Not even a 'happy birthday'

[bringincrazyback]

Just want to preface this by saying I realise I’m lucky to still have my mum now she’s 82, and I do love her. But it’s my birthday today and she hasn’t even wished me a happy birthday.

She lives with me and DH, I'm her carer, and I do everything for her. Mainly because she won't do things for herself rather than because she can't. (Long/complicated story.) She's been diagnosed with mild cognitive dysfunction and some memory issues, no dementia that we’re aware of. I do everything besides her personal care (which she can and does manage herself, by her preference), on top of working full-time and having my own health issues.

I know it might sound childish and selfish of me to care about this, but it's because saying 'happy birthday' is just such a small, natural thing for most people to say and it seems I’m not worth even that. Not even worth the effort of opening her mouth and saying two words. I just feel so taken for granted.

She didn't even wish me after I referenced my birthday in conversation (which I did to give her the benefit of the doubt in case she'd forgotten.) But I don’t think she forgot. I think she thinks it isn’t necessary to say ‘happy birthday’ to someone because they’re just supposed to automatically know they’re wished one. She's been that way all her life. Same reason why I’m only infrequently thanked for things I do, and haven’t been told I’m loved in decades, I guess.

Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt right now that she might have written the card DH bought her to give to me, but the lack of a simple ‘happy birthday’ has landed hard. I’ve been fed this crap about how I’m supposed to just ‘know’ she loves me, cares, appreciates me etc in the face of behaviour that says the opposite for my entire life now. I often feel like I don't know what it's like to have a mother in the sense that most women get to experience having one. And right now (coming on top of umpteen other things that have happened lately) I feel like I don't matter to her at all, not even on my birthday. Everything is about her now in her head, and that's all there is to it.

Sorry if this sounds whiny. I just needed to vent.

I’ve been fed this crap about how I’m supposed to just ‘know’ she loves me, cares, appreciates me etc in the face of behaviour that says the opposite for my entire life now.

Why let her come and live with you when she sounds like a horrible mum? I’d be telling her she needs to be a bit more grateful for all you do for her. A kind word or a thank you would go far. She’s selfish and needs to hear that. If she doesn’t change, I’d tell her to find somewhere else to live, you’re entitled to a life where you are treated kindly and with respect in your own home. It’s not all about her and she needs to realise that, your life sounds very busy and difficult, you need to look after yourself.

And Happy Birthday. 🎉 🍰 🎁 🥳 Please do something lovely which makes you happy to mark it!

She's horrible to you. Even though you've bent over backwards to care for her, she's still horrible to you.

And yes Happy Birthday!🍾🎉

Go out for a lovely meal with your husband this evening to celebrate and leave the miserable old trout at home.

Thanks @TeamHerbivore - thankfully DH is making a fuss of me and so are my friends and work colleagues, which all helps. 🍰 🎁 🥳

It's difficult to explain why my mum is like she is (even to myself) - she just won’t do anything. Always been like this. Literally won’t do anything beyond what is essential for her to do. Since pathological demand avoidance was identified I’ve been feeling it applies to her, but no official diagnosis or anything like that.

She took my dad’s passing very hard, but the not doing anything isn’t a new thing. My dad waited on her hand and foot, and although she swears blind she doesn’t expect me to do the same, I have to because she just does nothing for herself apart from personal care, getting her breakfast/cups of tea and putting the TV on. Not because she can't, she just won't. And at her age I wouldn't necessarily expect her to (apart from anything, I think she's too entrenched in her habits and mindsets now), but the lack of appreciation on top of it all is a bitter pill sometimes.

She was desperate not to go into a home, and I believe if she went into one she'd die, just retreat so far into herself that she'd stop living. I can't do that to her, but am considering getting carers in to help me with some of the load. I just can't continue much longer without outside assistance. She swears she's not depressed, personally I think she is somewhat, but she refuses to even countenance the possibility let alone accept treatment. And to be honest, there's been such a consistent pattern of selfishness and narcissism all her life that I think she'd still be much like this even if she was depressed and treated successfully. That makes me sad for her, but sad for the situation in puts me in too.

Thanks for understanding. She's been more and more difficult lately and this has landed hard today.

If she can do her own personal care, what are you doing for her? Being a general servant? Don't pander to her, do the stuff she absolutely cannot safely do, encouraging independence in other things.

(Awaiting the usual posts berating you for daring to be negative about a parent and how lucky you should be to have one even if they are horrible!)

Thanks! And LOL @ trout 😄

We're having to order in as DH is recovering from Covid, the plan was for us all to eat together and find a film to watch. Can't say I'm 'feeling' that plan so far, though. As things are atm, I'd rather just spend the evening with DH but I don't want to be cruel.

Thing is, I know her MO. At some point I'll go into her living room, the card may or may not be there, and if the lack of a birthday greeting is brought up she'll go into full on victim/tears mode and come out with something like 'I was waiting till you'd finished work to wish you a happy birthday', 'I was waiting to give you your card' or whatever, resulting in guilt for me when to most people it'd come naturally to say happy birthday. It's classic DARVO and can be a real head-f*ck, so for now I'm just focusing on work and going to see how I feel after that.

The difficulty is, she genuinely never seems to see that the things she does are hurtful and I get a lot of 'I don't know how you could ever even think that', and similar, when she's called out on selfish behaviour. It'll never change, but I know I need to get working on changes to how I manage her care or my marriage and life will combust as well. #sad

Well, happy birthday @bringincrazyback!!!

I'm glad your DH is making an effort and I hope you can enjoy the rest of your day

Go out for a lovely meal with your husband this evening to celebrate and leave the miserable old trout at home.

😂this made me lol.

My DF is 85 and it was always drummed into me by DM that he's a lazy sod! But since DM passed away it's been a real eye opener. He's not the man i was led to believe he was. He can't drive so I take him to all his appointments and he always thanks me and puts petrol in the car. He lives alone and does all his own cooking and cleaning. He has macular degeneration too and I help when I can but he rarely asks me. He's so independent. We've got a relationship we never really has when DM was alive.

So sadly for you op, it does show that your DM is being really uncaring and selfish. It's so hard to tell a parent how you feel but as others have said, it does need saying. You'll only have to say it once I bet!

Good luck and I wish you a happy Birthday 🎂 Go treat yourself and tell yourself you're amazing!

Happy Birthday, bringincrazyback 🎂💐

Narcissists hate other people's birthdays - how dare someone have a day that's not about them! But it sounds like you've got the measure of her so I just want to say it's not about you. I know that sounds daft but if you were a different person but still her daughter, she'd be the same. That doesn't stop the hurt, I get it, but having an understanding of their thinking helps, IMO, to try and live with it, while you have to.

No, she will never have done anything wrong or hurtful in her life, she is incapable of being wrong. It's always someone else's fault or misunderstanding etc etc etc.

I think it would be a good idea for you to get some outside help with her. You owe her nothing, you're already doing so much for her, it's time to do more for you

Thanks peeps, it helps to know people understand. I had a longer reply written out but my browser ate it, grr. I definitely think there is something psychological in the mix which genuinely limits her abilities and world view and I make many allowances for that (probably too many for her own good), but I also believe she's capable of understanding that there are certain things she should say and do (mainly because she used to do them - like saying happy birthday, for instance!), and she just won't. It's very much like looking after a child sometimes even without dementia in the mix (as far as we can tell at present, though I do think it might be on the cards sadly.)

At least recent happenings have forced me to take stock and realise I need to start getting some assistance in from carers or similar. This can't continue - I no longer even believe I'm the best person to look after her full time, because she makes more effort with people who come in from outside and I think that's beneficial for her. Just one more reason why I'm going to start getting some help in, just a little for now, and see if that improves things a bit. I can but hope. smiles wryly

Happy birthday! You cannot change her- only yourself. And I totally get the constant hurt and disappointment.
please get carers in, put yourself and your dh first. Your happiness matters.

Happy birthday @bringincrazyback
fully agree with @VanillaParkersBowl i gave birth to my son on my mothers birthday and she hates it
how dare I do that to her?!
she had to be told how lovely it was!id follow everyone else’s advice and still try to have a nice day
it hurts when it’s your own mum-mine still claims not to know the date of mine

"She's been diagnosed with mild cognitive dysfunction and some memory issues, no dementia that we’re aware of."

That's odd - as surely that's what dementia is? I don't think that a dementia diagnosis is an exact science ? I guess you are saying that your mum has always had some kind of psychological issues and that's why she behaves the way she does.

I hope you enjoy your birthday with or without her acknowledgement .

Please do get some outside help, and look into options for residential care, to be prepared in case there’s a need in the near future.

She already has cognitive decline and that is likely to get worse, or could progress to full blown dementia which will be a nightmare for you. She could live 10 years or more and having her with you would destroy you. I’m not exaggerating, a similar situation had a terrible effect on the life of one of my family members.

So sorry you’re going through this. Please protect yourself from an even worse situation developing. Remember that despite all the emotional blackmail and guilt tripping she might do, you won’t be able to make her happy no matter what you do for her. She is rotten emotionally and dementia would magnify that if it comes. I speak from bitter experience. What you can do is protect yourself and your family from being damaged any more by her.

Can you afford for her to go into sheltered accommodation ( if she can manage her own personal care, she doesn’t need a care home). My mother was a bit like this though nothing like as bad.
When my father died, living with us was not an option, but after a year on her own she moved into sheltered accommodation which suited her quite well. She actually became a ‘nicer’ person, because the rewards and penalties were very clear. When she was pleasant, she made friends and was included in the social good times ( a surprising amount of wine was drunk) , when she was abrupt and huffy, the other residents showed they didn’t like it., and, of course, unlike family, they didn’t have to put up with it.

I had this a few years ago, compounded by the fact that it was my sister's birthday a few days before mine, and my mother's actual birthday the very day after mine. My mother failed to wish me a happy birthday or send me a card, and when I phoned to wish her one the following day, she told me at great length, and very pleased with herself, how she had phoned my sister to wish her a happy birthday and managed to find "just the right card" for her the previous week.
However my mum passed away a few months ago, and although we had a difficult relationship and I always, even as a child, felt she never really loved me, I miss her more than I would ever have imagined when she was alive. Our ties and emotions can be very strange.

PS mine was desperate not to go into a home too, but it became inevitable when she declined badly. Lo and behold she did not die of the sads, she lived for years. Some elderly parents want you to believe they won’t survive going into a home. It often has the effect they want.

Happy Birthday OP.

Does your mother already get carer's allowance? If not, start her claiming and other PPs might advise if you can back claim. You could also see if you haven't already done if there are local groups where she could go during the day - I found one that did music/art/art appreciation/history along with coffee and cake but that is probably rare. And I would check out the price and availability of homes for respite care to give you and your DH a break. All this costs, though, and it depends how you and she are situated and whether she has contributed to your finances or is paying towards your bills.

Another vote for sheltered accommodation. She could easily live for another 20 years and she will wear you out. She may even be pleased to see you occasionally.

@cecinestpasunepipe Sometimes we grieve for the parent we wish we had, as well as the one we did have. Sorry for your loss. Losing a bad parent can be just as painful as losing a lovely one, because of all the complicated emotions it provokes.

Thanks everybody, some really helpful and supportive responses here. Going to reply some more after work. It does really help to know people get it. 🙂

So sorry for your loss. These things can be very complex, as you say.

The difficulty with sheltered accommodation is my mum literally won’t do anything to take care of herself apart from getting up, washing/dressing, getting her breakfast, and getting herself to bed at night. That’s literally all I meant by her personal care, sadly. She wouldn’t cook if she was left to her own devices - theoretically she can, she just won’t. My dad loved cooking, she’s always hated it, and it seems to have become ‘hardwired’ that cooking is something other people do for her. If she lived on her own I don’t think she’d still be alive, sadly, as she’d probably just have Weetabix, yogurts, chocolate biscuits and cold rice pudding out of the tin, even if she had a fridge/cupboard full of easy food at her disposal. Another problem is that she won’t do anything that involves putting her glasses on. So although she’s capable of sticking a ready meal on for herself if DH and I are having a busy day, one of us has to do it because it doesn’t occur to her to take her glasses into the kitchen and put them on when she’s by the cooker. Not putting her glasses on also means she can't see when her clothes/surrounding are dirty and will argue till she's blue in the face that they're not.

If she lived alone I’d also still have to nag her to change her clothes (by change I mean both ‘put clean ones on’ and ‘stop wearing the same outfit that’s really shabby now, to the point where I worry people think I’m neglecting her’) and she’d get even less company than she does now. She’s an extreme introvert, and attempts to get her out of the house more have fallen on stony ground, which makes me sad for her. DH and I are virtually her only company, by her choice, but it still makes me sad. She has to have carers coming in on the rare occasions DH and I go away together, because otherwise she’d have zero interaction with people and I honestly believe she’d subsist on Weetabix and cups of tea.

I agree we might be seeing the beginnings of dementia, sadly. The cognitive impairment/slight memory loss thing was the GP’s assessment last time, but that was over a year ago now and I do think things might have worsened a bit, sadly. She has her annual medical assessment coming up so we’ll see what that brings. It’s unusually difficult to tell about these things with my mum because she’s always had a degree of difficulty with memory and cognition, tbh - even when I was little I can remember her never being able to remember people’s names, for example, and she was always prone to odd misunderstandings. So it’s really hard to assess the level of deterioration now.

With all that going on, I feel really selfish saying the lack of a ‘happy birthday’ was upsetting, but it’s the very fact of its being such a simple thing to say, and yet it was absent, and on top of other things recently it just made me feel like some kind of servant. I’ve finished work now, though, so we’ll see how the rest of the day goes. Thanks again everyone for the supportive thoughts and sorry this is so long!

Most importantly - Happy Birthday - glad your DH is making a fuss.

I have/had a different relationship with my mum from what you have described but one of the first signs of dementia in her was that she stopped remembering my birthday or Christmas. She would move heaven and earth to sort out presents for everyone else - i.e. she would ask me to take her shopping/look online order/buy/pack/post for everyone and then on my birthday she would say "I'm sorry I couldn't get you anything - take some money out of my account and treat yourself!" Even though my adult daughter would offer to take her shopping or shop online for her. I honestly think she saw me as an extension of herself and therefore didn't realise I had my own existence!

Happy Birthday 🎂
Having spent a lunchtime with my dm looking at me as if she doesn't know me or absolutely hates me I would most definitely agree that it is a very complex & tangled relationship.
I hope you manage to find some solutions moving forward.