I feel like my life is over

[CJat10]

Three family deaths in the last 2 years. Don't feel like I'm making headway with grieving as most days I think about them and often struggle to not be tearful but this is fleeting usually. I find myself thinking about dying a lot. I function fine. Working well, no one would know I feel like this and I suspect its normal. Each death was after long period of time of suffering with dementia, ill health, pain, cancer etc. I was main carer for years whilst managing family and working and frankly burned out.
I can't bear the idea of going through this again with remaining relatives or myself.....but two elderly relatives now deteriorating with dementia. I won't be the main carer but will watch husband and child go through it. (My ex MIL and current MIL). Child (19yrs) is going to be main carer for her grandma and dreading it so I will be supporting her.

I feel low in mood, I don't think about suicide but I do think I don't care if I die. I'd rather die than get old and suffer. I can't seem to shift my mindset into 'joy'. It's stuck in misery :( What can I do?

This would feel amazing. Currently feel like I'm wading through sludge

We have only just managed to get her in here after living alone. She pays privately but probably 25% of what a care home would charge and I doubt social care would assess her as needing more especially if they would have to foot the bill.

Sorry op but there's absolutely no way I would allow my teenage dd to become a carer for anyone.

My 3 Aunties does within 6 weeks of each other and they were like second Mums to me and my sister's having no children of their own. Then within 7 months my Mum died of a horrible pancreatic cancer that my sister's and I cared for Mum for last 3 months of her life. It was brutal and traumatising. Loosing so many loved ones in close proximity left me numb. It took about 3 years before the worst of the sadness left me. I still dream of them often now a further 6 years later. Grief takes time. Nothing can make it pass more quickly. In my opinion grief counseling is better after a year or 2 as your mind is more open to it then. Ring SS and tell them there is no one available to care for ex mil. Don't allow your dd to sacrifice herself. She should go to see her Nan and chat to her or make her a hot drink but not be one her carer.

I am sorry for your losses. I've been bereaved twice in the past 2 years and I know it's hard.

I also have a 19 year old at uni and she hasn't been able to help with any care for relatives because she's a distance away and for that I'm glad. I agree with everyone who says you can't let her do it but I get what you're saying when you point out that nobody cares if you're coping.

But you're not coping. Your dd won't cope. It's unfair. I think your ex DH needs to sort it out and needs to step up and his MH can't be a reason, your mh is suffering here too and it's not even your parent.

They need another number to call and it can't be your dd. I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to suggest but agree that grief can't be rushed and that a combination of counselling and medication might be worth exploring. Good luck.

You are all finding the future difficult, maybe its time for your mils to live somewhere more suitable for their future, your 19yo dd should not have to worry about this, is it time now to start looking for a carehome instead.

Why does your DD feel this responsibility?
Is she trying to protect you? You can’t just say oh she wants to do it. She must feel some obligation from somewhere. I suspect from you (albeit you have not communicated this directly)
Get outside help.

Your DD shouldn't have this level of responsibility at this point in her life - she's only just learning to be an adult herself.

She needs to tell SW that they can't use her as a contact. The more she does the less SW will do. Blocking numbers so she can call her gran when it suits her but her gran can't use her as an on call emergency helpline is not unreasonable.

Also, you say "If we all said NO not doing it and refused the practical care the worry over exMIL wellbeing would still be there and worse for her."

If she won't do it then it will push things to crisis point and other people and agencies will have to step up. I'm not sure how this would be worse for your DD than having to sacrifice her freedom as a young person and very, very likely get a worse mark in her degree to look after her granny when you say she's already struggling and "dreading it".

Your DD needs to give herself the best shot possible at the rest of her life and she's not going to be able to do that if she's pushed into a caring role.

I should say - I had a family bereavement and have a terminally ill parent so I do understand how awful it all is. I was on meds for a while and now my self care routine involves taking time out for exercise and things I enjoy. But you're absolutely not going to feel better in yourself if you and DD keep getting landed with caring roles - it's someone else's go this time.

I'm appalled that a 19-year old girl is going to be sacrificed to an elderly person ☹️
Hopefully she will flee as soon as she realises what is actually involved

It took me two years to really recover from my Mum’s death, OP, and you’ve suffered three bereavements close together. 💐. Give yourself time, you may need several years to truly recover and don't rule out further counseling and medication.

I was later diagnosed with GAD and I’m on AD’s ( very low dose). No side effects, I just don’t get quite so anxious and I cope much better with whatever life throws at me. Medication may also help you get through these difficult times and you can always stop taking it if you wish.

Please get a further assessment for your ex mil. I cared for both my parents, one for 3 1/2 years in my home. I am one of four and I had no help from my siblings. We all suffered including my 18 year old son who helped me. My son had to do my late father's personal care (carers rocked up at 11.30 for his breakfast call! ). You know ss will let you do it all. He loved his granddad but it was too much with his college work.
I was left with a career in tatters (I had to resign after my father had a particularly bad fall). I also had mh problems and an alcohol dependancy. It has taken my 5 years and a six month course of private therapy to begin to feel better. My counsellor likened it to PTSD.
I am afraid I would never do it again. Please get some help. Anxiety medication can litteraly save your life. I know a number of people for whom it has worked.

Social services are only no help because you're propping up the situation. They would assess her as needing more if no one helped out. Which is a difficult choice you have, but a choice nevertheless. Prioritise yourself and your DD. In the prime of your lives you both matter more.
Inform social services and the GP you are all stepping away within 72 hours and if she phones you, you leave a message for them, each and every time.
In a cruel way you want things to get worse for her otherwise nothing will change.