Not even a 'happy birthday'

[bringincrazyback]

Just want to preface this by saying I realise I’m lucky to still have my mum now she’s 82, and I do love her. But it’s my birthday today and she hasn’t even wished me a happy birthday.

She lives with me and DH, I'm her carer, and I do everything for her. Mainly because she won't do things for herself rather than because she can't. (Long/complicated story.) She's been diagnosed with mild cognitive dysfunction and some memory issues, no dementia that we’re aware of. I do everything besides her personal care (which she can and does manage herself, by her preference), on top of working full-time and having my own health issues.

I know it might sound childish and selfish of me to care about this, but it's because saying 'happy birthday' is just such a small, natural thing for most people to say and it seems I’m not worth even that. Not even worth the effort of opening her mouth and saying two words. I just feel so taken for granted.

She didn't even wish me after I referenced my birthday in conversation (which I did to give her the benefit of the doubt in case she'd forgotten.) But I don’t think she forgot. I think she thinks it isn’t necessary to say ‘happy birthday’ to someone because they’re just supposed to automatically know they’re wished one. She's been that way all her life. Same reason why I’m only infrequently thanked for things I do, and haven’t been told I’m loved in decades, I guess.

Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt right now that she might have written the card DH bought her to give to me, but the lack of a simple ‘happy birthday’ has landed hard. I’ve been fed this crap about how I’m supposed to just ‘know’ she loves me, cares, appreciates me etc in the face of behaviour that says the opposite for my entire life now. I often feel like I don't know what it's like to have a mother in the sense that most women get to experience having one. And right now (coming on top of umpteen other things that have happened lately) I feel like I don't matter to her at all, not even on my birthday. Everything is about her now in her head, and that's all there is to it.

Sorry if this sounds whiny. I just needed to vent.

With all that going on, I feel really selfish saying the lack of a ‘happy birthday’ was upsetting, but it’s the very fact of its being such a simple thing to say, and yet it was absent, and on top of other things recently it just made me feel like some kind of servant.

I don't think any of us would blame you for being upset or feeling like a servant and I certainly don't think you're being selfish. You are doing SO much for your mum but she won't do anything to make it any easier for you. It works for her ...

I feel for you. Although I'm not in the same position, something you said really resonated, apologies for hijack and talking about my own situation but you've struck a chord with this behaviour

The difficulty is, she genuinely never seems to see that the things she does are hurtful and I get a lot of 'I don't know how you could ever even think that', and similar, when she's called out on selfish behaviour.

My partner does this. And I could never find the words to describe it. Just today, we were at football in the rain with our youngest DS. When we finally got home, all of us wet through, I went to drop a parcel at our neighbours' house. Partner let himself into the house, took his coat, shoes etc off, went to the bathroom, got himself a drink. He left DS soaking wet in the hallway, with football boots on (that he couldn't undo himself) unable to come into the house until they were off. I came back a few minutes later - I then had to help DS out of his football clothes and boots in the hallway outside the flat, still soaking wet myself. Partner was sitting on the sofa looking at his phone. In some odd way, he is completely incapable of seeing anyone else's needs. If I asked why he hadn't helped DS, or told him how selfish it seemed, he would have been completely overcome with righteous outrage at my misjudgement of him. He genuinely can't see why I would think he'd done anything wrong because "he was wet too! - he needed to get dry." That's it, to him. It's not something I've ever encountered in anyone else, so thank you. I feel less alone.

Just to add - I think there is some actual issue that prevents them "seeing" that other people have the same wants and needs as them. So it isn't necessarily personal to you, I mean, if that helps at all. And a late happy birthday!

I have/had a different relationship with my mum from what you have described but one of the first signs of dementia in her was that she stopped remembering my birthday or Christmas.

I was going to say something similar. My DM was in care, and if I called in to visit on my actual birthday she would wish me Happy Birthday - partly I believe beause the rest home had a blackboard with the date written on it. However, I had to work on my 60th so couldn't visit, and she never mentioned my birthday at all. She was the person who made the most fuss of me on my birthdays throughout most of my life, so I didn't get upset by her not remembering, it was just part of her memory loss.

bringincrazyback

A belated happy birthday to you

re your comment:
"even when I was little I can remember her never being able to remember people’s names, for example, and she was always prone to odd misunderstandings".

She never cared enough to remember people's names because they were not that important to her. They were not people in authority she happened to be afraid of. They were, like you are now, bit part players with her being at the centre of her universe. I am not surprised to read any of the above frankly and you may also want to read and or post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the Relationships pages of this site.

You have also received the special training that now adult children of a narcissistic parent receive. This enabled her to move into your home. She has trained you, as she did with her late H, to put herself first with your own needs and wants dead last. She is doing this to you because she can. Also wishing you a happy birthday takes the attention off her and that is why she did not say that. She also has NO empathy or insight; two qualities which you yourself have in spades.

I would now go all out to make your life at home easier for you in terms of getting her out of your home entirely. It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and you will not be at all thanked by her for all you are doing for her.

Ultimately you will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Thanks folks, and I'm sorry to hear others have been through similar with loved ones.

Friday felt like a bit of, not exactly a wake-up call as I've known for a while now I can no longer expect very much at all by way of appreciation, but a further 'prod' so to speak. I think for the sake of our relationship and my mental/physical health (and my marriage) I need to start outsourcing some of the work of caring for my mum. @crosstalk I don't think my mum would be entitled to carers' allowance as she has too much in the way of assets, but I am looking into whether she's entitled to attendance allowance as she's definitely not able to cope without assistance.

Just to add - I think there is some actual issue that prevents them "seeing" that other people have the same wants and needs as them. So it isn't necessarily personal to you, I mean, if that helps at all. And a late happy birthday!

@Noideaatall I suspect this is exactly the issue and I'm sorry to hear your partner can be like this too.

PS the weird thing is she had written the date of my birthday in both her diaries, which she does use daily. And yet she still had to be prompted to give me the card DH had bought for her to give to me, she wrote it and then didn't give it to me. There's obviously stuff going on here that I'm going to have to accept will never make sense.

The really galling thing is, my mum is utterly convinced that she and her ways are completely normal and it's the rest of the world that's unreasonable/strange for challenging anything she does or doesn't do. It's like living in a parallel universe sometimes. rueful laugh

I think this is all spot on, sadly. I do often find that posts in the Stately Homes threads resonate with me.

I'm pretty sure she would be entitled to attendance allowance - it's not means tested - and if she is living with you and needing round the clock support, she should be entitled to the higher rate .

That's useful to know, thanks. Possibly not round the clock, but she definitely can't manage without daily support and the need is increasing as she ages.

That's a really good observation of life in sheltered accommodation. If only I could convince my dad to go somewhere like that. He would be much happier than living alone, where his only company is his cat. I wouldn't have to phone him every single day then!

I absolutely get this. I think it's the sane with my dad. He sees me as an extension of himself. For my 50th birthday i didn't get a card and when I took him shopping for a new mattress he bought me a pack of half price pillows and said that was my present! Gee thanks dad! And yet what really pisses me off I'd that he'll go to great lengths to get cards and presents for his grand daughters, etc. I'm just a nobody and someone who does everything for him.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Your last line 'I'm just a nobody and someone who does everything for him' is unfortunately how my mum treats me now too and I know how hurtful it is.

My mum couldn't even be bothered writing anything in the birthday card apart from my name plus 'Mum' and a couple of kisses. She used to at least take the trouble to write something nice in my cards. (I know I must sound very hung up on cards, it's just that it's such a small and easy thing to do, especially when she doesn't even have to shop for the card herself, and I'm clearly not even worth that to her any more.)

And yet I know that come Christmas she'll be on at me to get Christmas cards for her to send to people who never bother contacting her, and to choose presents from her, with zero guidance from her, for other family members. (She won't even tell me how much she wants to spend when she does this - every single decision is left to me which is incredibly stressful on top of the stresses of my own life.) Meanwhile I'd get nothing if it wasn't for DH getting her a card to give to me, which he always does (bless him) to help cushion the hurt a little.

Clearly I'm going to have to adjust my expectations to zero as far as appreciation or gratitude are concerned, which is why I'm planning to start getting outside help in, otherwise I'll just burn myself up with resentment.

My mum couldn't even be bothered writing anything in the birthday card apart from my name plus 'Mum' and a couple of kisses
My dm has great form for this. Found my old wedding card from her the other day, literally just 'Mum & Dad'
That's it! Dh & I joke that one pen has lasted her a lifetime as there's no way she's EVER going to write anything nice or as she would say "unnecessary"
She's not going to change now.

Go out for a lovely meal with your husband this evening to celebrate and leave the miserable old trout at home.

Another shout out for “miserable old trout”. I’m going to remember to use that one frequently as there are quite a few people in my life who fit the description! 😂