I feel like my life is over

[CJat10]

Three family deaths in the last 2 years. Don't feel like I'm making headway with grieving as most days I think about them and often struggle to not be tearful but this is fleeting usually. I find myself thinking about dying a lot. I function fine. Working well, no one would know I feel like this and I suspect its normal. Each death was after long period of time of suffering with dementia, ill health, pain, cancer etc. I was main carer for years whilst managing family and working and frankly burned out.
I can't bear the idea of going through this again with remaining relatives or myself.....but two elderly relatives now deteriorating with dementia. I won't be the main carer but will watch husband and child go through it. (My ex MIL and current MIL). Child (19yrs) is going to be main carer for her grandma and dreading it so I will be supporting her.

I feel low in mood, I don't think about suicide but I do think I don't care if I die. I'd rather die than get old and suffer. I can't seem to shift my mindset into 'joy'. It's stuck in misery :( What can I do?

You've been through so much. Just wondering if you had any grief counselling after the deaths? I had it after 2 very close relatives died very quickly and close together and it really did help.

Do you think that you'd be up to going to the GP tomorrow and asking for some support?

As for your DD, is she fully aware of what's in store for her? It just sounds like a lot of responsibility for such a young woman.

I've considered talking to the GP but feel reluctant to take meds. Maybe I should discuss the merits. I feel lacking in motivation to take much action but also know I need to.

Poor DD knows exactly what she faces as she has been alongside me. I am encouraging boundaries in what she offers. There are other family members but they will need to be pushed to step up.

Grief counselling...had a few sessions which helped initial trauma. This delayed hopeless feeling is something different

Why is your DD being sacrificed in this way? She is a young woman with her own life to lead. If your DD was not there and you weren't there, then something would be done. She should be in training or university or building her career rather than this.

@snowshoehare she is at uni. She lives close to her grandma and adores her. Her caring won't be 24 hr carer 'level' but free time given up to it, emergency phone calls and worry which I know is exhausting. The emotional toll of feeling responsible is bigger than practical toll for her
My job has been to try and limit this for her

Why is your daughter taking on this responsibility if she is dreading it?

I don't think your daughter should take on the worry and responsibility. She is too young.

The other family members need to step up! Caring for an elderly relative should not be something a 19 year old studying at uni should be worrying about. She will end up being the go to person whenever there is a problem.

I wouldn’t let my daughter do this.
I know the toll it takes to care for elderly people you love. I’m a different person now. I wouldn’t want this for my child at the start of her adult life.

Your daughter should not be taking on that roll. Absolutely not.

Totally agree - someone else needs to take this one not your daughter. But also, use whatever social services and help are available- don't let it all fall on family.

A 19YO University student is absolutely not equipped in any way to deal with this.

Please consider medication, it can be really helpful to get you through.
Agree with other posters that your daughter is too young to be caring for her grandma.

A 19 yo should no way be taking any of that on. That shouldn’t even be considered an option. I think maybe after everything you’ve been through - which sounds horrendous and I’m so sorry - you may have lost some perspective to feel like that’s ok.

Totally agree with others that a 19 year old should not be allowed to take on this responsibility.

Why is 19yo going to be main carer?

I’m another one who agrees that a 19-year-old shouldn’t be taking on this level of responsibility. Where are her Grandma’s children? How can they let your student DD sacrifice her youth looking after their mother, it’s totally unfair. Please push them to step up.

My DD is 17 and I’d be incensed if her aunts and uncles allowed her to do significant caring for my MIL. I’d tell them to get off their backsides and sort things out themselves. 😡

Your DD is an adult and obviously free to make her own decisions. That said, I have an IL with advanced dementia and my DD is the same age as yours, and I would be seriously discouraging this at any level beyond maybe occasionally going along with you when it's your turn to deliver care. She shouldn't feel responsible for any of it.

@DahliaMacNamara Agreed!

Why is your DD doing it, where is her father and his family (assuming he’s your ex but can’t work it out)?

Also, how old are these ladies and how advanced is there dementia?

I absolutely would not allow my 19 year old to become a career if it could be helped. Especially not for dementia. How has this happened? And what are the circumstances around your current MIL?

i feel your pain, it is exhausting.

Please do consider Counselling and Medication.

You really do need to take the first step and talk to your GP. Only they can talk to you about the possible side effects and benefits.

Is there a grief charity near to you? We have one that offers groups sessions and grief counselling.

But please reach out and do something.

It's not fair on anyone unless they actually want to do it.

what are the other options OP?

Family need to completely step back here and if these family members end up in a home after a crisis then so be it. No one needs to step up and sacrifice their own mental well being. Different priorities need to be made, hard as it is in the short term.
Surely these elderly relatives when of sound mind wouldn't have wanted this life for their busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own and definitely not their GC. Would you expect your DD to commit to caring for you indefinitely in the prime of her life? That's what our assets are for.
Dreadful.

I stopped reading last night because answering was so difficult sorry. When I say main carer as I said in last post it is her sense of responsibility rather than a physical every day task.

Her grandma is in supported living with developing dementia and anyone who has experience of this will know its an unknown chaotic journey which you lurch through trying to get help before needed but generally like watching a slow car crash. Sudden call outs which turn out to be nothing but sounded dramatic, general life admin for someone who is a bit confused

My exH is not able to do anything due to his MH. Getting him involved makes things 100 times worse and she then has two people to worry about. There are no other living children. There are 2 other grandchildren.

Supported living place phone Dd when there are issues. Grandma phones DD regularly for help. DD takes her to hospital appointments, helps with her life admin, etc. If she doesn't do it she has to pass to another grandchild (which I have told her to do). I have stressed to her to share the load. I think the biggest issue is her emotional response to seeing this unfold all over again. If we all said NO not doing it and refused the practical care the worry over exMIL wellbeing would still be there and worse for her

I'd love to know how "she shouldn't be doing this" works. Do I block the number on her phone, order her she shouldn't get involved? She will still know grandma is forgetting pills, taking them twice, a falls risk, a bit confused. Social services are no help. I've been there and done that. At some point we will reach crisis when they get involved but this stage when it's chaos but coping they are not interested.

The other lady with dementia is my current husband's mum. I feel no responsibility for her at all. Love her, but it's his mum not mine so over to him.

The only responsibility I feel to exMIL is to protect my DD

I've encouraged DD to get grief counselling as I feel she is feeling emotionally burdened by previous experiences. I'll take my own advice and also ring the GP. That way I can best support her.

Does the grandma need to go to the next level of care, supported living may no longer be suitable for her

I've considered talking to the GP but feel reluctant to take meds. Maybe I should discuss the merits. What meds will do is lift you off rock bottom enough have the motivation to do all the other things which will help you get back to normal