Future mother-in-law won’t let son go

[Deb11e]

I am currently trying to move forward with my partner of 5 years. We want to buy a house together but it means he will have to leave his mother who is in her late seventies. My fiancé has always lived with this mother, his dad died many years ago and they clung to each other at the time.
Moving forward is proving to be very difficult, future MIL will not make any decisions about her future, she has very few friends or family, but a partner she stays with once a week. She doesn’t do her own shopping, although is capable and only ever goes out with my fiancé. We will only be living about 30 miles away and will always help her out and visit but she just keeps crying all the time as she believes she is going to lose her son, she doesn’t want anything to change. This situation has gone on for a long time and we are no further moving forward.
Any advice would be helpful as to what we could do to make the situation easier. I have only met her twice, but I’ve tried so hard to make her feel included, but she won’t let me in!

How can you only have met her twice in 5 years, if he lives with her ?

However, you are on a hiding to nothing with him, surely.
If you are wanting marriage and commitment, I think I would look elsewhere.

How old are you both ?

You’ve only met her twice in 5 years? No wonder she thinks she will lose her son! You haven’t made the effort to get to know her whilst he’s living there so there’s no indication that you will want to travel 30 miles to see her. IMO you should leave him to find someone who will accept his mum

Thanks for all your comments so far, it’s given me a lot to think about. My fiancé is 47. He does admit both him and his mum made the mistake of becoming completely dependent on each other following his dads early death. His mum has nobody close she can talk to at all. She is unsure about her present relationship as it can be strained at times, he’s lived alone all his life and she can’t make a decision whether to live with her partner, I can understand it must be frightening in your late 70’s to make a change. I’ve suggested she could move close by so she had support but she doesn’t want to do that. We can’t move close to her due to the house prices and I live 30 miles away.
my fiancé has fought hard to get his work to allow him to work from home 3 days a week to make the move to live with me easier as it’s further away. He’s tried talking to her so many times, they’ve argued too, he’s told her she needs to let me in and he says he feels free when he has a break from his mum, he currently spends every weekend at my house and his mum doesn’t bother about that, she enjoys a pamper night alone.
I don’t really know why I’ve hardly met her. I was going through a divorce when I first met my fiancé and I think she thought it was wrong to start a relationship whilst I was still legally married. It took some time for her to accept the situation. Covid definitely had an affect on meeting but she was warm and welcoming when we did meet. I do wonder if she could be slightly depressed as she doesn’t go out much at all since covid happened. I’ve sent flowers and cakes in the past to try and cheer her up. I think she’s so frightened of what will happen and that we’ll be so busy with our lives she’ll be left alone. I just wish I could get her to see that’s not the case, I have 4 grown up children and older parents too and so want her to be part of the family. My fiancé is so worried about his mum being so upset, she doesn’t seem to realise how much he loves her! Thanks everyone, it’s good to hear other peoples opinions.

I have asked to meet her numerous times. My fiancé only stays at my house as his mum hasn’t let anyone stay since covid. I’ve made embroidered cards for birthdays, sent homemade cakes and done as much as I can to encourage a good relationship.

At 47, having always lived with his mother and therefore obviously never having had a proper serious relationship, I would be running a mile quite frankly.

I have asked to meet her numerous times. My fiancé only stays at my house as his mum hasn’t let anyone stay since covid. I’ve made embroidered cards for birthdays, sent homemade cakes and done as much as I can to encourage a good relationship.

The only way he will become disentangled from this weird unhealthy dynamic with is mum is when she's dead.

If he wanted to move forward and buy a house with you, he would, he'd have done it by now. His mum is just an excuse. The hills are that way >>> I suggest you run for them.

I expect he rather likes the set up of two women seeing to his every need.. he has all his home comforts (cooking? Laundry? Etc) with mum Mon - Fri and then your attention all weekend.

Of course he could move out ... all he needs to say is 'I am going to live with Deb now and I will be round once a week for dinner and any help you might need'.

Same 🚩

Yep, here to join the throngs.

FUCKING RUN.

He’s 47. He’s never left home. Even if (and it’s a big fucking if) you he him to leave, he will be feeling so guilty he’s going to try to make up for that, and it will be at your expense.

I think it’s likely his mum will always be the main woman in his life and you’ll take second place. If you’re happy with that , fair enough but if not I would walk away.

I tell him that it time you and him chatted to his mother about him moving to your area and about the wedding your planning. If he makes an excuse I would ask him how long do you think I am going to hang around waiting for you to grow up?
Tell him then that he has a week to sort things out and he can go back to his mammy's house as he is not sleeping with you that night.

I know men who are quite happy to have a girlfriend and regular sex but are also happy living at home with mammy minding them.
Then with mammy no woman is ever good enough for her little boy who could be 30 plus years of age.

The reality is that your current situation with him is not working and your not willing to put your life on hold for much longer. I don't know your age or if you want a family but you can't put your life or fertility on hold until his mother dies.
I know it not easy to end an relationship/engagement but I know 2 woman who did this in the past. They are now married to other adult men and they have families.