mum dying - what do I need to know for afterwards

[ClosedAuraOpenMind]

My mother is dying. She's been in hospital since October with heart and kidney problems, but has now had a stroke, and has lost her swallow reflex
she refuses to tolerate any tube for feeding, but does have IV fluids
emotional stuff aside - which is complicated for various reasons - how long is this likely to last for?
and afterward, I know she has no will, but there is a house, with a small mortgage
what do I and me tow DBs need to do afterward (in Scotland, as law will be slightly different here)

I'm not sure if it applies in Scotland, but here in England I used the Tell Us Once service on Gov. UK which simplifies a lot of the admin.
You have my condolences, my mother had the same final days as lie ahead for your mum.

Again, England rather than Scotland, but register her death, without a death certificate you can’t do anything to do with her bills and finance, And undertakers, and I am very sorry you are going through this

I'm sorry to hear this. Are the palliative care team involved at hospital? They should be able to answer more of your questions in your mother's case. I'm a speech therapist with a special interest in palliative care but I still wouldn't be able to tell you how long I'm afraid. It might be sensible after a while to stop the IV fluids as they may overload her body.

I'll leave others to answer on the legal side as I have no useful experience there.

So can you have a conversation with her? Does she know what the situation is? Because the easiest thing in terms of what happens after she goes is if she's told you about all accounts and anything else you need to know. But I appreciate this may not be possible for a range of reasons.

There is a government website/page What To Do When Someone Dies, which you would probably find it helpful to read.

Do you know her wishes re funeral?

Re how long this stage may last, you should be able to ask her nurses or doctor, they should answer any questions you have.

Sorry it may be stupid to ask if she can talk, re reading the OP.
I'm sorry, it all sounds very difficult.

can't have a conversation with her. she's just sleeping now, which has been the position since she had the stroke early saturday
no idea if her wishes at all. did ask her to sort out these things after my father died six years ago,but she didn't
sigh

It's not uncommon, OP.

My mum was placed on End of Life care two years ago and when I spoke to the nurses, although they were lovely no-one was able to tell me how long it would take because I think each case is individual. In our case it took from the Tuesday to the early hours of the Sunday morning. What helped for me was that as she was too frail to be moved to a hospice they had a room on one of the wards that could be used for this purpose. A member of the family had to agree to be there with her 24 hours a day, nurses still came in to give pain relief, etc but because it was off the main ward that was the requirement. It was well equipped with a bed for me, small kitchen area with a kettle and armchairs. It also had a normal hospital bed but it was adapted so it became a 'cuddle bed'. It meant that if I wanted I could get on the bed with her and even though she was unconscious I could lay beside her, talk to her and feel close to her. Initially I wasn't sure it was something I wanted to do, but actually those 4 days gave me time to say what I wanted to say (they say hearing is the last sense you lose), work through my grief and come to terms with what was happening. Afterwards, the nurses removed her jewellery and gave it to me and on the Monday I went to the hospital main office to collect some forms - sorry I can't remember what they were. I also contacted the undertakers who talker me through everything and are incredibly helpful and don't mind you ringing up to check things with them even if it's not directly related to the funeral. This website might answer some of your questions www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies and if you have any more I'll try and answer them for you.

You might want the support of a minister of religion if you like, they are kind of experts in death and also will provide emotional support.

Govt website plus I think most banks have info about the legal side.

It sounds like you'll end up dealing with the (Scottish equivalent of the) Probate Office. All I'd say is, don't have high expectations of speed with them.... We'll presuming the one north of the border is in a similar state to the English one.

Well. If she didn't say her wishes I think you can safely say it didn't worry her and whatever you think best or whatever causes least trouble between you all will be all right by her.

I'd say when the time comes, get several copies of the death certificate - ten isn't too many.

On an entirely practical level, once someone dies all the blood sinks back into the core so they will look very, very pale. Freaked me out at the one deathbed vigil I have done.

I'm sorry things are as bad. Remember to sleep, eat and drink if you can
My DM died on Nov 22 in Scotland so recent.
My DM died in an ambulance so we saw her briefly for 30 mins at A&E and then she was taken to the hospital mortuary.
The Dr took my email address and phone number.
The next morning I got a 'test' email to check it was me from the hospital dept. Ten minutes later and within eight hours of my DM's death I had a death certificate emailed to me.
Next, the hospital told me to register the death but this would take the form of a phone interview. All I had to do was wait for a phone call and not travel anywhere. The next morning I got a call from a registrar 30 miles away who spent 15 minutes registering the death over the phone. I had to give him some family details- my grandparents' names, their occupation but it was all straight forward.
The registrar then emailed me a form that I could take to the undertaker called a Form 14. I paid £30 for three copies of the death certificate and these were despatched by post arriving three days later. The registrar also told me there would be a 'Tell Us Once' code with the paperwork in the posted package.
Once in possession of Form 14 I contacted the undertaker.
I used one that was recommended to me, Anderson Maguire. Fabulous.
Over the phone they took DM's details and discussed what I wanted to happen re funeral and collection DM from hospital.
We chose a direct cremation.
I can give you more details but don't want to overwhelm you.
As soon as DM died we were not allowed to access her bank account.
I paid for her cremation upfront but it was a very reasonable £810.
Her other bills - care home bills - are outstanding at the moment but that is because we are waiting on them sending final invoice.
We have the name of a lawyer who will finalise DM's estate. The lawyer charges £200 ex VAT per hour. We have decided to wait until after Xmas to deal with this. There are forms that need to be submitted before a Court by the solicitor before everything can be wound up.
Hope this helps.

Im sorry that you are having to deal with this. It must be very difficult.

I was very pleasantly surprised how easy it was to sort things out after the death of my Dad. He didn't have a complicated estate but I found everyone I dealt with helpful and the whole process didn't feel too bureaucratic or complicated.

The tell it once service worked well.

We also choose direct cremation without a service. We booked it online. We didn't have any service at all and opted not to collect the ashes. I think they end up getting scattered at a garden of remembrance near the crematorium. I can't remember. It was really easy and meant we weren't having to think about arrangements or funerals. It was what he wanted and what we all wanted to. All my immediate family want direct cremations with no service. It's also the very cheapest option.
As your Mum has been I'll so long you may be surprised at how you feel when she finally dies. You might find you feel much more ok than you think you will.

Further to the pp saying the cremation was a "reasonable £810" - if that, or a greater fee, is not easily payable by you, do note that there is a provision via probate to pay for funeral costs out of the estate even before it's assessed.

I requested quotes from 3 undertakers when my Mum was dying, which also gave me some idea of what they were like to deal with - a good job, as she went a day or two before we expected.
I had a dedicated notebook to record all relevant information and actions (e.g. "2nd Jan 15:30, rang Bank X Bereavement dept, was told I need to send them info X Y Z and then they would release the contents of the account to me as it is under limit Q"
"4 Jan Paid caterers £NNN for memorial event" and so on)

And a lot of todo lists on an app on my phone (lots of reminders too, to follow up on stuff).

Insurance can die with the holder so for stuff like car and house check that !

You can post under Legal on MN (MSE are v helpful too) re Scottish probate. Sounds simple enough to do it yourself, which I would generally recommend, as you are much more motivated to get it done quickly than a solicitor!

Hope you can spend some time with your Mum now. 💐

@FluffyFluffyClouds
I think the OP will need the services of a solicitor as her DM owns property. Definitely she can do much of the legal admin herself, like sending off death certificate to pension provider, bank etc. However, I don’t think she can avoid the solicitor entirely. We are trying to minimise solicitor fees, here. The £200 / hr was cheapest one I found.
Also many undertakers publish their price lists on their websites. Much better than care homes I thought at the time…
Again OP, sorry if all of this is a little bit insensitive and upsetting.

Sorry you're going through this @ClosedAuraOpenMind
The hospital I worked at had a booklet that was given to relatives explaining what to do after a death that included a check list of people you may need to inform. We also had a bereavement team that assisted relatives with processing paperwork etc. and could refer to chaplaincy and counselling services if required. If you ask the nurses at the hospital, they should be able to tell you if they have a similar service where you are

Sorry you're going through this. My DF was eventually taken off of all tubes and went to a hospice for end of life care. We thought at the time it would last a few days, but it actually went on for 2 weeks. I don't think he was aware if anything after the first day or so, but we sat and talked to him every day. It was a very weird time, try to look after yourself.

I sympathise with you. My DH had a massive stroke in January, and passed after 5 days. We had a joint account and mirror wills, so not too many problems. If you have to contact anyone about insurance etc, ask to be put through to the Bereavemant Office; as they are specialists in dealing with these matters, rather than just speaking to whoever answers the phone.

Go to house and remove all valuables and all paperwork and ensure it is secure. Think about setting up some lights on timers. If she’s been in hospital since October then insurance company should have been informed. I’d be ringing them now if you haven’t before, whilst you can easily do stuff in her name. The empty house policy on my mum’s house specifies a min of 10 degrees set on the heating controls to prevent freezing.

When my Dad died we also had a direct cremation without a service. They are often much quicker as they use the unwanted eg 9am spots for them.

Start to work through the paperwork making a list of accounts etc. The more you do the less the Solicitor will be charging for.

I lost my Mum in August, in Wales though so different legal systems. However the rest of the process will be similar. With the house there will be loads of different things needing to be resolved. Insurances, gas, electric, council for rates, telephone, tv as well as banks. Magazine subs, broadband, it’s endless.

i was initially overwhelmed, too many strands to hold in my head. I got a basic exercise book, one page per ‘thing’ written down as I thought of it. Can then record info, calls, required info until each item is finalised.

The solicitor will deal with it for you of course, but there is a cost..
Best of luck with it, take time for you as well?

Sorry that you are going through this. DH went thru similar with MIL earlier this year, in Scotland.

The very first thing to do is take a breath. Have as long as you need to process it before you have to start the wheels in motion.

The undertaker was instructed and picked MIL up from hospital on the day she died, although we did not have the death certificate at that point. It’s useful to have an idea of which undertaker you may want to use.

It was useful that DH knew where the paperwork was - her Birth and Marriage certificates, He also had to hand her parents marriage certificate but that was optional.
Tell me once worked very well.
She had a cremation service - there was not a huge difference in cost between an attended and unattended service.
Note some direct cremation companies take the remains away for cremation in England and return the ashes . It can take a wee while.

💐for you, it’s a very sad time.

thanks for all those who've have posted, it's helpful. got the call from hospital this morning so just a waiting game now....
but we did manage to do some practical things today -DSIL checked the heating was on in mums house so we hopefully shouldn't have burst pipes to deal with, and we will use the same funeral director as we did with my dad six years ago, as they were v nice. another plus is that DB says there's enough money in mums account to pay for one, who I genuinely didn't know this morning and has been keeping me up at night.
I would happily give her a direct cremation, but I sense my siblings might not be keen. but it is at least a discussion worth having

once again thoughts with all those who have done this recently, and grateful thanks