lending you the car stood out for me as a mark of their complete disrespect. Selfishness and lack of empathy seems to creep in with some old folks. They could carry on for another 20-30 years and what will you have to look back on? Be firm. Get paperwork for the attendance allowance and numbers for cleaning services and any local day centres etc. Tell them you are increasing your hours at work and can't be available. Find a flat and enjoy being a daughter, not a skivvy.

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