How often do you see your elderly parents?

[Septemberintherain]

Whether they are just elderly or have additional health/care needs, how often do you see them and do you do much to help them out?

My mum does get AA MereDintofPandiculation dad uses it for her hair to be done once a week but other than that it’s mainly just building up, along with her pension.
cptartapp I think dads fear is that mum will need to go into care one day, which she most probably will have to when her Alzheimer’s gets to a level where we can not care for her. I think he worries there won’t be enough to pay for her care if he starts dipping in. But he is also extremely tight-fisted with the money nonetheless.

My mum lived in the granny annex until 18 months ago when she went into hospital and then a home. So until then I saw her up to a dozen times a day usually for a minimum of 15 minutes, doing all her cleaning, washing, meals, drinks, shopping - if it needed doing I did it.

Now she is in a home and I visit once a week. It is only 7 miles away but to go by bus takes two and a half hours so I get a lift with my cousin.

My mother in law lives an hour away. Unfortunately we don't have a car and she no longer drives so we only see her when one of my SiL's can bring her. She lives with her daughter so has no need of DH to do anything for her which, given our lack of transport, is a relief.

Short answer - 3-4 x a week on average, for an hour or so. But I work and have young dc, so even though dm is close by I struggle with this.

Dm is 84 and widowed, with dementia. I live 10 mins away, my brother lives 3.5 hours away.

Maybe elements of geography, 'woman's work' and that I work part time, but I feel increasingly worn out by the care needed. Mum pays for carers to visit x3 per day, and day centre x2 per week, which costs £2.5k per month. But on top of that there still seems so much I struggle to do it all. all doctors/ hospital/ dentist/ Podiatrist visits (of which there are many), sorting out house maintenance, financial admin etc. I wish I could visit just for a chat, but mum struggles to have a meaningful conversation and I get sucked into endless jobs.

DB visits a few weekends a year, and does her online food shopping and some financial stuff. Can't see him doing more while I live so close

@StopStartStop That sounds like an awful lot. Do you want to do it?

Not very often but I don't get on with my parent at all. They scare me and shout at me, in their 80's , feel a bit guilty but if they were nice to me I'd visit more often. Live over an hour away.

My dad is 84 and lives alone very independently. He is a busy bee with lots of hobbies. Usually see him weekly for a cup of tea and a chat. He Also comes for Sunday lunch sometimes. My DSiS also sees him weekly/ fortnightly.

I think I remember yours previous post and it's an awful situation for you, you want to be there for your DM but are being expected by your DF to run both homes.

If your DF is genuinely worried about her going into a Care Home the best way to avoid this is to accept help now. DFIL was pretty much like your DF and admits now that he's wish he'd let us put in more help earlier.

Could your dad afford to have a cleaner? Is the entitled to any benefits that would allow him to pay for that? Why isn't he washing up? It's not fair to expect you to do all that.

I think the answer is that's how often DM visited her DPs when they lived a similar distance away Moral of that is, you’re not just visiting DPs, you’re role modelling how many visits you’ll have from your DC in your old age

Yes, he can afford a cleaner but he doesn't like to pay for things. We did have cleaners for him, once a fortnight, but they could never say what time they'd be turning up, so they wasted my whole day in waiting for them.

He would wash up, and does when I'm not there. But then I have to find what he's washed and do it again, because he's not bothered about details like getting it clean.

The system we have now is working for us. I had a massive breakdown/autistic burnout in 2013 and have taken years to be anything like recovered. General domestic work is all I can do. And my elderly dad (who with my mother minded my daughter so I could go to university and work) needs a hand. It was hard to come to terms with at first but I'm happy with it now.

@StopStartStop That sounds like an awful lot. Do you want to do it?

Yes, kind of. There isn't much choice. He's my dad. He was my mum's carer for years and visited her four hours a day in her care home at the end of her life. He minded my baby for me. I don't have much 'personal care' to do for him yet but I deal with the consequences of the prostate op he had a decade ago - constant leakage. I am not in great health myself, but will look after him for as long as I can (it's been about eighteen months so far, with shopping for maybe two or three years before that) and would love him to be able to die at home (in the house he built in 1959) when the time comes. But, he's in great physical shape, and I'm not! And, the cost of living increases might price him out of his home. I hope not.

StopStart interesting posts.

I have depression, anxiety, possible ADHD, have done for years. Mum recently had a fall and I'm debating moving in and being her carer. It has been such a battle to work, it feels like not such a bad fit to do some aspects of caring. I'd rent my flat out.

Some posters seem to have independent parents well into their 80s, that seems fortunate. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know.

I live about an hour away from my 79 year old mum and visit her on the bus once a week. I speak to her on the phone almost every day. I do very little for her practically because she doesn't want me to.

It got to breaking point for me about a year ago trying to juggle ill elderly parent and SN teens and part time job and run a home.

We did arrange for mum to go to a day centre a few times a week on top of daily carers.

I suggest you contact adult social care for an assessment. They assess your parents needs and they can offer you a carer assessment as well.

It depends on your parents financial situation as to whether the council will help or fully fund support.

Dont make yourself ill trying to do it all. You have to be well mentally and physically in order to help them.
She was in hospital earlier this year and we busted a gut trying to visit everyday, but it just isn't viable long term. And in the end I said I cant keep doing this.

Mum is now in a care home.

I try and either pop in there once a week or take her out once a week for a couple of hours.

Once a week and I usually stay overnight as I live 50 miles away. He has carers twice a day and a good local support network. We speak on the phone usually twice a day and I do all his house admin/bills, shopping etc.

I see 82 year old DM almost every day - take her to all appointments/online shopping/some admin. She has some mobility issues/doesn't drive/some memory issues - but is generally 'ok' and is still giving music lessons! DF passed away not so long ago, but he was driving/cooking/helping with my house/did the ironing! I'm of Chinese heritage & it was instilled in us to always 'look after' our parents. I do my best

Some posters seem to have independent parents well into their 80s, that seems fortunate. Parents who are independent in their 80s tend to live on into their 90s. So instead of dealing with them in your 50s, you’re dealing with them in your 60s, by which time you’re beginning to collect the panoply of thyroid, blood pressure etc pills which seem an inescapable part of ageing

oh there's never a good time for all this, I just meant it seems amazing to me to have very independent parents in their 80s.

i'm in my 40s as I was a late baby. But I'm now less angry about having good years ruined because lockdown ruined my life anyway so <shrug>

my old life is gone, I don't seem to have one now so if I have to move in with mum, it might not be bad.

My dm is 90 and lives in the same village as me.
She had a fall and I stayed with her for a few months.
I backed a way a little as needed to get back to home and family - grown but still at home.
I now have it down to one visit a day when I go over late afternoon to do her tea and prepare for evening.

I need to get back to some kind of paying job, but having to check her each day, do her appts, admin, housework, shopping and cooking and be available to respond when her call alert goes off makes it impossible.

I arranged meals on wheels for lunchtime and had arranged a carer to come in for a couple of hours per week, but she decided she didn't like the meals and didn't see any need for a carer as doesn't see there is a need!

She has enough money to make life easier for us both right now, eg a suitable shower, carer etc to enable me to go out and earn a wage, but she wants to save it for my inheritance! - I could cry

@AmoebicSquid
I can relate to that!
There's an underlying attitude that the 'children' (I'm 65) should and will make it all right. It's more comfortable for the elderly to see us, rather than have to relate to new people.

Amoebic have you talked to her about that and if so, what does she say? What sort of things does she use the call alert for, do you mean like an emergency button thing?

Stop I thought it sounded like you were okay with what you are doing, to some extent? Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick.

My dad 87 lives in an annexe to our house so we see him every day.

It works but sometimes I wish he had his own place because often I'd like to end my marriage but I feel stuck here.

My parents no longer here, we see DH parents together once a week but he sees his parents every Monday having dropped his hours at work to help them out. FIL no longer drives, MIL never did, FIL has health issues which we try and get appts for on Mondays so DH can take him and also gets shopping, does their garden and any odd jobs. They didn’t want this but certainly keep DH very busy now!

It's difficult to talk to her about this because I don't wish her to feel like a 'burden' - or that I'm 'putting my life on hold'
It feels like I'm being a bit of a martyr, sacrificing myself. I would have hoped that she would be able to see what it is doing to me (you should see my overdraft 😁), and I think that she does on some level.

I am going to have to try again though. The annoying thing is she takes proper note of other peoples suggestions but not mine!!!!

Everything is such a fight! It took months of negotiation for her to concede to a wheelchair so I can get her out and about, for example. I just want her to spend her money now to make her life more comfortable.

The alarm she has is around her neck and automatically rings programmed phone numbers until a response is received - from me. She has used it three times over the last 8 years or so, when she has fallen and can't get up herself and once when she broke her hip. It is a godsend and proven it's worth for certain. However it goes off several times a week when she accidentally sets it of and I leap into action.

She takes much more notice if a man is giving her the advice too 🤬

Yes I think you're right, there is a lot of that going on. She is quite a private person too.