What would you do

[MyPurpleHeart]

So this isn't about my parents it's about my grandparent

DGM is almost 100 and after losing my DGF 5 years ago she's living in absolute squalor, but it's refusing any help to the point where she's threatening to kill herself if we do anything

Her house is big and old, her heating broken and she won't let us fix it or let anyone in the house to fix it. The same for her washing machine, hot water, bathtub and upstairs sink. Her house is cold, dirty and to be frank a horrible experience to visit.

She has plenty of money stored away in the bank, enough to leave that house and life her years in absolute comfort. More so I wish she would, I wish she would sell up and spend her money living her last years happy warm and comfortable but she won't. She hates the thought and when I discuss options with her she says that if we so much as bring a plumber in she will take all of the pills she has in the house and kill herself.

I've spoken to adult social services and begged them to get involved and they have refused. She is mentally well so they can't force her to do anything. I've asked them to come and see the house and they won't. They say if she wants to live that way they can't do anything to stop her.

We try and muddle on as best we can, each family member visits weekly and cleans up as much as possible and takes groceries. She won't go out to shop nor give anyone access to her bank card so she has to be taken to a cash point and then gives us the cash to pay her bills on our cards rather than set up a direct debit. When asked if she wanted someone to have access to her account to sort her bills I was accused of trying to steal her money in the middle of a busy NatWest on a Saturday morning

The whole situation is miserable and I can't do it anymore. I'm currently 4 months pregnant and can't carry on doing this when the baby comes (DGM lives 90 minutes drive away) which just places more of a burden on my parents who are in their 70s and also 90 minutes drive away from DGM.

Any advice would be appreciated, I'm at my wits end and just don't know what to do anymore.

I think this is good advice, although she quite probably won't like the upheaval involved in this. Moving house at that age is like asking someone to accept a skeleton transplant.

Capacity and squalor can coexist very easily - I found this out with my mother. But it happens so often there is a name for it, Diogenes Syndrome.

And what this often means is people who are too stubborn and independent to admit they are not coping. When I say they would rather die than go into a home, this is literally true - it happens a lot. My mother did. She was in hospital and realised she wasn’t going home and died, of nothing in particular.

All of which is to say that it’s incredibly hard, most of all because you can’t fix it. And accepting that - and that it doesn’t make you a bad or failed person - is also very hard

You need to let go of this situation and put yourself and your baby first. You’ve gone above and beyond already, she may be 100 but she’s an adult who (apparently) has capacity. You sound like a lovely granddaughter but there’s nothing you can do to help somebody that won’t help themselves, elderly or not (I’ve been there). She may also be somewhat enjoying the drama and attention of everyone worrying about her.

That must have been so hard for you Noshrunking