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Elderly parents
Original poster

Future mother-in-law won’t let son go

37 replies

Deb11e · 14/11/2022 17:55

I am currently trying to move forward with my partner of 5 years. We want to buy a house together but it means he will have to leave his mother who is in her late seventies. My fiancé has always lived with this mother, his dad died many years ago and they clung to each other at the time.
Moving forward is proving to be very difficult, future MIL will not make any decisions about her future, she has very few friends or family, but a partner she stays with once a week. She doesn’t do her own shopping, although is capable and only ever goes out with my fiancé. We will only be living about 30 miles away and will always help her out and visit but she just keeps crying all the time as she believes she is going to lose her son, she doesn’t want anything to change. This situation has gone on for a long time and we are no further moving forward.
Any advice would be helpful as to what we could do to make the situation easier. I have only met her twice, but I’ve tried so hard to make her feel included, but she won’t let me in!

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 14/11/2022 17:58

Oh blimey, I'm afraid I'd leave him to her. I think you're on a hiding to nothing there. The only alternative is that you live with both of them. I know what I'd do! 🏃🏃🏃

Pallisers · 14/11/2022 17:58

He'd have to be a hell of a man for me to draw that dynamic on myself.

I suspect your partner will never leave her. If he really wanted to, then he would buy a house with you or rent a place with you, move out his stuff and say "sorry mum but I have to live my life too and I'll call over Thursday night for a chat".

5 years and you've met the mother he lives with twice?

Honestly OP I think this one is going nowhere.

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 14/11/2022 18:02

Well, I guess the first thing is that I don't think that it is your problem to solve. I mean, you should obviously be nice to her and find ways of visiting and making sure she isn't left without support and has a place in your lives, but this is your partner's issue ultimately.

He has lived with her 5 years and he keeps giving her the power - she cries, he stays. His relationship with her needs to change and he needs to do that in a grown up, sensible and sensitive way. He needs a strategy to reassure her, practically, that he will have time with just her without you, as this is what they are used to and it will take adjustment - he could bring dinner and stay over one night initially, for example. But he also needs to be firm. They could talk to a third party about it - do you think your MIL would be able to understand your partner's point if she saw him explain his feelings to a third party and was asked to explain hers?

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 14/11/2022 18:04

Ultimately, I think that your partner will choose the easy life, btw. And then I think you have to leave.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/11/2022 18:08

How old is he?

I fear you may be going nowhere here as his mummy's needs/wishes will trump yours. Sorry

NocturnalUponStLucy · 14/11/2022 18:10

And what is your partner doing to address the situation?

pinkyredrose · 14/11/2022 18:10

He's always lived with his mum ? Why?!

strawberry2017 · 14/11/2022 18:10

Why have you only met her 2x in 5 years?

Wibbly1008 · 14/11/2022 18:11

Red flag !!! Get out now or you’ll always be the “other woman”. It’s a sad situation but honestly where do your feelings and future fit into this? Marriage ? Kids? No chance if he is tied to mummy’s leg.

barbrahunter · 14/11/2022 18:12

I spent years with a man who put his mother first. It is shit. They never change. Get rid of him before it's too late.

rookiemere · 14/11/2022 18:13

Oh dear - late 70s is the age people start thinking about moving their DPs in, not moving out from them.
Of course she's upset - she hasn't invested in building a life for herself because she thought her DS would always provide her with company.
I'm not sure what you can do except walk away.

SpringRainbow · 14/11/2022 18:14

Does he actually WANT to move out? Does the situation annoy/ frustrated/ irritate him in anyway? Is he actually trying to make him mum less dependent on him?

Quitelikeit · 14/11/2022 18:15

Why have you only met her twice in five years? Are you sure she’s not his wife!!!

what does he say about it?

Quimburger · 14/11/2022 18:17

I'd be running a mile.

Haffdonga · 14/11/2022 18:18

You said I want to move forward - interesting you don't say we - so what exactly does your dp want to happen next? And what is your dp doing (not just saying) to make that happen?

Cluelessdiyer · 14/11/2022 18:21

Run

Mehmeh22 · 14/11/2022 18:22

My DH was living with his mum when I met him but he left without a second thought.

Basically, your fiance would move out in a heartbeat for the right person.

And it isn't great she has only seen you twice in 5 years.

Don't waste your time. Or at the very least give him an ultimatum and stick to it

LynetteScavo · 14/11/2022 18:26

There's a lot to unpick here- why have you only met your future MIL twice? Why has your fiancé always lived with his DM? Why are you going to live 30 miles from his DM? This is the time of life when, if it's convenient you move close to parents who might need support in the next few years.

The DM doesn't need to make any decisions she can carry on as she is a do her own shopping from now on. I person doesn't need that much. her son needs to do what he wants. I think he's using his mother as an excuse not to move on

saraclara · 14/11/2022 18:29

How old is your partner?

NoDoor · 14/11/2022 18:31

Twice in 5 years?
how old is he?
Unless
he has a plan to only visit her once a week and actually moves in with her I would say no thanks.

elephantseal · 14/11/2022 18:32

You've only met her twice?? Why?? What do you do at Christmas, etc.?

I'd throw this one back. You're setting yourself up for a world of pain...

ThirtyThreeTrees · 14/11/2022 18:34

This is a DP problem more than a MIL problem. His reaction is far more important. He needs to step up if he wants to remain DP.

I broke up with an Ex many years ago for the same. She always came first & is the most manipulative woman I ever met (only once & she didn't even acknowledge me). His dad died young and she treated him as a stand in husband.

She's in her 80s now & I know she is the reason at least 2 of his relationships have ended. I suspect there are more. He's unlikely to change.

GinIronic · 14/11/2022 18:34

Run. Forest. Run.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia · 14/11/2022 18:35

Am I understanding this right - she's got a partner but she basically doesn't want him to have one? Or is she trying to get you to move in? Is the lack of contact between you & her due to covid, is she not a people person, what?

BreadInCaptivity · 14/11/2022 18:58

After 5 years I'd be seriously re-considering my investment in the relationship.

The simple fact is that he needs to get a grip on the situation that doesn't involve giving in to tears and tantrums.

Realistically what practical support does she need? If he can put that in place and still visit regularly (by which I mean no more than weekly) then you need to accept that he's tacitly making a decision not to live with you.

The assumption in these cases is always that the parent is the driving force here, but fundamentally in many of these cases, the truth is that the "child" is happy to maintain the status quo under the pretext of angst at their parents emotional response.

I love my parents dearly, but there's no chance I'd ever sacrifice a relationship for them out of misplaced guilt (thankfully they would never ask this). In an emergency situation I'd be there in a flash and move heaven and earth to get the support systems they needed in place.

You need a frank conversation with your partner.